For those of you who remember that shocking Italian posters of a girl who was photographed to raise awareness, I have some sad news for everyone. Isabelle Caro has died. The cause is unknown, so right now it is inclear if she died from being anorexic.
Reading about Isabelle and her life, it's actually interesting. Isabelle struggled with anorexia since she was 13, and has made a point to bring attention to the disease.
It has been said that she died sometime in November, and her family wanted it to be a quiet affair.
RIP Isbabelle Caro.
You truly were beautiful.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
New Years
For the past week, Ive been feeling somewhat crappy, and then when I overheard my mother talking to my grandmother about me, and how I am, I was even MORE upset. So thanks mother, for making me feel like a piece of s**t. They were talking about how I don't always finish doing the dishes, not as well as my sister does. Okay, so maybe I go to the bathroom, or quickly have to finish homework or something in the middle of the dishes, so what? That's nothing to patronize me on.
I swear, if my parents get my sister a better graduation present than they did me - I will absolutely NOT talk to them for at least 2 whole months, or even longer, depends. All my mother got me were skittles. DAMN SKITTLES!! don't get me wrong, some people love skittles, but they are certainly NOT a proper graduation present. Then compare that to the $400 my father spent so we could split the cost on my laptop, which cannot currently get internet. for whatever reason. i do not know.
I heard my grandma talking to my mother about how I was looking through the fridge, even though she had just started making dinner, and how she thought that was rude. First, how the f**k (sorry) could I have known that she was making dinner, and anyone else in my position would have done the same thing, so why is she being so rude??
Throughout the day, I felt weird, like if I do one simple thing that's wrong, she'll make me out for a lesser person. I felt like I was walking on glass the whole day. I felt like a worthless, pathetic, little shrod of a person all day.
As the New Year approaches fast, I have been writing my New Years Resolution, trying to think of what I can do to make myself a better person. Here is a rough idea of what I have come up with so far:
1 - Lose 20 pounds (for obvious reason)
2 - Absolutely NO more meat.
3 - NO more pop.
4 - GREATLY reduce sugar intake.
5 - NO more candy.
6 - Absolutely NO chocolate.
7 - Become more focused and determined in life.
8 - Become COMPLETELY practical.
9 - NO more than 500 calories per day.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!
I swear, if my parents get my sister a better graduation present than they did me - I will absolutely NOT talk to them for at least 2 whole months, or even longer, depends. All my mother got me were skittles. DAMN SKITTLES!! don't get me wrong, some people love skittles, but they are certainly NOT a proper graduation present. Then compare that to the $400 my father spent so we could split the cost on my laptop, which cannot currently get internet. for whatever reason. i do not know.
I heard my grandma talking to my mother about how I was looking through the fridge, even though she had just started making dinner, and how she thought that was rude. First, how the f**k (sorry) could I have known that she was making dinner, and anyone else in my position would have done the same thing, so why is she being so rude??
Throughout the day, I felt weird, like if I do one simple thing that's wrong, she'll make me out for a lesser person. I felt like I was walking on glass the whole day. I felt like a worthless, pathetic, little shrod of a person all day.
As the New Year approaches fast, I have been writing my New Years Resolution, trying to think of what I can do to make myself a better person. Here is a rough idea of what I have come up with so far:
1 - Lose 20 pounds (for obvious reason)
2 - Absolutely NO more meat.
3 - NO more pop.
4 - GREATLY reduce sugar intake.
5 - NO more candy.
6 - Absolutely NO chocolate.
7 - Become more focused and determined in life.
8 - Become COMPLETELY practical.
9 - NO more than 500 calories per day.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Never in my life have I ever seen anything so....PERFECT!
So, i have some good news (hence the title). I am finally in a building with its own treadmill. ITs practically right beside the apartment!!
I have never been one who likes to go to the gym for fear of some one recognizing me, so now that my grandmother tells me that hardly anyone uses it, I am full of joy. I CAN GO JOGGING WHENEVER I WANT!!!!
I heard somewhere that one does burn more when jogging out side, but inside I can jog as long as I want!!!
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
stay skinnies, pretties!
lovelovelove
em :)
I have never been one who likes to go to the gym for fear of some one recognizing me, so now that my grandmother tells me that hardly anyone uses it, I am full of joy. I CAN GO JOGGING WHENEVER I WANT!!!!
I heard somewhere that one does burn more when jogging out side, but inside I can jog as long as I want!!!
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
stay skinnies, pretties!
lovelovelove
em :)
Friday, December 17, 2010
over time...it sucks
i am posting from a computer slower than melting glaciers, and hope it even posts this entry. I have made it to vancouver, and I hate to admit it, even to myself, but i have eaten WAY too much for comfort within the past 3 days. On wednesday I went out with friends, had fried food, and a pina colada. The pina colada in itself has tons of calories.
I'll admit that in the past few days, I have slipped in writing EVERYTHING that I eat, but I am getting back into it. I stepped onto a scale for the first time in a while today; I think I weight about 130 pounds, or it may be 123 pounds. I'm choosing the higher one, just to push myself, but I couldn't tell for sure, the needle would shift when I moved the weight on certain parts of my feet. Hopefully here I'll be better; living in a city, there is more annonymity (?) than in a small town. I'm still iffy about going to the gym, but at least I will have plenty of space to work out, like sit-ups, push-ups, things such as that.
I'm am just praying that I can do better than the past month. I haven't truly really changed in shape of body, so I think I haven't been doing very well.
Christmas is here, and that means food, but thankfully both mother and grandma don't serve much for us, so I hope i'll be able to contain myself in indulgence.
I feel antssy about moving here; I'm not sure if i'll be able to get a good job, perferably one that isn't at a cafe or restaurant or anything, so as I'm not tempted.
Good luck to everyone else.
lovelovelove
em
I'll admit that in the past few days, I have slipped in writing EVERYTHING that I eat, but I am getting back into it. I stepped onto a scale for the first time in a while today; I think I weight about 130 pounds, or it may be 123 pounds. I'm choosing the higher one, just to push myself, but I couldn't tell for sure, the needle would shift when I moved the weight on certain parts of my feet. Hopefully here I'll be better; living in a city, there is more annonymity (?) than in a small town. I'm still iffy about going to the gym, but at least I will have plenty of space to work out, like sit-ups, push-ups, things such as that.
I'm am just praying that I can do better than the past month. I haven't truly really changed in shape of body, so I think I haven't been doing very well.
Christmas is here, and that means food, but thankfully both mother and grandma don't serve much for us, so I hope i'll be able to contain myself in indulgence.
I feel antssy about moving here; I'm not sure if i'll be able to get a good job, perferably one that isn't at a cafe or restaurant or anything, so as I'm not tempted.
Good luck to everyone else.
lovelovelove
em
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Those lovely, lovely bones
I think I have lost a few pounds.
Saying that is weird, but over the past few weeks, I have noticed that my belt that I usually wear with jeans, doesn't seem as tight as it used to be. It is kind of a relief, but at the same time, I know that there is SO much more work ahead of me to shed those pounds.
For the past few days, I have gotten into a regular sleeping pattern: going to bed at 9, and getting up at 8. Before I was staying up till 2 and waking up at like 11, which isn't as fullfilling a day as the 9-8 day.
anyways...
So I think I did pretty well for today. I didn't eat much, and when I had the salad that my father made with tomatoes and cheese in it, I picked out the tomatoes, and cheese. So at least I didn't get those extra calories with the cheese. I haven't eaten it yet. I walked upstairs to my 'room', placed it on the shelf, and I haven't touched it yet. I'm not sure if I'm that hungry for dinner anyways.
I'm moving in two days, which I am ecstatic about, but also kind of nervous. What if the move is too much, and miss this small town too much......gosh, I hope I stay in vancouver. Being in this small town sucks, nothing ever happens. Everything happens in vancouver. well, more than this town. Let me just summarize what happens in Vancouver that is totally cool: supernatural, smallville, and hellcats, has and is filmed in vancouver, as well as the movie fantastic four, invisible, and that one with reese witherspoon, which they are still filming. Also, lots of concerts happen in vancouver. and the shopping is fun too.
So, yeah, i guess saying that i'm 'excited' is understating it....just a little.
I am SO happy its christmas. I LOVE snow, gingerbread, and everything about christmas. It's just one of the most happiest days of the year.
hope everyone's christmas is going well, and for those of you who may not celebrate christmas, I hope you are doing well, and celebrating whatever you do this time of year.
stay skinny!
lovelovelove,
Em
Saying that is weird, but over the past few weeks, I have noticed that my belt that I usually wear with jeans, doesn't seem as tight as it used to be. It is kind of a relief, but at the same time, I know that there is SO much more work ahead of me to shed those pounds.
For the past few days, I have gotten into a regular sleeping pattern: going to bed at 9, and getting up at 8. Before I was staying up till 2 and waking up at like 11, which isn't as fullfilling a day as the 9-8 day.
anyways...
So I think I did pretty well for today. I didn't eat much, and when I had the salad that my father made with tomatoes and cheese in it, I picked out the tomatoes, and cheese. So at least I didn't get those extra calories with the cheese. I haven't eaten it yet. I walked upstairs to my 'room', placed it on the shelf, and I haven't touched it yet. I'm not sure if I'm that hungry for dinner anyways.
I'm moving in two days, which I am ecstatic about, but also kind of nervous. What if the move is too much, and miss this small town too much......gosh, I hope I stay in vancouver. Being in this small town sucks, nothing ever happens. Everything happens in vancouver. well, more than this town. Let me just summarize what happens in Vancouver that is totally cool: supernatural, smallville, and hellcats, has and is filmed in vancouver, as well as the movie fantastic four, invisible, and that one with reese witherspoon, which they are still filming. Also, lots of concerts happen in vancouver. and the shopping is fun too.
So, yeah, i guess saying that i'm 'excited' is understating it....just a little.
I am SO happy its christmas. I LOVE snow, gingerbread, and everything about christmas. It's just one of the most happiest days of the year.
hope everyone's christmas is going well, and for those of you who may not celebrate christmas, I hope you are doing well, and celebrating whatever you do this time of year.
stay skinny!
lovelovelove,
Em
Monday, December 6, 2010
Back into shape
So yesterday morning at 8:00 am I went for a jog. Well, it was really more of a walk than a jog, as I haven't been keeping up with keeping in shape as well as i should.
So yesterday morning I got a chance to be by myself and think. I started to wonder what I have been feeling these past few days, since I've been feeling a bit out of it, an dI think I discovered what it is. I think I have the 'i-don't-care' feeling, like everything around me is changing, and I can't do a thing to stop it. I would give anything to do these past few days differently, but I can't. And it was really nice to get out for a walk as well. It was at 8, so the sun was just coming up, and everything was quiet. Peaceful. People were starting to get up for work, even though it was sunday. I felt at peace, like, for the next hour I am the only one who can control my fate; nothing around me can change, unless I let it. I can walk this way, or I can walk that way, I get to decide where I go, and how long I can disappear from the world. It was like my own time. And it felt good. Personally, I think from now on, I'd be waking up a bit earlier, like at 7, since it's still dark out, and thats when there is a better chance of not being recognized. I live in a small town, and one of the few things that actually stops me from going out jogging is the fear of being recognized. I graduated about a year and a hald ago, and I hate the fact that i am still stuck in this old town. In about a week and a half, I will be moving to Vancouver to live with relatives, and I am completely overjoyed with that fact that I will not be in this old town anymore. I hate being the only girl out of all of my old friends who still hasn't moved on yet.
So yesterday morning I got a chance to be by myself and think. I started to wonder what I have been feeling these past few days, since I've been feeling a bit out of it, an dI think I discovered what it is. I think I have the 'i-don't-care' feeling, like everything around me is changing, and I can't do a thing to stop it. I would give anything to do these past few days differently, but I can't. And it was really nice to get out for a walk as well. It was at 8, so the sun was just coming up, and everything was quiet. Peaceful. People were starting to get up for work, even though it was sunday. I felt at peace, like, for the next hour I am the only one who can control my fate; nothing around me can change, unless I let it. I can walk this way, or I can walk that way, I get to decide where I go, and how long I can disappear from the world. It was like my own time. And it felt good. Personally, I think from now on, I'd be waking up a bit earlier, like at 7, since it's still dark out, and thats when there is a better chance of not being recognized. I live in a small town, and one of the few things that actually stops me from going out jogging is the fear of being recognized. I graduated about a year and a hald ago, and I hate the fact that i am still stuck in this old town. In about a week and a half, I will be moving to Vancouver to live with relatives, and I am completely overjoyed with that fact that I will not be in this old town anymore. I hate being the only girl out of all of my old friends who still hasn't moved on yet.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
unpredictable
the world seems to be unraveling - what was once a system of schedules now seems to be uncertain ground. I used to happy with the way that I knew what would happen. I prized the rules and systems and knowing what would happen next, but now im not so sure. everything seems to be coming undone. Nothing is for certain anymore.
I am the kind of girl......have you ever seen the beginning of 'new york minute' where ashley has this planner full of schedules, and has everything planned down to the last little detail. Everything was labeled and she knew what would happen from day to day. Her future was set.
Thats what i like, having everything perfect, knowing every detail and knowing what was to happen from day to day.
And now everything seems to be unraveling, and I seem to be...going crazy. Im starting to panic; I feel strange, like...i don't know...like i'm starting to enjoy night more than day time, like im changing, becoming more into depression than into happiness. I was usually considered depressed, i guess, but I never considred my self depressed. I usually can get through a day by myself without feeling a tiny bit of loneliness, while others feel lonely. Is that considered depressed?
My mother seemed to think I was depressed during high school, but i never really considered mself depressed. She pushed me to visit therapists for no reason at all. she seemed to think there was something wrong with me, that just because I didn't get as good grades as my sister, that there was something wrong with me. There was never anything wrong with me.
Maybe thats why I hate her so; because she seemed to think that there was something wrong with me. maybe i'm starting to think that about myself too. Maybe some part of me is starting to think that im...i dont know, weird. And fat. Maybe thats why she put me into the therapists room...because i was a little big. still. i was no bigger than the next person.
What does she really think of me?
Everything seems totally different now. whatever
I am the kind of girl......have you ever seen the beginning of 'new york minute' where ashley has this planner full of schedules, and has everything planned down to the last little detail. Everything was labeled and she knew what would happen from day to day. Her future was set.
Thats what i like, having everything perfect, knowing every detail and knowing what was to happen from day to day.
And now everything seems to be unraveling, and I seem to be...going crazy. Im starting to panic; I feel strange, like...i don't know...like i'm starting to enjoy night more than day time, like im changing, becoming more into depression than into happiness. I was usually considered depressed, i guess, but I never considred my self depressed. I usually can get through a day by myself without feeling a tiny bit of loneliness, while others feel lonely. Is that considered depressed?
My mother seemed to think I was depressed during high school, but i never really considered mself depressed. She pushed me to visit therapists for no reason at all. she seemed to think there was something wrong with me, that just because I didn't get as good grades as my sister, that there was something wrong with me. There was never anything wrong with me.
Maybe thats why I hate her so; because she seemed to think that there was something wrong with me. maybe i'm starting to think that about myself too. Maybe some part of me is starting to think that im...i dont know, weird. And fat. Maybe thats why she put me into the therapists room...because i was a little big. still. i was no bigger than the next person.
What does she really think of me?
Everything seems totally different now. whatever
Saturday, December 4, 2010
oh my gosh!!
he's here right now!
my mothers bf!
what am i supposed to do???
he was sitting in the living room, and I walked right in and sat beside the fire (as its winter in canada, and SO cold), and he was just sitting on the couch looking at his phone. AH!
we talked for like five minutes about books. which is lame, i know, (but, i was known as a book worm in high school - though i knew someone who was more of a book worm than i was). Anyway, so now i'm in my room typing this, and I don't know how to react. Which makes the fact that I was sleeping all day because I couldn'ts sleep last night, even worse!
Gosh , why does life have to be so complicated?!?!?!
he's here right now!
my mothers bf!
what am i supposed to do???
he was sitting in the living room, and I walked right in and sat beside the fire (as its winter in canada, and SO cold), and he was just sitting on the couch looking at his phone. AH!
we talked for like five minutes about books. which is lame, i know, (but, i was known as a book worm in high school - though i knew someone who was more of a book worm than i was). Anyway, so now i'm in my room typing this, and I don't know how to react. Which makes the fact that I was sleeping all day because I couldn'ts sleep last night, even worse!
Gosh , why does life have to be so complicated?!?!?!
REPOST
Yesterday morning -actually still 'today' for me, as I haven't slept yet- I met my mother's 'boyfriend'. Under weird circumstances too, I add. He came to pick her up at 8:00 for work, and they sat down for a few minutes for tea. He said he was happy to meet the 'infamous emma'. That's what he called me: the 'infamous emma'. And that what he had heard were all good things.
When someone says im 'infamous', and then finishes the sentence with 'all good things I've heard about you', I really start to worry what my mother could have told him.
First off, let me just say this so it isn't a shock later on, but I am appalled that my mother is dating. I mean, it was only a year and a half ago that she and my father split over 'irreconcilable differences'. What does that mean? I know I wasn't supposed to go through the papers, but I saw what they said on them; well, basically all i got was the wanted to split because of the 'irreconcilable' thing. Anyway, it seems really weird that my mother is now dating someone else. It's really weird.
What I also wonder about is why i didn't feel this way when my dad was dating. It wasn't even a year after they split before my father was off dating again. It was so soon after everything. And yet, I didn't feel as weird as I do about meeting my mother's 'bf.' What's really funny too, is he's kind of built like my father, except a bit taller. He's a bit stocky, dark, dark, hair, and -since he brought it- obviously likes tea. For me, I really don't see much of a difference. HA!
Anyways, so now I find out that I can meet up with a few of my old friends in the city when I go on vacation. I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS!!! I am still fatter than ever, and now I am racing against the clock trying to lose as much as I can. I haven't done as much exercise as I would like, but this morning I did tons.
Since I slept mostly through Thrusday, and didn't sleep at all last night (Thursday night). So,this morning I had a cup of coffee, which must have done something, because for a full hour and a half I cleaned everything I could think of. I vacuumed the living room, swept the kitchen, and dining room, did the dishes, and cleaned my room. After I cleaned I felt kind of...slow. Like the effects of the coffee had burnt off, which is kind of weird, because I don't really get bursts of energy, whether I consume any type of beverage, or food.
So now, in a week and a half, I am visiting friends, and I just pray and hope that I can be at my best by then, and be thinner than ever, thin enough that they can notice at least SOME change in my appearance. God, it sounds like SO much work...
Hope everyone is enjoying Christmas time! Its my most favourite time of the year.
Best wishes on perfection
love emma
When someone says im 'infamous', and then finishes the sentence with 'all good things I've heard about you', I really start to worry what my mother could have told him.
First off, let me just say this so it isn't a shock later on, but I am appalled that my mother is dating. I mean, it was only a year and a half ago that she and my father split over 'irreconcilable differences'. What does that mean? I know I wasn't supposed to go through the papers, but I saw what they said on them; well, basically all i got was the wanted to split because of the 'irreconcilable' thing. Anyway, it seems really weird that my mother is now dating someone else. It's really weird.
What I also wonder about is why i didn't feel this way when my dad was dating. It wasn't even a year after they split before my father was off dating again. It was so soon after everything. And yet, I didn't feel as weird as I do about meeting my mother's 'bf.' What's really funny too, is he's kind of built like my father, except a bit taller. He's a bit stocky, dark, dark, hair, and -since he brought it- obviously likes tea. For me, I really don't see much of a difference. HA!
Anyways, so now I find out that I can meet up with a few of my old friends in the city when I go on vacation. I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS!!! I am still fatter than ever, and now I am racing against the clock trying to lose as much as I can. I haven't done as much exercise as I would like, but this morning I did tons.
Since I slept mostly through Thrusday, and didn't sleep at all last night (Thursday night). So,this morning I had a cup of coffee, which must have done something, because for a full hour and a half I cleaned everything I could think of. I vacuumed the living room, swept the kitchen, and dining room, did the dishes, and cleaned my room. After I cleaned I felt kind of...slow. Like the effects of the coffee had burnt off, which is kind of weird, because I don't really get bursts of energy, whether I consume any type of beverage, or food.
So now, in a week and a half, I am visiting friends, and I just pray and hope that I can be at my best by then, and be thinner than ever, thin enough that they can notice at least SOME change in my appearance. God, it sounds like SO much work...
Hope everyone is enjoying Christmas time! Its my most favourite time of the year.
Best wishes on perfection
love emma
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
the 15th
So apparently now I have til the 15th of December to get down to a MUCH lower size. But how much can one lose in so little time.
I think i'm gonna have to pull something like a 'louise redknapp', where I jog for like 4 miles a day, eat nothing more that the size of my fist, and don't consume any more than 500 calories a day. Fun.
If anyone wants to know what i'm gonna be doing, I will leave a link I found for the diet that Louise did when she was trying to know what it felt like to be a size zero, and the whole phemoneom (??) thing. Anyway... the link describes what she ate, her stats per week, and her what her exercise was.
I really need this. If i fail at this, then I know that I fail at everything else. Life will be useless if I can't be this one tiny little thing.
http://www.disordered-eating.co.uk/eating-disorders-news/the-truth-about-size-zero.html
good luck
love
emma :)
I think i'm gonna have to pull something like a 'louise redknapp', where I jog for like 4 miles a day, eat nothing more that the size of my fist, and don't consume any more than 500 calories a day. Fun.
If anyone wants to know what i'm gonna be doing, I will leave a link I found for the diet that Louise did when she was trying to know what it felt like to be a size zero, and the whole phemoneom (??) thing. Anyway... the link describes what she ate, her stats per week, and her what her exercise was.
I really need this. If i fail at this, then I know that I fail at everything else. Life will be useless if I can't be this one tiny little thing.
http://www.disordered-eating.co.uk/eating-disorders-news/the-truth-about-size-zero.html
good luck
love
emma :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Snow
I've been meaning to go on a jog these past few days, but it's been so damn cold, and snowing quite a bit. Funny, but I feel so fat. Had a crepe for breakfast, so I know i'm done for the day. I don't know how much a crepe is, but i'm thinking, since it was small, and I had it with jam, that it's about 100-150. 125 then.
I love hot chocolate, but it has so many calories.
I have impressed myself by writing everything down that I eat for the past week, which is an amazing feat since I usually forget at least once every week. Life has seemed to be going so slow.
For the past few weeks I have been seriously thinking about moving to the city, the lower mainland. Stay with family or something. Next year I want to go back to school, but I'm not sure if I want to continue with the idea that I'll be studying English.
Now I'm not so sure that I want to move until next September. Maybe I can stay and get a job here, where I currently am. But my towns so boring, nothing ever happens, especially now that everyone I knew is gone, has moved on. Mayb e I should get a job here, then move later on, maybe in the summer. I really want to be a road trip next summer, visit places that Id want to see in my country; maybe travel cross country. Canada is funny that way. You start on one side where there are only mountains, and valleys, and rivers, then you continue onto more of the center of Canada, where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is flat, then you continue to the end, and it starts to get mountains again. I personally have never been past the BC-Alberta line in Canada, so maybe for the summer I'll go further.
Anyway...
I probably would stay if I knew someone who was, you know, pro-ana, in my town, but everything is dead here. Besides everyone my age has, like, gone.
MY mother keeps asking me what I want to do, yet I don't have a clue. I like it where I am, but I really want to move to a city where there are more malls, and gyms, a city where, if I go to the gym, I'd be annonymous, as opposed to a town, where everyone knows you.
Life is so confusing.
stay thin,
love
emma
I love hot chocolate, but it has so many calories.
I have impressed myself by writing everything down that I eat for the past week, which is an amazing feat since I usually forget at least once every week. Life has seemed to be going so slow.
For the past few weeks I have been seriously thinking about moving to the city, the lower mainland. Stay with family or something. Next year I want to go back to school, but I'm not sure if I want to continue with the idea that I'll be studying English.
Now I'm not so sure that I want to move until next September. Maybe I can stay and get a job here, where I currently am. But my towns so boring, nothing ever happens, especially now that everyone I knew is gone, has moved on. Mayb e I should get a job here, then move later on, maybe in the summer. I really want to be a road trip next summer, visit places that Id want to see in my country; maybe travel cross country. Canada is funny that way. You start on one side where there are only mountains, and valleys, and rivers, then you continue onto more of the center of Canada, where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is flat, then you continue to the end, and it starts to get mountains again. I personally have never been past the BC-Alberta line in Canada, so maybe for the summer I'll go further.
Anyway...
I probably would stay if I knew someone who was, you know, pro-ana, in my town, but everything is dead here. Besides everyone my age has, like, gone.
MY mother keeps asking me what I want to do, yet I don't have a clue. I like it where I am, but I really want to move to a city where there are more malls, and gyms, a city where, if I go to the gym, I'd be annonymous, as opposed to a town, where everyone knows you.
Life is so confusing.
stay thin,
love
emma
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Update
Another year has passed and yet I still done nothing truly productive with my life. I know my mother hates me - what can she tell her friends that I have done in my life that is worth something.
I dont know what it is but the days just seem to keep going by faster than they did a few months ago.
Anyway, I hope in the next few weeks my life will change drastically.
hope everyone is doing good, keeping thin.
love
emma
I dont know what it is but the days just seem to keep going by faster than they did a few months ago.
Anyway, I hope in the next few weeks my life will change drastically.
hope everyone is doing good, keeping thin.
love
emma
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Gorge
"Don't gorge on this whippping cream; it's like 6 bucks."
I secretly died in my mind when my mother said that. I do not gorge myself on whipping cream!! (okay, so I may have done it in the past, but I'm better now. I don't need it, and there is absolutely NO need to put it on my coffee in the morning. NO NEED TO.)
Being worried that someone may come into my room and see the 'thinspiration quotes' I have written to post up on the wall for inspiration, so I have translated some of them into French. Now when we look up at my wall, only I will know what the words mean: Goûts rien aussi bien que mince se sent (Nothing tastes as good as thin feels), and Ne jamais abandonner (Never give up). Now i just hope the translations are right.
Going for a jog tonight even though it is 10 below, and getting colder these days. Snow has fallen on the ground; the world looks so beautiful when its a marshmallow.
I love hot chocolate, but having a cup of it these days seems like im being selfish; I can just picture my mother seeing me pouring myself a cup, and then shaking her head. Even though that has never happened, I won't let her do it. I will keep to myself, keep my hands at my sides, and never, ever indulge in sweets, and meat, or dairy, and bread. Eating white food now seems like so much work.
By Christmas, I hope to be thinner. And disappearing....
A few days ago I was bored, searched a gossip site, and found that Kelly Osbourne will be gracing the cover of Self magazine. It reported that she is now 112 pounds.
IM FATTER THAN KELLY OSBOURNE!!! She's normally been heavier than me, but last year after DWTS she has become healthier; I almost burst completely out into tears, when I saw that number on the computer screen; my chest seized up and I couldn't breathe for a few moments.
I am a failure, and there is nothing that I can do that will impress myself; I am a loser, and no one ever would want to love a failure. Besides I don't deserve love anyway.
Become thinnner and thinner, pretties. Hope you are all well.
xoxo
LATER: (after I posted this, I thought i should add this, as I realized my idea had changed a little)
Okay, so I wrote earlier, my mother was saying to me about how I shouldn't eat all the whipping cream...so later in the day, I realized that I am now actually starting to feel guilty about eating something that someone else didn't - apparently -have enough of. Im am now starting to feel guilty about eating something... the comments about 'did you finish the hot chocolate, did you finish that chicken?" the hate was always there, it just took a while for me to see it, and now that i do, it's a clear black-and-white picture to me.
I secretly died in my mind when my mother said that. I do not gorge myself on whipping cream!! (okay, so I may have done it in the past, but I'm better now. I don't need it, and there is absolutely NO need to put it on my coffee in the morning. NO NEED TO.)
Being worried that someone may come into my room and see the 'thinspiration quotes' I have written to post up on the wall for inspiration, so I have translated some of them into French. Now when we look up at my wall, only I will know what the words mean: Goûts rien aussi bien que mince se sent (Nothing tastes as good as thin feels), and Ne jamais abandonner (Never give up). Now i just hope the translations are right.
Going for a jog tonight even though it is 10 below, and getting colder these days. Snow has fallen on the ground; the world looks so beautiful when its a marshmallow.
I love hot chocolate, but having a cup of it these days seems like im being selfish; I can just picture my mother seeing me pouring myself a cup, and then shaking her head. Even though that has never happened, I won't let her do it. I will keep to myself, keep my hands at my sides, and never, ever indulge in sweets, and meat, or dairy, and bread. Eating white food now seems like so much work.
By Christmas, I hope to be thinner. And disappearing....
A few days ago I was bored, searched a gossip site, and found that Kelly Osbourne will be gracing the cover of Self magazine. It reported that she is now 112 pounds.
IM FATTER THAN KELLY OSBOURNE!!! She's normally been heavier than me, but last year after DWTS she has become healthier; I almost burst completely out into tears, when I saw that number on the computer screen; my chest seized up and I couldn't breathe for a few moments.
I am a failure, and there is nothing that I can do that will impress myself; I am a loser, and no one ever would want to love a failure. Besides I don't deserve love anyway.
Become thinnner and thinner, pretties. Hope you are all well.
xoxo
LATER: (after I posted this, I thought i should add this, as I realized my idea had changed a little)
Okay, so I wrote earlier, my mother was saying to me about how I shouldn't eat all the whipping cream...so later in the day, I realized that I am now actually starting to feel guilty about eating something that someone else didn't - apparently -have enough of. Im am now starting to feel guilty about eating something... the comments about 'did you finish the hot chocolate, did you finish that chicken?" the hate was always there, it just took a while for me to see it, and now that i do, it's a clear black-and-white picture to me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Is it normal for someone like me, someone my age, to completely question everything? to questoin every possible path that I could take in my life? To question if I really am worth it, worth all the time people take into getting to know me? Am i really worth all the trouble?
Everything is so confusing... I don't know which path to take, or if any path is the right one. Does anyone feel like this?
Life seems so short, yet endless in possibilities...
hmmm...
stay thin and beautiful!
-love
emma
Everything is so confusing... I don't know which path to take, or if any path is the right one. Does anyone feel like this?
Life seems so short, yet endless in possibilities...
hmmm...
stay thin and beautiful!
-love
emma
Monday, November 8, 2010
its been a long weekend
it has been a long weekend.
with time change and everything...its weird having the day go darker sooner..very weird..
anywho, i was looking at lod photos on facebook, and im still not happy with how i look.
I know my goal fluctuates all the time, but it mostly is always under 110. My goal is also to be skinnnier then my sister, to be better than her, to have something that my parents can be proud of me for, if it not be for being intelligent. (i am intelligent, but my sister is the a++ student in things that matter like maths and science - im more of the music, art girl)
anyway, so I have recently been watching some videos on youtube, such as 'im an anorexic child' and have changed my diet to be very strict. On that video one thing one of the patients said was that she would not let herself go to sleep before she knew what she was to eat the next day and how many calories it had in it.
So i have again modified my diet.
I do have somewhat of a diet - less meat than everyone else, and not much dairy, or grains, but still. for me it's not enough.
So for th next week I will be seriously testing myself out on the rules of a diet.
I was on a website and have a few ideas of what I could eat each week - low-cal things such a fat-free yoghurt, apple, orange...
so at the end of the week I hopefully will be able to report good progress on this blog.
lovelovelove
~Em
with time change and everything...its weird having the day go darker sooner..very weird..
anywho, i was looking at lod photos on facebook, and im still not happy with how i look.
I know my goal fluctuates all the time, but it mostly is always under 110. My goal is also to be skinnnier then my sister, to be better than her, to have something that my parents can be proud of me for, if it not be for being intelligent. (i am intelligent, but my sister is the a++ student in things that matter like maths and science - im more of the music, art girl)
anyway, so I have recently been watching some videos on youtube, such as 'im an anorexic child' and have changed my diet to be very strict. On that video one thing one of the patients said was that she would not let herself go to sleep before she knew what she was to eat the next day and how many calories it had in it.
So i have again modified my diet.
I do have somewhat of a diet - less meat than everyone else, and not much dairy, or grains, but still. for me it's not enough.
So for th next week I will be seriously testing myself out on the rules of a diet.
I was on a website and have a few ideas of what I could eat each week - low-cal things such a fat-free yoghurt, apple, orange...
so at the end of the week I hopefully will be able to report good progress on this blog.
lovelovelove
~Em
Friday, November 5, 2010
Blog
A few days ago I looked at my profile and realized that a year has passed since i started this blog.
wow.
not much has changed; i can say that my whole outlook on life has changed a bit though - im starting to see beauty in the little things, wild life, nature, and poetry. I have also chosen a path that my life will go, education-wise.
Hope everyone is doing okay.
Canadian thanksgiving has passed, which is awkward since US and Canada do not celebrate their thanksgivings at the same time - their both a month apart.
thanks for reading this blog, and keep up the good work with everything everyone!
Lovelovelovelove,
EM
wow.
not much has changed; i can say that my whole outlook on life has changed a bit though - im starting to see beauty in the little things, wild life, nature, and poetry. I have also chosen a path that my life will go, education-wise.
Hope everyone is doing okay.
Canadian thanksgiving has passed, which is awkward since US and Canada do not celebrate their thanksgivings at the same time - their both a month apart.
thanks for reading this blog, and keep up the good work with everything everyone!
Lovelovelovelove,
EM
Sunday, October 31, 2010
halloween
halloween really does suck...temptation in the air... ew...starting to hate choclate, which is totally different, since i used to absolutely love chocolate.
guess everythings changing
told mom im going to a party tonight, but i'm not
guess i just don't want her to think of me as such a loner...don't know why i lied.
but at the same time, if i'm becoming thin, and stop eating, i'll have to get used to saying lies, like if she asks that i ate, and i say i did? we'll all know that that's a lie.
but at the same time it also feels good, since in life eventually i'll have to tell a lie, and this is just practice.
guess everythings changing
told mom im going to a party tonight, but i'm not
guess i just don't want her to think of me as such a loner...don't know why i lied.
but at the same time, if i'm becoming thin, and stop eating, i'll have to get used to saying lies, like if she asks that i ate, and i say i did? we'll all know that that's a lie.
but at the same time it also feels good, since in life eventually i'll have to tell a lie, and this is just practice.
Oddly enough, CSI
Last night I was watching an episode of CSI - i don't know if it was a re-run or not - but they are talking about how meat-eaters have yellow fat, and vegetarians have white. EW!!
So I researched it, and found out a bit more, like that being a vegetarian make lessen your chance of so many diseases!! Such as many types of cancer, and heart problems.
For those of you who really do want to go green, and vegan, here is a blog I found: thekindlife.com.
And yes, it is Alicia Silverstone, as in the main character in that teen movie 'Clueless'.
go check it out, they have some yummy recipes that are vegan, some just fruits and veggies (making it low-cal).
So I researched it, and found out a bit more, like that being a vegetarian make lessen your chance of so many diseases!! Such as many types of cancer, and heart problems.
For those of you who really do want to go green, and vegan, here is a blog I found: thekindlife.com.
And yes, it is Alicia Silverstone, as in the main character in that teen movie 'Clueless'.
go check it out, they have some yummy recipes that are vegan, some just fruits and veggies (making it low-cal).
new
About a year ago, when I would follow blogs like these everyday, I found a few pointers, that I printed out. Recently I have been going back to see which blog I got these from, but can't seem to remember, or find it, so I will post these up anyway as well.
I printed these notes out to help myself when I'm either going out to eat, or am at the market buying groceries.
PRO ANA - Going to a Restaurant
-Before ordering, ask for a full glass of ice water (with lemon, optional) and consume it. this will make you fuller faster. Also get another glass when the waiter takes your order, and delivers your food.
-Get nutrition information ahead of time if you can. Surf the 'net' and ask about calorie, fat and carb content of their dishes. Then you will know what to order or whether to even bother going there.
-Avoid all breaded or bettered items, fried items, sauteed items, breads, pastas, rices, sweetened drinks, and of course, desserts.
-Get the simplest food in their most natural form available, such as grilled fish and a tossed salad. Lean proteins like shrimp are best. (You don't NEED the cocktail sauce, ignore it!)
-When given the choice, always order lunch portion. NEVER dinner portion.
-Request all sauces and dressgins on the side. That way you retain control over how much you consume. Nearly all calories, fats, and carbs are in restaurant sauce and dressings.
-Eat a tossed or garden salad appetizer; only 20-30 calories and helps fill you up before the food arrives.
-One or two sips of water between bites.
-Set fork down after each bite.
-Chew slowly and thoroughly.
"ANA'S ESSENTIALS" Shopping List - (For getting started or getting back on track)
-Sugerfree crystal light or drink flavouring (0-5 calorie per serving)
-Diet sodas (0 calories)
-Artificial sweeteners such as aspartame or splenda (generic versions of these are cheap & safe as well)
-Sugerfree gum(3 cals per stick)
-Raw fruits and veggies, or whateer is your 'safe food
5-hour ebergy shots or sugarfree energy drinks
-Stimulant laxatives
-Green or Oolong tea for metabolism boost via Catechin
-Scale
BOOKS
-'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher (the 'ana bible')
-'Thin' by Lauren Greenfield (read or watch HBO documentary)
And lastly, here is a clip of another peice I printed, I hanged on my mirror: (thanks to whoever wrote it!!)
So You Wanna Be Thin?
Welcome to the world. Everyone wants to be thin.
Very few actually make it.
But when they do...everyone pays attetnion.
Theres a reason thin people are models.
Thin is what people want to see.
Anything looks good on a thin person.
Any swimsuit, any pair of jeans, any top, any hairstyle.
Thin is beautiful because thin is control. Mind over body.
Thin people know better than anyone that nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Thin is like floating on air, shrinking. Being in control.
People who are not thin may say they are okay with how they look, but it's a lie.
Because everyone knows... thin is all that matters
Do you want to matter?
Think about it.
Happy Halloween! everyone
(But don't indulge so much!)
I printed these notes out to help myself when I'm either going out to eat, or am at the market buying groceries.
PRO ANA - Going to a Restaurant
-Before ordering, ask for a full glass of ice water (with lemon, optional) and consume it. this will make you fuller faster. Also get another glass when the waiter takes your order, and delivers your food.
-Get nutrition information ahead of time if you can. Surf the 'net' and ask about calorie, fat and carb content of their dishes. Then you will know what to order or whether to even bother going there.
-Avoid all breaded or bettered items, fried items, sauteed items, breads, pastas, rices, sweetened drinks, and of course, desserts.
-Get the simplest food in their most natural form available, such as grilled fish and a tossed salad. Lean proteins like shrimp are best. (You don't NEED the cocktail sauce, ignore it!)
-When given the choice, always order lunch portion. NEVER dinner portion.
-Request all sauces and dressgins on the side. That way you retain control over how much you consume. Nearly all calories, fats, and carbs are in restaurant sauce and dressings.
-Eat a tossed or garden salad appetizer; only 20-30 calories and helps fill you up before the food arrives.
-One or two sips of water between bites.
-Set fork down after each bite.
-Chew slowly and thoroughly.
"ANA'S ESSENTIALS" Shopping List - (For getting started or getting back on track)
-Sugerfree crystal light or drink flavouring (0-5 calorie per serving)
-Diet sodas (0 calories)
-Artificial sweeteners such as aspartame or splenda (generic versions of these are cheap & safe as well)
-Sugerfree gum(3 cals per stick)
-Raw fruits and veggies, or whateer is your 'safe food
5-hour ebergy shots or sugarfree energy drinks
-Stimulant laxatives
-Green or Oolong tea for metabolism boost via Catechin
-Scale
BOOKS
-'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher (the 'ana bible')
-'Thin' by Lauren Greenfield (read or watch HBO documentary)
And lastly, here is a clip of another peice I printed, I hanged on my mirror: (thanks to whoever wrote it!!)
So You Wanna Be Thin?
Welcome to the world. Everyone wants to be thin.
Very few actually make it.
But when they do...everyone pays attetnion.
Theres a reason thin people are models.
Thin is what people want to see.
Anything looks good on a thin person.
Any swimsuit, any pair of jeans, any top, any hairstyle.
Thin is beautiful because thin is control. Mind over body.
Thin people know better than anyone that nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Thin is like floating on air, shrinking. Being in control.
People who are not thin may say they are okay with how they look, but it's a lie.
Because everyone knows... thin is all that matters
Do you want to matter?
Think about it.
Happy Halloween! everyone
(But don't indulge so much!)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Not the same
A few days ago I made some rice, and was starting to eat it when I stopped; I stared at it, put down my fork, almost felt like gagging, and then walked away.
I didn't walk away just because it was food, but because of what it looked like.
A few weeks ago I was cleaning a dish, i don't remember what it was, and i guess it was REALLY old because things had started to grow - gross things, really gross things.
So the rice was brown, but it still looked...gross.
I don't know what happened to make me see rice this way, but now I do.
And it's really weird.
But a little comforting.
I didn't walk away just because it was food, but because of what it looked like.
A few weeks ago I was cleaning a dish, i don't remember what it was, and i guess it was REALLY old because things had started to grow - gross things, really gross things.
So the rice was brown, but it still looked...gross.
I don't know what happened to make me see rice this way, but now I do.
And it's really weird.
But a little comforting.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Failed Again
For us girls, each month, we can know if we have failed - failed ana.
Yes, every month not getting the '.' is like a huge success, a sign that we have managed to do at least something right. So when my stomach was hurting yesterday, I knew I had failed for another month.
One funny thing that I found while reading the footnotes in some anorexic book, was that the fat content you consume can determine whether you get the monthly 'dot' or not. I have never actually known this little tibdit of info, so from now on, lessening the fat content in my diet will do some good. Besides, anyone trying to be thinner, and thinner, knows that to lose weight, you have to lessen the fat content that you consume.
And so it begins...
Good luck to everyone
Yes, every month not getting the '.' is like a huge success, a sign that we have managed to do at least something right. So when my stomach was hurting yesterday, I knew I had failed for another month.
One funny thing that I found while reading the footnotes in some anorexic book, was that the fat content you consume can determine whether you get the monthly 'dot' or not. I have never actually known this little tibdit of info, so from now on, lessening the fat content in my diet will do some good. Besides, anyone trying to be thinner, and thinner, knows that to lose weight, you have to lessen the fat content that you consume.
And so it begins...
Good luck to everyone
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I am now added on facebook, Emma Belle, email anaregzig@hotmail.com
Check it out, even add me if you want; becoming perfect is alot easier knowning that there are friends who can push you more toward your goal. sometimes they are the best. ever.
so, anyways, as I was looking up on itunes (as every tuesday, new music comes out on itunes), I saw a few new tunes that i would've liked to have. So, I'll admit here that I use limewire, but, seriously, who in their lifetime hasn't? And Limewire pointed out that my version is old, so i needed to update. Apparently, when i typed limewire into google, Limewire is now under some judge appointed ruling thing, and it won't work anymore.
One of the few things that gets me through everyday without going crazy, is music. I love music, it's one thing that I know will always be there. so when I found limewire wasn't going to work...i kind of freaked.
And that's all there is to say about that.
Check it out, even add me if you want; becoming perfect is alot easier knowning that there are friends who can push you more toward your goal. sometimes they are the best. ever.
so, anyways, as I was looking up on itunes (as every tuesday, new music comes out on itunes), I saw a few new tunes that i would've liked to have. So, I'll admit here that I use limewire, but, seriously, who in their lifetime hasn't? And Limewire pointed out that my version is old, so i needed to update. Apparently, when i typed limewire into google, Limewire is now under some judge appointed ruling thing, and it won't work anymore.
One of the few things that gets me through everyday without going crazy, is music. I love music, it's one thing that I know will always be there. so when I found limewire wasn't going to work...i kind of freaked.
And that's all there is to say about that.
The last post didnt have a name; I wasnt quite sure what to call it, I've never been good with naming these posts.
Halloween is coming around, which means it will be even more harder to avoid the candy and sweets, which is one of my downfalls (besides late night eating).
I have now sticked to a routine that I found on a pro-ana website, and am quite proud of sticking to it. It's the 'no eating between 7 pm until 7am'. So basically I dont go to bed until 3 hours have passed, from the 7 pm mark, so my body will have had some time to burn the calories in whatever I eat.
Also another rule is, if I am going to eat something wth more calories than i would wish, I eat it in the morning, so that my body has the whole day to burn it off.
I still don't have a scale, but am getting super anxious about how much I weigh, so I will hopefully be getting one soon, and then I will be able to post.
I want to thank those who have posted comments in the past; you have no idea how much they mean to me, that you took the time of day to read any post on this blog. It makes me want to try even harder, push myself to become better. thank you.
xoxo
~Emma
Halloween is coming around, which means it will be even more harder to avoid the candy and sweets, which is one of my downfalls (besides late night eating).
I have now sticked to a routine that I found on a pro-ana website, and am quite proud of sticking to it. It's the 'no eating between 7 pm until 7am'. So basically I dont go to bed until 3 hours have passed, from the 7 pm mark, so my body will have had some time to burn the calories in whatever I eat.
Also another rule is, if I am going to eat something wth more calories than i would wish, I eat it in the morning, so that my body has the whole day to burn it off.
I still don't have a scale, but am getting super anxious about how much I weigh, so I will hopefully be getting one soon, and then I will be able to post.
I want to thank those who have posted comments in the past; you have no idea how much they mean to me, that you took the time of day to read any post on this blog. It makes me want to try even harder, push myself to become better. thank you.
xoxo
~Emma
It has been a while since I have posted anything, and for that I feel bad. I myself come onto proana sites go get inspiration, to know that I am not alone, and know that someone else out there - even if i don't know who they are - knows what i'm going through. I like being able to write in annonymity, and knowing that anyone i know will not have a clue it is me; it's kind of theraputic putting it out there, getting it off my shoulders.
So update:
I probably haven't been proving 'ana' as proud as I could have been, but one good thing that I have been doing is writing down everything that i eat; I am actually kind of suprised at how it can all add up so quickly. I have been eating more than I would want to limit myself to (500 cals per day), but I am now knowing more about my eating habits, and how to avoid temptation better then before.
Over the weekend, my mother, sister, and me took a trip to visit the uni my sister will be going to next year; whilst she was visiting, me and my mother went to do a little shopping. during this trip I did not feel very welcome on this trip; I don't know, it was just the vibe my mother and sister gave off. I graduated a year ago, and I still definitely do not know what I want todo with my life (and it's not like we all positively do know at this age anyway), so visiting the university, I guess my mother felt that her oldest daughter was a failure, and lets face it, I am. I was not the smartest during school, at least not like my sister; I do not have a job, nor do I know where I am going in life. I do know I want to go back to school, but do study a subject, I have no idea what I would study.
Being better than my sister was what I was good at up until a few years ago, and now that I have fallen behind her, it's like everyone looks at me differently. I felt more like a slower-downer on the trip, rather than a fun, helpful person. My mother annoyed me, and she was... probably disappointed.
Thinking about being thin, but then achieving it, I can only imagine the look on their faces when I get to that point, and I know I am better. Knowing that they can see the willpower and how hard I tried to finally succeed in at least one aspect of my life.
Even if I do end up at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
So update:
I probably haven't been proving 'ana' as proud as I could have been, but one good thing that I have been doing is writing down everything that i eat; I am actually kind of suprised at how it can all add up so quickly. I have been eating more than I would want to limit myself to (500 cals per day), but I am now knowing more about my eating habits, and how to avoid temptation better then before.
Over the weekend, my mother, sister, and me took a trip to visit the uni my sister will be going to next year; whilst she was visiting, me and my mother went to do a little shopping. during this trip I did not feel very welcome on this trip; I don't know, it was just the vibe my mother and sister gave off. I graduated a year ago, and I still definitely do not know what I want todo with my life (and it's not like we all positively do know at this age anyway), so visiting the university, I guess my mother felt that her oldest daughter was a failure, and lets face it, I am. I was not the smartest during school, at least not like my sister; I do not have a job, nor do I know where I am going in life. I do know I want to go back to school, but do study a subject, I have no idea what I would study.
Being better than my sister was what I was good at up until a few years ago, and now that I have fallen behind her, it's like everyone looks at me differently. I felt more like a slower-downer on the trip, rather than a fun, helpful person. My mother annoyed me, and she was... probably disappointed.
Thinking about being thin, but then achieving it, I can only imagine the look on their faces when I get to that point, and I know I am better. Knowing that they can see the willpower and how hard I tried to finally succeed in at least one aspect of my life.
Even if I do end up at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
128
the dreaded number: 128. the number of lbs I still currently have on my bones.
I have begun spinning down the rabbit hole again. Last year about this time, I felt so lonely, and felt so incredibly fat compared to everyone else. Now I'm getting back into the same hole I was in last year...and oddly enough, it feels great.
I have made a huge effort to not even touch meat for the last few weeks, and am now going on a strict no-meat, no-soda diet. Not having meat will probably excuse me from a few meals, since my family eats meat quite often. Becoming vegetarian feels good, like I'm not just taking care of myself, but also of some hopeless, defenseless animal, who will now not have to die just to feed my stomach, or to satisfy my palette. And the environment.
I have been reading up on some books, ones that cover the topic of pro-ana. Sometiems you can get really good diet ideas from there. I have also been reading up on all the blogs that I have not been reading the last couple of months.
It feels really good to be going back into the hole that i was in before. (for some reason, that always reminds me of Alice when she went down to wonderland)
i hope everyone has been doing well
love and kisses,
~emma
I have begun spinning down the rabbit hole again. Last year about this time, I felt so lonely, and felt so incredibly fat compared to everyone else. Now I'm getting back into the same hole I was in last year...and oddly enough, it feels great.
I have made a huge effort to not even touch meat for the last few weeks, and am now going on a strict no-meat, no-soda diet. Not having meat will probably excuse me from a few meals, since my family eats meat quite often. Becoming vegetarian feels good, like I'm not just taking care of myself, but also of some hopeless, defenseless animal, who will now not have to die just to feed my stomach, or to satisfy my palette. And the environment.
I have been reading up on some books, ones that cover the topic of pro-ana. Sometiems you can get really good diet ideas from there. I have also been reading up on all the blogs that I have not been reading the last couple of months.
It feels really good to be going back into the hole that i was in before. (for some reason, that always reminds me of Alice when she went down to wonderland)
i hope everyone has been doing well
love and kisses,
~emma
Thursday, August 12, 2010
It's been a while
It's been a while since I last posted; for the past couple of weeks, the days just seem to be a blur. I must admit though, I haven't eaten much, but that may be because i've slept till late in the morning. Having lots of time - not eating- has let me think more about myself and who i am in the world. I found this survey, and decided to put it up, hope you don't mind that it may be a bit long. I found it from another blog... so here goes. (it also has some weird questions.)
Three colours you are wearing at the moment.
1. Blue
2. White
3. light pink
The last three people to call you:
1. Dad
2. sister
3. mom
Three bands/singers you love:
1. Michelle Branch
2. Taylor Swift
3. katy perry
Three people you've talked to today:
1. Mom
2. Dad
3.
Three things you could grab from where you're sitting:
1. phone
2. hand sanitizer
3. lip chap
The last three things you've had to drink:
1. Water
2. Milk
3. Water
Three people you can count on:
1.
2.
3.
Three places you want to go:
1. London
2. Paris
3. New York
The last three places you've gone:
1. Neighours garden
2. Mom's
3. Dad's
Three people to be stranded on a desert island with:
1. Sister
2. Emma watson
3. michelle branch (for music to pass time)
Three smells you love:
1. fresh bread.
2. roses
3. fresh food
Three people you loop up to:
1. Audrey Hepburn
2. ??
3. ??
Three places you've lived:
1. Mackenzie
2. here.
3.
Three things you're good at:
1. cooking
2. Music
3. Reading
The last three people you've kissed:
1. none.
2.
3.
The last three people you've dated:
1. none.
2.
3.
Three irresponsible things you've done:
1. let my mom buy and decide on prom dress (horrible)
2. Not do well in school as I would have hoped.
3. Cause the destruction of my family.
Three Movies You Love:
1. 200 Pounds Beauty
2. Memoirs of a Geisha
3. Amelie
Three Things That Annoy You:
1. stuck up people who think their all that
2. messy room
3. cold
Three items that you'd save of you're house was on fire:
1. laptop (computer)
2. guitar
3. books (diary?)
Three careers you've considered:
1. Editor
2. cook/baker
3. fashion designer
Three things you wish you knew about your future:
1. if i will find love in life
2. if i will be happy after everything
3.
The last three songs you listened to:
1. Mine - Taylor Swift
2. 2010 - Jay Sean
3. she Wolf - shakira
Three things you consider lucky:
1. purse (in case of emergency)
2. stars
3. being happy
Three t.v. show characters you wish were real:
1. Monica Gellar (friends)
2. Valla (stargate sg1) (what? she's hilarious!!)
3.
Three issues you have strong opinions on;
1. Animal cruelty
2. Global Warming
3. gas (like what happened at the gulf)
Three things you wish you could change about yourself:
1. skinnier
2. More of a personality (funnier perhaps)
3. smarter
Three people from your past you wish you could spend a day with:
1.
2.
3.
Three famous people you'd like to meet:
1. Anne Frank
2. emma watson
3. michelle branch
Three things you are wearing:
1. socks
2. sweater
3. blue jeans
Three things you are addicted to:
1. music
2. tv
3. laptop
Three favorite colours: (changes all the time)
1. pink
2. blue
3. white
Three things you will do now that this is over:
1. finish tv show
2. bathroom
3. sleep
oh gsh that was long
thanks for reading if you did
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Three colours you are wearing at the moment.
1. Blue
2. White
3. light pink
The last three people to call you:
1. Dad
2. sister
3. mom
Three bands/singers you love:
1. Michelle Branch
2. Taylor Swift
3. katy perry
Three people you've talked to today:
1. Mom
2. Dad
3.
Three things you could grab from where you're sitting:
1. phone
2. hand sanitizer
3. lip chap
The last three things you've had to drink:
1. Water
2. Milk
3. Water
Three people you can count on:
1.
2.
3.
Three places you want to go:
1. London
2. Paris
3. New York
The last three places you've gone:
1. Neighours garden
2. Mom's
3. Dad's
Three people to be stranded on a desert island with:
1. Sister
2. Emma watson
3. michelle branch (for music to pass time)
Three smells you love:
1. fresh bread.
2. roses
3. fresh food
Three people you loop up to:
1. Audrey Hepburn
2. ??
3. ??
Three places you've lived:
1. Mackenzie
2. here.
3.
Three things you're good at:
1. cooking
2. Music
3. Reading
The last three people you've kissed:
1. none.
2.
3.
The last three people you've dated:
1. none.
2.
3.
Three irresponsible things you've done:
1. let my mom buy and decide on prom dress (horrible)
2. Not do well in school as I would have hoped.
3. Cause the destruction of my family.
Three Movies You Love:
1. 200 Pounds Beauty
2. Memoirs of a Geisha
3. Amelie
Three Things That Annoy You:
1. stuck up people who think their all that
2. messy room
3. cold
Three items that you'd save of you're house was on fire:
1. laptop (computer)
2. guitar
3. books (diary?)
Three careers you've considered:
1. Editor
2. cook/baker
3. fashion designer
Three things you wish you knew about your future:
1. if i will find love in life
2. if i will be happy after everything
3.
The last three songs you listened to:
1. Mine - Taylor Swift
2. 2010 - Jay Sean
3. she Wolf - shakira
Three things you consider lucky:
1. purse (in case of emergency)
2. stars
3. being happy
Three t.v. show characters you wish were real:
1. Monica Gellar (friends)
2. Valla (stargate sg1) (what? she's hilarious!!)
3.
Three issues you have strong opinions on;
1. Animal cruelty
2. Global Warming
3. gas (like what happened at the gulf)
Three things you wish you could change about yourself:
1. skinnier
2. More of a personality (funnier perhaps)
3. smarter
Three people from your past you wish you could spend a day with:
1.
2.
3.
Three famous people you'd like to meet:
1. Anne Frank
2. emma watson
3. michelle branch
Three things you are wearing:
1. socks
2. sweater
3. blue jeans
Three things you are addicted to:
1. music
2. tv
3. laptop
Three favorite colours: (changes all the time)
1. pink
2. blue
3. white
Three things you will do now that this is over:
1. finish tv show
2. bathroom
3. sleep
oh gsh that was long
thanks for reading if you did
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Sunday, July 18, 2010
So my sister didn't stay at home last night...and its my fault.
Okay, so first, I accidentally told my father that my mother had taken my sister's phone away because my sister said she was going to be somewhere but was actually out somewhere else with a boy - so my mother took my sisters phone away.
My father got a little mad, since, how else was he supposed to contact my sister if she didn't have her phone?
So last night, my sister and mother got into a arguement about how my sister shuld have her phone incase of arguments. In the end, my mother grabbed the phone, walked up to my sister and said 'Fine, go live with your father.' So my sister wasnt home last night, and it's all my fault.
So tomorrow, we're celebrating my birthday ( ;( ) and my father wants to have a barbeque. WHAT!!!!!!>?????? There is no way in h*ll (escuse my language) that I would EVER want a barbeque for my birthday. They smell, and they revolt me. Tons of ants and mosquitos, and, oh, god the heat! I hate them. I don't like the smell of chicken, or hot dogs, or hamburgers, and I don't even eat meat to begin with. But my father is always pushing the meat on me, AND I DON'T WANT TO EAT IT!!!
I know I shouldn't be so selfish, but when its girl's birthday, she wants the day to be perfect. And my idea of perfect is NOT with a barbeque! AAHHHHH!
I hope it's fine tomorrow. I have never had a good birthday, they've all been BAD and crappy. I've never had a sweet 16, but that's just me. I would rather not americanize - no offense to those who have - my birthday (even though its not my 16th, but 19th), but when I'm 19, I'm legally an adult, and can do whatever I please, even if I want to get out of the country, or just travel across country.
Anyway, hope everyone else is doing better than I am, and I hope summer is treating everyone better (TIP: you burn more calories when you jog in the summer than in the winter)
Lovelovelove
~Em
Okay, so first, I accidentally told my father that my mother had taken my sister's phone away because my sister said she was going to be somewhere but was actually out somewhere else with a boy - so my mother took my sisters phone away.
My father got a little mad, since, how else was he supposed to contact my sister if she didn't have her phone?
So last night, my sister and mother got into a arguement about how my sister shuld have her phone incase of arguments. In the end, my mother grabbed the phone, walked up to my sister and said 'Fine, go live with your father.' So my sister wasnt home last night, and it's all my fault.
So tomorrow, we're celebrating my birthday ( ;( ) and my father wants to have a barbeque. WHAT!!!!!!>?????? There is no way in h*ll (escuse my language) that I would EVER want a barbeque for my birthday. They smell, and they revolt me. Tons of ants and mosquitos, and, oh, god the heat! I hate them. I don't like the smell of chicken, or hot dogs, or hamburgers, and I don't even eat meat to begin with. But my father is always pushing the meat on me, AND I DON'T WANT TO EAT IT!!!
I know I shouldn't be so selfish, but when its girl's birthday, she wants the day to be perfect. And my idea of perfect is NOT with a barbeque! AAHHHHH!
I hope it's fine tomorrow. I have never had a good birthday, they've all been BAD and crappy. I've never had a sweet 16, but that's just me. I would rather not americanize - no offense to those who have - my birthday (even though its not my 16th, but 19th), but when I'm 19, I'm legally an adult, and can do whatever I please, even if I want to get out of the country, or just travel across country.
Anyway, hope everyone else is doing better than I am, and I hope summer is treating everyone better (TIP: you burn more calories when you jog in the summer than in the winter)
Lovelovelove
~Em
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
From bad to worse
You know that expression 'How could it get any worse?'; the one you use when everything seems to be bad, but once you say it, it gets worse. Well, my life now has gone from bad to worse.
My mom has now just told my sister and me that we're moving. She can't afford the house, and shuffling snow, and wood for the wood stove seems like too much for her. I keep asking where we'll go once we're out of the house, but she doesn't know yet. That's what always bugs me. No matter where you live, at least once in someone's life they move; i hate moving, it's like there isn't a place in the world that I can ever truly call home.
So now currently I'm jobless, and now maybe temporaryily homeless.
I know it's weird when I post stuff about how bad my life is, when it's better than some. But I really don't like talking to therapists (thank god i don't anymore)- they give you answers like asking people things, that you would never ask. My mother has made me talk to at least 3, when there never was anything wrong with me inthe first place. And they never seem in understand; all they seem to do is sit there, ask you questions, and then write it down, and you get the feeling like their judging you, when, clearly, they shouldn't. I mean, everyone has secrets. Anyway, not knowing who i'm talking to kind of helps; I get annonymity, and i don't have people constantly judging me.
So by the end of the summer, I'll be living somewhere else, most likely in a rented apartment, where you can't een stick a nail in the wall. It's like I'll be living in a temporary home.
Anyway, hope everyone is good. Hope summer is treating everyone well, and good luck in your endeavors.
Lovelovelove
~Em
My mom has now just told my sister and me that we're moving. She can't afford the house, and shuffling snow, and wood for the wood stove seems like too much for her. I keep asking where we'll go once we're out of the house, but she doesn't know yet. That's what always bugs me. No matter where you live, at least once in someone's life they move; i hate moving, it's like there isn't a place in the world that I can ever truly call home.
So now currently I'm jobless, and now maybe temporaryily homeless.
I know it's weird when I post stuff about how bad my life is, when it's better than some. But I really don't like talking to therapists (thank god i don't anymore)- they give you answers like asking people things, that you would never ask. My mother has made me talk to at least 3, when there never was anything wrong with me inthe first place. And they never seem in understand; all they seem to do is sit there, ask you questions, and then write it down, and you get the feeling like their judging you, when, clearly, they shouldn't. I mean, everyone has secrets. Anyway, not knowing who i'm talking to kind of helps; I get annonymity, and i don't have people constantly judging me.
So by the end of the summer, I'll be living somewhere else, most likely in a rented apartment, where you can't een stick a nail in the wall. It's like I'll be living in a temporary home.
Anyway, hope everyone is good. Hope summer is treating everyone well, and good luck in your endeavors.
Lovelovelove
~Em
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
July 6, 2010
Hey everyone again!
I haven't been posting for a while, and I'm sorry about that. Everything has been going down hill. Good news is that I have finally figured out what I want to do for the next four years!!!!! College - to study English!
But the bad news?? I haven't been able to find a good job for almost a year now. My parents must be rolling on the floor laughing at all of my life's failures, but still thanking God that my younger sister is perfect (besides that fact that she is dating an psychotic idoit! - but they don't know that yet!)
Anyway, my life is hopefully going to get back on track this summer, and I will try to post as often as I can.
I do truly hope that everyone is great this summer, and I hope those pounds are melting off!!!
-Lovelovelove
~Em
P.S.- If anyone needs more inspiration than these (or other) blog posts, prettythin.com is a website that helps me in my darkest hour!
Good Luck Everyone!!!
I haven't been posting for a while, and I'm sorry about that. Everything has been going down hill. Good news is that I have finally figured out what I want to do for the next four years!!!!! College - to study English!
But the bad news?? I haven't been able to find a good job for almost a year now. My parents must be rolling on the floor laughing at all of my life's failures, but still thanking God that my younger sister is perfect (besides that fact that she is dating an psychotic idoit! - but they don't know that yet!)
Anyway, my life is hopefully going to get back on track this summer, and I will try to post as often as I can.
I do truly hope that everyone is great this summer, and I hope those pounds are melting off!!!
-Lovelovelove
~Em
P.S.- If anyone needs more inspiration than these (or other) blog posts, prettythin.com is a website that helps me in my darkest hour!
Good Luck Everyone!!!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
??
Hey everyone reading this.
I know i havne't really been writing much over the last couple of months. I've just been kind of busy trying to sort everything.
Summer is just a month away and i'm hoping to be much thinner and more fit then. I only have a month left to do that, so I've been trying to get my a** out for a jog more than i usually would.
Over the next few weeks, I have learned that now, if i want to go to a good college/university, i may have to upgrade a few of my classes from high school.
It's no secret, i was miserable in high school, and basically sometimes my grades would be not satisfactory, but thank god i didn't fail anything. Basically when i liked a subject I would do good in it, but if i didn't like the class, I wouldn't do good, like Math, and Science. I did like History, and English Literature, Foods, and Art. So i guess that's good. And besides the fact that I would have to miss a few classes for trips to the dentist that is four hours ago. (orthodonticts, that's why i don't go to the normal dentist where I live) So i have to upgrade one class.
Gosh, this must seem like ramblings.
Anyway, i may not be able to post many updates.
Hope everyone is good.
Lovelovelove
~Em
I know i havne't really been writing much over the last couple of months. I've just been kind of busy trying to sort everything.
Summer is just a month away and i'm hoping to be much thinner and more fit then. I only have a month left to do that, so I've been trying to get my a** out for a jog more than i usually would.
Over the next few weeks, I have learned that now, if i want to go to a good college/university, i may have to upgrade a few of my classes from high school.
It's no secret, i was miserable in high school, and basically sometimes my grades would be not satisfactory, but thank god i didn't fail anything. Basically when i liked a subject I would do good in it, but if i didn't like the class, I wouldn't do good, like Math, and Science. I did like History, and English Literature, Foods, and Art. So i guess that's good. And besides the fact that I would have to miss a few classes for trips to the dentist that is four hours ago. (orthodonticts, that's why i don't go to the normal dentist where I live) So i have to upgrade one class.
Gosh, this must seem like ramblings.
Anyway, i may not be able to post many updates.
Hope everyone is good.
Lovelovelove
~Em
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
When is my mother finally going to realize that not everything is about her?
Talking about me going to to college, and she brings up herself, saying that she's still ging to school. I DN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HER!!! well, yeah, talking about college, but not her. I know what she thinks. she already has a perfect daughter, my sister, so why try to fix me, when theres no point, she already has a perfect one?
why does everything have to be about everyone else?
Maybe that's why i like being damaged...because sooner or later everone will notice, and by then it'll be too late, and then they'll realize how stupid they were.
ARGH!
Lovelovelove
~Em
Talking about me going to to college, and she brings up herself, saying that she's still ging to school. I DN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HER!!! well, yeah, talking about college, but not her. I know what she thinks. she already has a perfect daughter, my sister, so why try to fix me, when theres no point, she already has a perfect one?
why does everything have to be about everyone else?
Maybe that's why i like being damaged...because sooner or later everone will notice, and by then it'll be too late, and then they'll realize how stupid they were.
ARGH!
Lovelovelove
~Em
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Its been a while...
Well, it's been a while since Ive been writing. Everything been a little weird the past couple of weeks. I've mainly been visiting Pretty Thin; not much has happened.
Jobless, and lonely, and bored all the time is really...boring.
Probably haven't lost any weight i a while, but now that all the people who were away at college are coming back now, i'll be doing more jogging, jump rope, and losing weight; also dieting. If everything goes according to plan, i hope i'll be thin enough by july.
I was on Pretty Thin a couple of days ago when i saw that someone had put 4 words into their 'about me' thing. they were 'The Pretty Little Liars.' i thought about it, and when I think of it, it kind of makes sense. We all lie to get to perfection, to achieve something that seems to far off, and to feel more than just 'me'. (if that makes any sense at all).
so now I have kind of nicknames myself, the pretty little liar, a code name so that my parents or friends don't know that i'm talking about Ana.
Anyway, i hope to be writing again soon, and most likely have a job by then.
hope everyone is good
Lovelovelove
~Em
Jobless, and lonely, and bored all the time is really...boring.
Probably haven't lost any weight i a while, but now that all the people who were away at college are coming back now, i'll be doing more jogging, jump rope, and losing weight; also dieting. If everything goes according to plan, i hope i'll be thin enough by july.
I was on Pretty Thin a couple of days ago when i saw that someone had put 4 words into their 'about me' thing. they were 'The Pretty Little Liars.' i thought about it, and when I think of it, it kind of makes sense. We all lie to get to perfection, to achieve something that seems to far off, and to feel more than just 'me'. (if that makes any sense at all).
so now I have kind of nicknames myself, the pretty little liar, a code name so that my parents or friends don't know that i'm talking about Ana.
Anyway, i hope to be writing again soon, and most likely have a job by then.
hope everyone is good
Lovelovelove
~Em
Friday, April 9, 2010
'Let It Go To Your Thighs First'
That's what my sister said, when i told her that I couldn't go for a jog yet.
I said that i had just eaten a little bit of popcorn, and am now waiting for my stomach to settle, because whenever i run after eating, my stomach gets sore. She said, "Okay, fine, let it go to your thighs first!"
From now on, i will jog at 8:00 in the morning, and 11:00 in the morning, and 9:oo at night. (AND I will eat NOTHING!!) Hopefully by the end of the month I will be in tip top shape.
Anyone wanna join me???
Lovelovelove,
~Em
I said that i had just eaten a little bit of popcorn, and am now waiting for my stomach to settle, because whenever i run after eating, my stomach gets sore. She said, "Okay, fine, let it go to your thighs first!"
From now on, i will jog at 8:00 in the morning, and 11:00 in the morning, and 9:oo at night. (AND I will eat NOTHING!!) Hopefully by the end of the month I will be in tip top shape.
Anyone wanna join me???
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Oh My Gosh, it's been SO long!
hey all you pretties out there reading this blog!!
I will admit I haven't been on here, or writing for a while.
To be honest I kind of been on PT for ana stuff now. Not that its not good here, but i kind of like the live chat.
Everything is probably the same as it always is...i count every calorie, but never seem to get the strength to go and run and burn it off.
theres this girl who graduated with me last year, who has already had a baby! and she's like 18!!! I mean, isn't that a little soon??? Not to be prejudice on anyone else, but she kind of was always the shy one...people would always call me shy, but i thought that she was worse than me.
It's quite a shock actually, that something could happen like that, and i didn't even know...i mean, I sat beside her for like 4 years in band, we both played the clarinet, and when band trips came along, we would hang together in the mall and stuff.
My life hasn't even started yet.
I'm bored all the time.
that all must sould brutallyhonest, but if i don't write it all down here, then i have nowhere else to put it, and its not like a therapist is going to understand what im going through, like you guys are.
No one seems to understand about perfection, and how i crave the feeling of it.
Anyway...that probably seemed like a bunch of random stuff, but i hope it wasn't that bad.
I hope everyone who is reading this is doing good.
Best of luck, pretties!!
Lovelovelove
~Em
I will admit I haven't been on here, or writing for a while.
To be honest I kind of been on PT for ana stuff now. Not that its not good here, but i kind of like the live chat.
Everything is probably the same as it always is...i count every calorie, but never seem to get the strength to go and run and burn it off.
theres this girl who graduated with me last year, who has already had a baby! and she's like 18!!! I mean, isn't that a little soon??? Not to be prejudice on anyone else, but she kind of was always the shy one...people would always call me shy, but i thought that she was worse than me.
It's quite a shock actually, that something could happen like that, and i didn't even know...i mean, I sat beside her for like 4 years in band, we both played the clarinet, and when band trips came along, we would hang together in the mall and stuff.
My life hasn't even started yet.
I'm bored all the time.
that all must sould brutallyhonest, but if i don't write it all down here, then i have nowhere else to put it, and its not like a therapist is going to understand what im going through, like you guys are.
No one seems to understand about perfection, and how i crave the feeling of it.
Anyway...that probably seemed like a bunch of random stuff, but i hope it wasn't that bad.
I hope everyone who is reading this is doing good.
Best of luck, pretties!!
Lovelovelove
~Em
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Anger
Okay, so my father was on my sisters phone, and then he wanted to talk to me, so my sister passed the phone to me, and i talked to him for like 2 minutes, and then after i looked at her text messages; you can never really know what people say about you.
Anyway, so i was looking at what people texted her, and was shocked at what this guy kenny said. He was going on about how i don't know what i want to do with my life, and when i'm going to move out of my parents house. okay, so i see his point, but who the h*Ll does he think he is, going on about someone like that, when he doesn't even know me; i don't even know him!
Okay, so i don't really have any goals in life, except the obvious ones that everyone else has, and i have no clue what i want to do with my life, besides somethine in beauty or fashion (but not desinging); i still...and i'm looking for a job, so that i can ...live? well, i really want a job so i can buy more cosmetics, to be honest. I have always wanted to buy a mac lipstick, and maybe a few other things, so to do that i would need to get a job, which is good for everyone.
Anyway, hope everyone is good!!
Lovelovelove
~em
Anyway, so i was looking at what people texted her, and was shocked at what this guy kenny said. He was going on about how i don't know what i want to do with my life, and when i'm going to move out of my parents house. okay, so i see his point, but who the h*Ll does he think he is, going on about someone like that, when he doesn't even know me; i don't even know him!
Okay, so i don't really have any goals in life, except the obvious ones that everyone else has, and i have no clue what i want to do with my life, besides somethine in beauty or fashion (but not desinging); i still...and i'm looking for a job, so that i can ...live? well, i really want a job so i can buy more cosmetics, to be honest. I have always wanted to buy a mac lipstick, and maybe a few other things, so to do that i would need to get a job, which is good for everyone.
Anyway, hope everyone is good!!
Lovelovelove
~em
Saturday, March 20, 2010
It's been a while
Hey everyone! I'm back!
I know it has been a while since i last posted, and i must say, that i feel better than i ever have when i was writing previous entires.
Okay, so i have been writing EVERYTHING down that i eat, and everyday for the past 4 days, i have been going out and excerising. Mostly just biking half an hour, and jogging for 30 minutes, except that last night my hip started to hurt for some strange unknown reason, and i had to walk the last 8 minutes. I think my hip started to hurt because of a small accident i had a few years ago. About 3-4 years ago, when i was like in grade 9 or something, where I live we have a mountain which is like a ski hill, and pratically everyone who lives here has been 'up on the hill' as least once or twice. So, younger grades in my 8-12 grade high school, lets kids from grade 8-9 go up 3 times between January and February, just for a few fun days. So when i was in grade 9, i fell down a small hill, and i think my hip landed awkardly onto my ski, and so it hurt for a while. It hasn't bothered my, except that my back hurts on and off rarely, but it happens, and when it does, it really hurts, like i can't lie straight on my back.
So last night, i had to cut my jog short because of my hip, and now today it hurts like its bruised or something. I think i'm gonna have to go to the doctor. It's kind of freaking me out, i mean, something doesn't just hurt for no reason, right?
Anyway, so i have been keeping track of what i have been eating, and it really does all add up. So, i count the food i've ate, then the excerise i've done, and then -150 for a normal day. Then i add and subtract, all that stuff, and the number that i get is what i write down on a calendar i made, and then i add all the numbers up from everyday, and see how many calories i've eaten, blah,blah,blah. Okay so within the last 5 days i've had -get ready-....5049 calories.
So that number will flextuate, but my goal is to get it to a negative number, and burn all calories. Let me say, that is ALOT of exercise, but to be honset, i'm kind of looking forward to it.
For 3 years now, i have been SO concerned about my weight, and now i'm actually doing something about it.
Anyway, hope you are all well.
Lovelovelove
~em
I know it has been a while since i last posted, and i must say, that i feel better than i ever have when i was writing previous entires.
Okay, so i have been writing EVERYTHING down that i eat, and everyday for the past 4 days, i have been going out and excerising. Mostly just biking half an hour, and jogging for 30 minutes, except that last night my hip started to hurt for some strange unknown reason, and i had to walk the last 8 minutes. I think my hip started to hurt because of a small accident i had a few years ago. About 3-4 years ago, when i was like in grade 9 or something, where I live we have a mountain which is like a ski hill, and pratically everyone who lives here has been 'up on the hill' as least once or twice. So, younger grades in my 8-12 grade high school, lets kids from grade 8-9 go up 3 times between January and February, just for a few fun days. So when i was in grade 9, i fell down a small hill, and i think my hip landed awkardly onto my ski, and so it hurt for a while. It hasn't bothered my, except that my back hurts on and off rarely, but it happens, and when it does, it really hurts, like i can't lie straight on my back.
So last night, i had to cut my jog short because of my hip, and now today it hurts like its bruised or something. I think i'm gonna have to go to the doctor. It's kind of freaking me out, i mean, something doesn't just hurt for no reason, right?
Anyway, so i have been keeping track of what i have been eating, and it really does all add up. So, i count the food i've ate, then the excerise i've done, and then -150 for a normal day. Then i add and subtract, all that stuff, and the number that i get is what i write down on a calendar i made, and then i add all the numbers up from everyday, and see how many calories i've eaten, blah,blah,blah. Okay so within the last 5 days i've had -get ready-....5049 calories.
So that number will flextuate, but my goal is to get it to a negative number, and burn all calories. Let me say, that is ALOT of exercise, but to be honset, i'm kind of looking forward to it.
For 3 years now, i have been SO concerned about my weight, and now i'm actually doing something about it.
Anyway, hope you are all well.
Lovelovelove
~em
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Not As Planned
Okay, so, last summer, as our next door neighours needed a place to put some extra stuff, as they were moving and had run out of room, there was a treadmill out of some of the stuff.
I tried to turn it on tonight, but it didn't work. It needed a key. DARN!
So now I have to resort back to going jogging out in the open. It's not that i don't like nature, I just don't like it when people stare at me, and in my head I know that their thinking how fat I am. So I usually run at night, so no one will see me clearly.
I hate this.
I hate being fat.
Hope everyone is doing better than me.
Lovelovelove
~Em
I tried to turn it on tonight, but it didn't work. It needed a key. DARN!
So now I have to resort back to going jogging out in the open. It's not that i don't like nature, I just don't like it when people stare at me, and in my head I know that their thinking how fat I am. So I usually run at night, so no one will see me clearly.
I hate this.
I hate being fat.
Hope everyone is doing better than me.
Lovelovelove
~Em
Sunday, March 7, 2010
thanks
okay, i forgot someting on the last post.
So, i can look back at some of my later posts, and see what i wrote, and what people comment on them.
Thanks Charlie for the comment. It REALLY made my day.
Thanks:)
So, i can look back at some of my later posts, and see what i wrote, and what people comment on them.
Thanks Charlie for the comment. It REALLY made my day.
Thanks:)
March 7, 2010
I don't really know what to write.
I keep thinking about how things should be, but then think about how much i regret everything over the years.
I keep thinking about how things should be, but then think about how much i regret everything over the years.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
just stop
maybe i should just stop speaking completely.
see how long it takes for people to notice.
i doubt it.
whatever.
lovelovelove,
~em
see how long it takes for people to notice.
i doubt it.
whatever.
lovelovelove,
~em
Saturday, February 27, 2010
So Confused
Okay, so yesterday as me and my dad were driving back home from a 4 hour trip to the dentist, he talked about the future. Snooze-alert, but he suddenly said that mom kicked him out of the house because she was sick and tired of hearing him talk about how the world is going to be financially in trouble soon.
Seriously, isn't marriage about love, not money.
Sure, yeah, I mean, money probably was the only reason anyone ever married - like 75 years ago. Now everyone can choose who to marry without any limitations from family.
So why would mom kick someone out of the house, just because of money, and then divorce because of money.
Someone who does that is not happy with themsevles - marriage is about love, and sticking through all the hard times - not about how much money everyone has!
I was COMPLETELY appalled that my mother was selfish enough to even consider divorcing someone about money. Even is she wasn't married, she would still be fine, she has a good paying job and is financially stable.
What is the world coming to????
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Seriously, isn't marriage about love, not money.
Sure, yeah, I mean, money probably was the only reason anyone ever married - like 75 years ago. Now everyone can choose who to marry without any limitations from family.
So why would mom kick someone out of the house, just because of money, and then divorce because of money.
Someone who does that is not happy with themsevles - marriage is about love, and sticking through all the hard times - not about how much money everyone has!
I was COMPLETELY appalled that my mother was selfish enough to even consider divorcing someone about money. Even is she wasn't married, she would still be fine, she has a good paying job and is financially stable.
What is the world coming to????
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's Just All One Big Lie
So, my mother showed her favortism toward my sister again today. She yelled at me for half an hour straight about just some nonsense about whatever the convo was about. I wasn't really paying attention anyway.
So, anyway, went for a 50 minute walk today, and then had a 40 minute jog/walk yesterday.
Everything is so out of whack. I wish someone would come and help me.
Okay, so that line was corny, but it's true.
Whenever I read other books, about troubled teens, there is always someone there to help them and pull them out of their mind, and see reality (in a sense).
I wish i had someone like that.
going shopping again, in a town where a whole bunch of other graduates go to school....will be guaranteed to be feel like such a FAT PIG!!!
Anyway...
Lovelovelove,
~Em
So, anyway, went for a 50 minute walk today, and then had a 40 minute jog/walk yesterday.
Everything is so out of whack. I wish someone would come and help me.
Okay, so that line was corny, but it's true.
Whenever I read other books, about troubled teens, there is always someone there to help them and pull them out of their mind, and see reality (in a sense).
I wish i had someone like that.
going shopping again, in a town where a whole bunch of other graduates go to school....will be guaranteed to be feel like such a FAT PIG!!!
Anyway...
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Monday, February 22, 2010
new to religion
I know that I haven't been good on writing on this blog, so sorry, and from now on i will try to write more.
I used to read this diary that some author wrote, pretending to be Anastasia, the last grand duchess from Russia (anastasia, the disney movie is based on that). Anyway, i was reading and before Easter she said she and her family would go into Lent. Basically, what i thought it was was that you don't eat animal products.
So anyway, i learned that it is based on religion, and that it started on Ash Wednesday. Anyway, i am a few days behind, but i think i'm gonna do it. I will abstain from eating any animal products what-so-ever, and that means butter, meat, and milk, which i will note now, i basically eat that evryday. That also includes chocolate, which is one of the best things ever!
So until Easter, I will not eat any meat, butter, or anything else from animal products.
Hopefully i will write more on the days to come.
Anyway, will hopefully talk later.
Lovelovelove,
~Em
I used to read this diary that some author wrote, pretending to be Anastasia, the last grand duchess from Russia (anastasia, the disney movie is based on that). Anyway, i was reading and before Easter she said she and her family would go into Lent. Basically, what i thought it was was that you don't eat animal products.
So anyway, i learned that it is based on religion, and that it started on Ash Wednesday. Anyway, i am a few days behind, but i think i'm gonna do it. I will abstain from eating any animal products what-so-ever, and that means butter, meat, and milk, which i will note now, i basically eat that evryday. That also includes chocolate, which is one of the best things ever!
So until Easter, I will not eat any meat, butter, or anything else from animal products.
Hopefully i will write more on the days to come.
Anyway, will hopefully talk later.
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Saturday, February 20, 2010
'It's Not Getting Better All The Time'
I feel like such a huge idiot.
Nothing is ging according to plan; i'm not losing weight as well as i hoped.
there is a 'no junk food for 30 days' in facebook, and i joined. Now i just hope that i can keep it. Except i had a non-alcoholic pina-colada today, so, for me, that does count. So i will start-well, today--but i don't really count it as the next day until i've woken in the morning (or afternoon...).
No sugar, no chocolate.
So, i went for a half an hour jog last night; i didn't go far down the trail, and it was getting dark fast, and i couldn't really see. I mostly jogged, but sometimes walked fast, as i haven't jogged in like 2 weeks, and even then, i was never really in good shape - not as well as i was 3 years ago, when taking gym was a mandatory thing, and the gym teacher was hard - which is good, but she was hard!
So, now I want to get back into shape, so everyday now on, i will try to get at least half an hour full jog - no walking.
I just hope will power is strong. And my mother keeps calling me fat (motivation!)
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Nothing is ging according to plan; i'm not losing weight as well as i hoped.
there is a 'no junk food for 30 days' in facebook, and i joined. Now i just hope that i can keep it. Except i had a non-alcoholic pina-colada today, so, for me, that does count. So i will start-well, today--but i don't really count it as the next day until i've woken in the morning (or afternoon...).
No sugar, no chocolate.
So, i went for a half an hour jog last night; i didn't go far down the trail, and it was getting dark fast, and i couldn't really see. I mostly jogged, but sometimes walked fast, as i haven't jogged in like 2 weeks, and even then, i was never really in good shape - not as well as i was 3 years ago, when taking gym was a mandatory thing, and the gym teacher was hard - which is good, but she was hard!
So, now I want to get back into shape, so everyday now on, i will try to get at least half an hour full jog - no walking.
I just hope will power is strong. And my mother keeps calling me fat (motivation!)
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Thursday, February 11, 2010
oh no...
oh no....
My diet plans are SO not going the wayI hoped. and now it's snowing outside so i can't go jogging.
Life sucks majorly...
Lovelovelove,
~Em
My diet plans are SO not going the wayI hoped. and now it's snowing outside so i can't go jogging.
Life sucks majorly...
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
more babble
I feel like no one i know knows how i feel about failing about everything, and being fat is just another failure. My mother tells me to eat some more, and that I'm not eating enough, but then she tells me hat i eat too much, or that i shouldn't have eaten the last chicken nugget, or the last package of rice.
I was looking at Crystal Light flavors, and found one that i actually wanted, Peach Green Tea, but then my sister saw me looking, and noted to me that there is aspartame. But who really cares, as long as the amount of calories in it is fine, and it doesn't contain sugar.
I am SO effing mad at myself right now, I mean i ate too much popcorn. I had like 2 cups of hot chocolate to keep myself from looking in the cupboards or the fridge for something to eat.
I keep meaning to get my fat a** out and go for a jog in the morning, but the warm bed is SO comfy. Then i decide how much i really want this, how far i will go to finally achieve self perfection, to finally be able to see myself as 'thin' in the mirror.
I hope everyone is doing SO much better than me, for i don't think i'm doing so well, calorie-wise. Yes, i do have hunger pangs right now, but it'll only last for so long, before i reach for those crackers in the cupboard.
Lovelovelove,
~Em
I was looking at Crystal Light flavors, and found one that i actually wanted, Peach Green Tea, but then my sister saw me looking, and noted to me that there is aspartame. But who really cares, as long as the amount of calories in it is fine, and it doesn't contain sugar.
I am SO effing mad at myself right now, I mean i ate too much popcorn. I had like 2 cups of hot chocolate to keep myself from looking in the cupboards or the fridge for something to eat.
I keep meaning to get my fat a** out and go for a jog in the morning, but the warm bed is SO comfy. Then i decide how much i really want this, how far i will go to finally achieve self perfection, to finally be able to see myself as 'thin' in the mirror.
I hope everyone is doing SO much better than me, for i don't think i'm doing so well, calorie-wise. Yes, i do have hunger pangs right now, but it'll only last for so long, before i reach for those crackers in the cupboard.
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
new
if you have been on my blog since the last timi i was on (right now) then you probably would have seen the new picture i put up at the top.
Anyway, i feel totally lost in my life. I have nothing to look forward to, except my jogs in the morning, which i hardly do anyways, but still there just for the 'me' time, which i never really do get, as every damn (sorry) second of the day all i can hear is about how much a disappointment i am to everyone. How i can never do anything right, and how i have nothing, noone but myself.
Life is a loss for me.
Everything is going down the drain. I binged big time on Saturday, making up for the calories i probably burned for hardly eating throughout the week.
I have made a 'food plan' and i AM sticking to it. If i don't, then i know there will never be any hope for me. Ever, and i will die fat, and alone, and be found three weeks later, with nothing in my apartment, except cats.
And to die a lonely cat woman is the worst thing IN THE WORLD!!!!!
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Anyway, i feel totally lost in my life. I have nothing to look forward to, except my jogs in the morning, which i hardly do anyways, but still there just for the 'me' time, which i never really do get, as every damn (sorry) second of the day all i can hear is about how much a disappointment i am to everyone. How i can never do anything right, and how i have nothing, noone but myself.
Life is a loss for me.
Everything is going down the drain. I binged big time on Saturday, making up for the calories i probably burned for hardly eating throughout the week.
I have made a 'food plan' and i AM sticking to it. If i don't, then i know there will never be any hope for me. Ever, and i will die fat, and alone, and be found three weeks later, with nothing in my apartment, except cats.
And to die a lonely cat woman is the worst thing IN THE WORLD!!!!!
Lovelovelove,
~Em
Friday, January 22, 2010
Weight
Hey everyone!!
So i have been away for a few weeks, i know, but hopefully i'm back, and will try to keep updating as soon as I can.
So last week I went to Vancouver to visit friends and family, and my aunt had a weigh scale in her bathroom, so for the first time in about 2 years, I weighed myself.
I am about 20 pounds lighter that I had originally thought.
I thought I was about 145, but it turns about I'm like, 125.
So i have only gained about 7 pounds in the last 3 years.
My ultimate goal is to weigh somewhere between 105-110.
It will take ALOt of will power to go jogging, and even when it's icy outside, but I know that when I start seeing results, it will be COMPLETELY be worth it.
Around Monday thru Wednesday, I was totally careless (stupid, i know) about what i ate. But i know have a calorie book (THANK GOD!!!), so now even when i go to a restaurant i can look up the calories in the food.
Hopefully that will put me back on track.
I watched a program on Youtube about a newsreporter that tryed to get super slim, and she lost like pounds in the first week. Anyway, maybe i can take a few tips for her.!!!!
Anyway, hope that everyone is doing better than me.
Stay thin and strong pretties!!!
Lovelovelove,
~Em
P.S-
So over the next few months, to track my progress, and SEE the results, i will track EVERYTHING in every (or nearly every) post that i put up. ( i just hope i put the measurements up right). Oh gosh, everything will seem HUGE in the beginning!!!
Current:
Weight: 126
Waist: 31 in
Hips: 35 in
Bust: 35.5? in
So i have been away for a few weeks, i know, but hopefully i'm back, and will try to keep updating as soon as I can.
So last week I went to Vancouver to visit friends and family, and my aunt had a weigh scale in her bathroom, so for the first time in about 2 years, I weighed myself.
I am about 20 pounds lighter that I had originally thought.
I thought I was about 145, but it turns about I'm like, 125.
So i have only gained about 7 pounds in the last 3 years.
My ultimate goal is to weigh somewhere between 105-110.
It will take ALOt of will power to go jogging, and even when it's icy outside, but I know that when I start seeing results, it will be COMPLETELY be worth it.
Around Monday thru Wednesday, I was totally careless (stupid, i know) about what i ate. But i know have a calorie book (THANK GOD!!!), so now even when i go to a restaurant i can look up the calories in the food.
Hopefully that will put me back on track.
I watched a program on Youtube about a newsreporter that tryed to get super slim, and she lost like pounds in the first week. Anyway, maybe i can take a few tips for her.!!!!
Anyway, hope that everyone is doing better than me.
Stay thin and strong pretties!!!
Lovelovelove,
~Em
P.S-
So over the next few months, to track my progress, and SEE the results, i will track EVERYTHING in every (or nearly every) post that i put up. ( i just hope i put the measurements up right). Oh gosh, everything will seem HUGE in the beginning!!!
Current:
Weight: 126
Waist: 31 in
Hips: 35 in
Bust: 35.5? in
Thursday, January 7, 2010
And She's Back!!!!
Hey all you Ana's out there!!
I'm back from that small break, and am TOTALLY ready to get my a** into gear.
So, tonight at 5:15, i went jogging for about 15 minutes. (it''s like 10 below out, with a little wind chill....BBBRRRRRRRr)
Considering that I am TOTALLY out of shape, it's a start to a wonderful beginning.
Only had 2 hot chocolates today, and 1 cup of teriyaki rice. (about 200+160= 360!!!!)
Today has been a good day so far..
Hope all is well with everyone!!!!
Stay strong and thin pretties!!!
Lovelovelove,
~Em
I'm back from that small break, and am TOTALLY ready to get my a** into gear.
So, tonight at 5:15, i went jogging for about 15 minutes. (it''s like 10 below out, with a little wind chill....BBBRRRRRRRr)
Considering that I am TOTALLY out of shape, it's a start to a wonderful beginning.
Only had 2 hot chocolates today, and 1 cup of teriyaki rice. (about 200+160= 360!!!!)
Today has been a good day so far..
Hope all is well with everyone!!!!
Stay strong and thin pretties!!!
Lovelovelove,
~Em
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