Gorge

"Don't gorge on this whippping cream; it's like 6 bucks."
I secretly died in my mind when my mother said that. I do not gorge myself on whipping cream!! (okay, so I may have done it in the past, but I'm better now. I don't need it, and there is absolutely NO need to put it on my coffee in the morning. NO NEED TO.)
Being worried that someone may come into my room and see the 'thinspiration quotes' I have written to post up on the wall for inspiration, so I have translated some of them into French. Now when we look up at my wall, only I will know what the words mean: Goûts rien aussi bien que mince se sent (Nothing tastes as good as thin feels), and Ne jamais abandonner (Never give up). Now i just hope the translations are right.

Going for a jog tonight even though it is 10 below, and getting colder these days. Snow has fallen on the ground; the world looks so beautiful when its a marshmallow.
I love hot chocolate, but having a cup of it these days seems like im being selfish; I can just picture my mother seeing me pouring myself a cup, and then shaking her head. Even though that has never happened, I won't let her do it. I will keep to myself, keep my hands at my sides, and never, ever indulge in sweets, and meat, or dairy, and bread. Eating white food now seems like so much work.

By Christmas, I hope to be thinner. And disappearing....

A few days ago I was bored, searched a gossip site, and found that Kelly Osbourne will be gracing the cover of Self magazine. It reported that she is now 112 pounds.
IM FATTER THAN KELLY OSBOURNE!!! She's normally been heavier than me, but last year after DWTS she has become healthier; I almost burst completely out into tears, when I saw that number on the computer screen; my chest seized up and I couldn't breathe for a few moments.
I am a failure, and there is nothing that I can do that will impress myself; I am a loser, and no one ever would want to love a failure. Besides I don't deserve love anyway.

Become thinnner and thinner, pretties. Hope you are all well.
xoxo


LATER: (after I posted this, I thought i should add this, as I realized my idea had changed a little)
Okay, so I wrote earlier, my mother was saying to me about how I shouldn't eat all the whipping cream...so later in the day, I realized that I am now actually starting to feel guilty about eating something that someone else didn't - apparently -have enough of. Im am now starting to feel guilty about eating something... the comments about 'did you finish the hot chocolate, did you finish that chicken?" the hate was always there, it just took a while for me to see it, and now that i do, it's a clear black-and-white picture to me.