the world seems to be unraveling - what was once a system of schedules now seems to be uncertain ground. I used to happy with the way that I knew what would happen. I prized the rules and systems and knowing what would happen next, but now im not so sure. everything seems to be coming undone. Nothing is for certain anymore.
I am the kind of girl......have you ever seen the beginning of 'new york minute' where ashley has this planner full of schedules, and has everything planned down to the last little detail. Everything was labeled and she knew what would happen from day to day. Her future was set.
Thats what i like, having everything perfect, knowing every detail and knowing what was to happen from day to day.
And now everything seems to be unraveling, and I seem to be...going crazy. Im starting to panic; I feel strange, like...i don't know...like i'm starting to enjoy night more than day time, like im changing, becoming more into depression than into happiness. I was usually considered depressed, i guess, but I never considred my self depressed. I usually can get through a day by myself without feeling a tiny bit of loneliness, while others feel lonely. Is that considered depressed?
My mother seemed to think I was depressed during high school, but i never really considered mself depressed. She pushed me to visit therapists for no reason at all. she seemed to think there was something wrong with me, that just because I didn't get as good grades as my sister, that there was something wrong with me. There was never anything wrong with me.
Maybe thats why I hate her so; because she seemed to think that there was something wrong with me. maybe i'm starting to think that about myself too. Maybe some part of me is starting to think that im...i dont know, weird. And fat. Maybe thats why she put me into the therapists room...because i was a little big. still. i was no bigger than the next person.
What does she really think of me?
Everything seems totally different now. whatever
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