I wanna go back home to my apartment in the city SO bad. I hate it here, i feel like everyone just wants me to leave, to not be here. My sister hasn't really spent any time with me, but why would she? And thats okay. My mom just got mad at me for something she started in the first place; i don't know what her problem is. I don't know why we're spending more time at her house, and not at my dads. My dad is the one who calls almost every week, i haven't even gotten a call form my mom in over a month. Just a few random texts ever so often. I feel like she thinks i remind her too much of my dad, and maybe she doesn't like me for it. I have absolutely no idea why i think that, but i do. And its my sister that looks like dad more than i do. I guess it could be because i was the first mistake in her life, one that she couldn't take back, one that would keep her in one place for the rest of those 18 years. But she could've left if it was so bad, so i don't know why she makes it seem like she doesn't really want me.

Oh gosh, I'm rambling alot.

Ive probably eaten a lot more than i should be. Like i said in the last post, I've gained like 3 pounds, and all i can think about is how many calories will be in my next mouthful. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I didn't really feel so good last night, and didn't get to sleep till like 3 am. Its so cold in my room, i miss my city apartment room. I wanna go back so bad so i can get out to find a desk. Im of no use here. i feel like no one has ever, or will ever want me. But thats not new at all.

Merry Christmas!

my christmas has sucked so far. I'm at my moms house, and stuck here with nothing to do. My sister has been out all day with friends, but since i don't really have any, I've been stuck here for the past two days.

Since me or my sister won't be with my dad for christmas, we opened our presents on the 19th; i got some keurig stuff, a gift card, an owl, some other stuff; except for the keurig stuff, my sister got basically the same, except she also got a kobo, this reader thing. I looked it up, and saw that it was 130.

Okay, i know, i shouldn't feel like this, but i suppose i should've half expected it, that my sister would always get the better side of things. She always does. But when it happens, its always still a shock. I know i shouldn't be saying this, its the thought that counts for these gifts, but knowing that my parents will always be spending more time, and money on my sister, it makes me sad. makes me sad, wondering if ill ever find anything really worth living for.

No, i will never commit suicide, there is still too much beauty in the world that i have yet to discover, but i wonder if ill find anything that will last, not something that will last for 6 seconds and be gone, but the kind of thing that lasts for years. That kind of thing.

To sum it up, my christmas so far has SUCKED.

oh yeah, and did i mention....i gained 3 pounds.

hope everyone else's christmas has been better :)

I have never hated Starbucks more

I have never hated Starbucks more than i do right now, but only because they put whipping cream on my coffee, when i did say not to. I tried a little bit, and it tasted like actual whipped cream, you know, the kind that you buy in cream form, and have to whip it yourself, not the already-whipped kind in the canisters. It tasted okay, but i knew i would kill myself for it. I practically ran to the bathroom to try and get the whipped cream out of my coffee before it melted with the coffee, but i only got like half of it out, so now i guess i may just have to drink it, and run an extra bit. There was someone in the bathroom, so i couldn't throw it all away. At least i did get most of it out of the coffee. but still...

is it normal

is it normal to think that whenever people are whispering they are talking mean things about me??? does anybody else think that when someone around them whispers??

its funny how it works

I've started to like seeing bones, especially the clavicle bones (the ones near the shoulders). it is weird that i like seeing the bones? i like feeling a empty stomach, it makes me feel worth more. It makes me feel skinnier. I hope I'm not the only one like that. But its true. i like the bones.

Most would consider me crazy, but some can also understand - both feeling and seeing those bones makes me feel like I've done something right, like I'm succeeding in at least one thing in my life.

Ive noticed that lately I've had to goone more notch closer to the end on my belt, like I'm thinner. It makes me smile every time i do it, put my belt on, it makes me smile seeing that I've achieved being better in at least one thing in my day.

hello again

so today i woke up at about 6:30, a time when not even the sun is up yet - and i woke up at this time because the store about 10 blocks from where i live was having a 50% sale. So, my day started out okay. But since I'm living with no closet, thanks to my roommate, i now have no room for my new clothes:(

I want to move, but the people renting to us think that we want to stay for a year, that's what we signed anyways, but iwant SO badly to move. To move away from where i am now. If you've read any of my previous entries, you'll know how i feel about my living situation, and i want so desperately to get out of here. Ive almost started to become a hermit when she's - the roommate - is here, because I'm scared she'll attack me with some comment about something that she was not happy about. I'm scared living here, and i don't like it. Has anybody has this problem - about the lease thing (not the roommate thing)?? how did u get out of it? help!

anyways, for those of you who have been reading this, if there are any of you out there, then you'll remember when i wrote that my roommate had written me a letter about the living stuff. Well, here is a little snippet. And that doesnot include the comment on the toilet - 'flush toilet and clan after yourself' - and yes, i did spell 'clean' wrong, because that is how it was written by my roommate.

well anyways, i have a new computer, so here is a little snippet of the letter.

anyways, I'm just praying that i can get out of this apartment. Even though i love it so much, with its internet, cable, and heated floor, I don't think i can be like this for a year (actually now its more like 10 months, but that still is a long time)

love

~em

Appaled

I am appalled at how messy and inconsiderate my roommate is. She won't clean the kitchen, nor will she take out the garbage.

But i don't want to dampen my day anymore, so ill write some good news down.

Ive lost about 6 pounds, to now be at 124-123 pounds! Bad news is that it took a couple of months. I should be losing it faster, i know.

Anyways, got she test results back from school, and it seems I'm currently only really good at the business class. I usually always add up my test marks, just in case, and, haha, i found that the teacher had put 67, when it was really 77. Thats a B+!! that kind of make my day, and i was happy for a while, until i found that i sucked at all the other classes. So i have made it my priority to study and ace a retail buying test i have this friday. I really nervous. I should know this stuff, this math, but for some reason, it doesn't stick. I don't think the teacher likes me either. I hate when you get the feeling that the teacher doesn't like you; its like you feel like they are just rooting for you to fail. And that certainly does not make the class any better than it already is. :(

Ive made my flight plans, and so I'm going further north to visit family this Christmas. Im really looking forward to seeing the snow. Lots of it. Like up to your mid-thigh length, or even more. Im really excited to see it again, as i don't think we really get any where i live now, though we did have a little snowfall the other day, but never like the snowfall the happens up north where i used to live where about mid-November we'd get a huge dump, like a full day-and-a-half of snow, and that snow would stay. Before that, we'd get little snowfalls, but nothing that would still be there by lunch time the next day.

Anyways...yeah.

Ive tried to clean up the apartment a bit, since my roommate clearly hasn't even tried. Theres still stains on the counter from two days ago!!

All that I'm looking forward to is this weekend, when she's out of town. Then i have the place all to myself. Ive planned a dinner on Friday. Either pizza or sushi. Probably sushi, as pizza is like...zits and calories. yuck. Plus I've recently found a good sushi place nearby, where i can order online, and on the way home - i take the bus and sky train - i can pick it up. yumyum

I give you....the most whiniest roommate

OMG!!!

this was left by my roommate a few days ago, and i was, and still am, completed horrified and appalled that she thinks she can treat me like that!

I am a clean, and neat person, and she's the messy one. HERES THE PROOF!!

this is her mess:

ps: those dishes have been sitting there for at least 2 days now. EEWWWWWWWW!!!!!

THIS IS MY NEATNESS:

I swear if she isn't gone by the end of the year, ill move myself. I can't live with her anymore; every time i leave a room, i always have to look over my shoulder to see if everything is par to her standards. Im sick of having to follow her rules. IM SICK OF IT!!!

anyways, had very little today, lots of water, but my foot hurts SO bad from walking, which is weird since i didn't really walk as far as i normally do on other days.

I recently heard my roommate talking about me.

Okay, lets be honest, we all snoop at time to time out of curiosity. Nothing wrong with that.

I heard my roommate saying that she was thinking of taking a piece of halloween candy - chocolate obv. - and dropping it in the toilet.

This took a minute to register in my mind as to why the hell someone would do that.

Then i thought, well I most certainly canNOT control how the toilet, nor how my body works. And i know that i flush every time. EVERYTIME!!

at least ill know if she does do that

Besides that, we don't really speak. About a month back, i said 'hey' to her when she was coming home, but she didn't say anything back, so since then I haven't really spoken to her. and she hasn't really spoken to me. I am seriously considering moving to another place. I know that i signed a contract and all, but if my roommate thinks that she can screw with me that way, and that she can get away with it, then she has another thing coming.

Besides, she's the one who doesn't clean up her dishes after she's done with them. I mean, i understand of she doesn't clean, dry, and out away all of them the second she's done with them, especially in the morning before school, but the least she can do is put them to the side so i can have a little room to make my own breakfast, or cook. Seriously. She has like two to four pots and pans on the stove still there from yesterday, and theres no room for anything in the freezer; she's taken it all. I was at the store a few days ago and was about to get frozen yogurt when I remembered that if i did get it, there would be absolutely no room for it in the freezer whatsoever. I was so looking forward to having frozen yogurt.

October 23, 2011

Okay, so maybe that one bit in the last post was a little harsh, but just a little. Im still angry at my roommate for being such an 'ig-nor-a-mus' and not saying it to my face. She must be, like, weak or something.

Anyways, yesterday, at around 4, my mother came to visit. I've been living on my own and going to school for about a month and a half now. She stayed the night, and we went to get a few things from Walmart for my room, and went out for dinner. We went back to Walmart this morning and went to look for a desk, but didn't really find one that was any good. We did find a night stand, and i came back to make it. She then left.

Ive always told myself that I've never really been lonely, but now that i know what kind of a person my roommate is, I guess i am getting a little lonely.

Ive been feeling like I'm walking in eggshells the past few days, since the roommate left me that distasteful letter. Well, I've recently found out that i am the kind of person that can never really forgive easily, and can't really trust that person again. I hold a grudge and i never let go from that. If someone burns me - of course, ill say I'm okay with it - but i never, ever let go. When someone goes behind my back like I've had done in the past, from that moment on, they never continue to be my friends, if they even were in the first place.

And i do stay angry for a long time.

So yeah call me crazy, but i don't regret writing what i did in the last post. I won't delete what i wrote, thats not real, everyone gets angry now and then, no point on denying it. I just choose to take it out on a blog, which, now writing it, seems stupid. A much better thing to do would be to take it out n a punching bag, but as i do not have one of those...or better yet, on myself. Like running longer than usual, or not eating for a day. Little things, but things that make an impact.

lovelovelove

~em

wow, I've just been to my profile, and realized that it has been two years since i started this blog.

Thats a long time. That would have been the first fall after graduation.

thats a long time ago, and thankfully all the troubles that i had then are behind me for good! well, maybe some of them.

Isn't it weird that whenever something good happens, it always seems as if something bad happens that brings you back to where you started, where you hated yourself again?

well, this past few days have been okay, I've been going to school, i went shopping and got new clothes, and on sale no less.

But last night, when i came home, i found this on the bathroom counter. it was a note from my roommate saying some...things that can't be true, since a lot of them, I've been doing right. For instance, she states that she seems to be taking out the trash, when she hardly ever uses it. WEll, she's been gone the last two weekends, coming home way late on sunday night, so to think that she would even be able to take the trash out at 11 at night....absurd. No, I am the one who is taking the trash out on sunday night, making sure that I've checked the kitchen for trash, and the bathroom bin. I can't believe she had the nerve to write that. The idea that maybe she's talking about some other trash, like what she keeps somewhere else, came to mind, but i do take everything out. I DO!

She also wrote a whole half a page paragraph about how she's taken food safe, and how she's finding some of the dishes still sticky, with huge smudges on them, and 'splots' on the cups.

Firstly, splots isn't even a word, secondly, you should really see this girls vocal. It sucks! Thirdly, i don't really care if she's taken food safe, i have as well; i know how hot the water needs to be, i know how to clean dishes, I've been doing it for the past three years. She also gets as into tiny details like writing how the washcloth should not be balled up, as bacteria can get in.....well, I'm not stupid, i know what happens. I don't ball it up every time i use it; ill admit that maybe I've done it a few times, but most of the time, i wring it out, and put it over between the two sinks.

Now I'm starting to seriously regret getting a place with a roommate, i didn;t think it would be so hard. no wait, not hard, but now its like everything i do is to impress her, and for what? just so she can believe she's better than me???

now this will be rude, so don't read if you don't want to:

but, she's the one on student loan, she's the one who eats things like tortilla chips, and meat, and drinks coke like theres no tomorrow. Im the one who drinks water, oj, and maybe choc. milk every once in a while; I'm the one who has ALL of her school expenses paid, I'm the one who is doing well at my classes, and I am the one who isn't watching tv all the time. Im not the one who leaves her things in the dryer, and when i say things i mean underwear. seriously, when i want to dry my clothes that i have just washed, i want to be able to put them in the dryer without too much of a hassle.

Anyways

yeah

lovelovelove

~em

it has surely been a while since i last blogged.

im not sure if i mentioned this, but i moved to the city.

it feels good to get on with my life, to not have to go with what other people do; i can have whatever i want for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and can eat whatever i want, without people bugging me; i can come and go whenever and wherever i want.

its good.

my mother is coming down to visit this weekend.

she's been texting me, and i think she wants to meet up.

the only thing is i absolutely DO NOT want to meet mary.

Im not sure if i mentioned this before in a previous post, but mary was my grandmother, before i denounced her of that title. Now she is not my grandmother, but just mary.

i hope i don't meet her. i hate her to the very core. Im not sure if i wrote down what happened between us back almost a year ago, but thank god i got out of there, even though at the time i didn't want to leave.

But, there is no way she will never be my grandmother again, not after what she accused me of.

Anyways, school is busy, i have a few tests, like midterms, next week.

my school is wednes to fri, one 3 1/2 hr class on wednes, two on thurs, and fri as well.

lovelovelove

~em

hello again

I cant believe how long it has been since i last posted, time seems to go by so fast!
Ive moved to the city, and am now living on my own, which is...weird. When u with ur parents, you dont realize how many little things can be very important when living on your own - such as having bowls, and sugar and cream for coffee, and then looking at things like expiration dates, and thinking about how much u eat, and taking that into account when u buy something.
Today, i went out and bought a weigh scale - the first one ive had in about maybe 3-4 years. We used to have one when i lived with my parents, but something happened to the thing where u put the battery, so we just didn't get a new one. Ive had the chance to catch a peek when I find one in peoples bathrooms - such as my mothers friends house, or even my aunts house - but i have been looking for one for awhile, guess never quite knowing where to look in stores accouted to that, but i went into the store today, and finally found one, for $20. Its not electronic, but i didnt need anything fancy. I also happened to get a dark pink little notebook - mostly for a planner, since i couldn't find one that goes from Sept - most go from the start of the year, Jan - so i just got a notebook, where I could just write the dates in it, its probably easier than searching everywhere for one that starts from Sept.
Living in the city, ive gone shopping a bit, but ive stopped looking for specific things - i specifically went out to get running shoes today, and found some - ive been feeling antsy about getting out for a jog, thinking about asking my mother to send me my old running shoes, but ill admit it, ive had those shoes for like 3 years; it was time for new ones, most definitely. Anyways, its like 1:15 am, and so much to do tomorrow.

Love, love, love
~Em

September 2, 2011

It's really the 3rd of sept, 12:24 Am, but i dont really count that until ive woken up...anyways...
School starting for me in a month, and the one thing that scares the hell out of me the most is my weight. See, im taking a fashion merchandising course at a college, and the fact that other students will be there, who share the same passion as me....one thing that scares me is that there will be skinnier people than me in that classroom, people who have a better advantage because of being skinnier, they can wear much better clothes than i can.
Thats what scares me the most, among other things. There is also the fact that I have to find a place to live, hoping that the roomate thing goes well, and such. I just pray that i can last a full year of school, since I kind of wasnt the best student...not that i wasnt the best student, but i wasn't exactly a 'A' student, so im just hoping that i can have enough self determination to get myself through a full year of school, and finish with flying colours. And this is a full year of school, not at all like uni where every summer you get a break, but all year long, not really any breaks, except the obvious ones, such as christmas, and holidays (labour day, thanksgiving, etc).
and yes, i celebrate the canada thanksgiving, and yes, i am on Robin's side from HIMYM about Canadian Thanksgiving being...what was it....The real thanksgiving? i have absolutely no idea why the canadian and american thankgivings are like, one month apart.
anyways...yeah...not much else i guess...

it has sincerely been forever since i have posted, been completely busy with moving, and soon to be starting school. busy doesn't even describe it; my mother is moving a few blocks away from our old house, my father is moving six hours away to a small town, sis is moving four hours tp college, and i am moving 18 hours away to school, to a city where i myself have to find an apartment. ugh.....so much to do.
over the last five months, ive noticed a slightly small difference in my body size, its become smaller, but still, if i had pictures, i don't think thered be much of a difference visible.
computer is hacked or whatever this thing is that keeps popping up, so may have to post later.
:)

ugh

hello again
anyways
does anybody else who weighs 125 or more, get like this greasy feeling, like your body is greasy and you just can't wait to get out of your top and bra, and put on just a simple tank top?
Well, I feel like that sometimes; i get this feeling like im all greasy. I don't know what it is.
Anyways, i think i have survived a few days without meat. Nest stop: no dairy. So ive been reading the skinny bitch book, and some of the things in there....eewww! for those who have read it, and have read the meat section, then youll know what im talking about, but for those of you who didn't, please don't!! it talks about how animals are treated in the factory, and it is seriously SICK!! it has even put me off from even touching meat!!!

anyways, hope everyone is doing well. its late so ill go now
til later

lovelovelove
~Em

'Low Self Esteem Leads To 'Hefty Hannah''

For those of us who recognize that nickname, right on!! (for those of you who are clueless, it was a nickname Hannah had on Pretty Little Liars before she was thin)
Anyways, so i just spent the last half hour crying over the fact that my life is now officially falling apart. Im on the waitlist...waitlisted in college! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!! I guess its fine a little though, since i still not quite sure exactly what to do; i was thinking of going into English, but hats as far as I go in my mind, for a career path. i have absolutely no clue what i want to do 5 years from now, no clue whatsoever! I know i want to continue in something like fashion or something, but besides that, im not absolutely sure.
So i cancelled my residency thing, so now, in the fall.......
All i can think about right now is the disappointment ill see in my fathers eyes when i tell him what ive decided to do.
oops, someones outside, and its late, write later

lovelove
~Em

when you don't eat, or stop eating, ironically, when your bored or just sitting food is all i tend to think about. When im working, when im on the computer, or when im walking the dog. I think about what i could eat next, how many calories it contains, and how long i would have to jog to get rid of it. Its a constant battle to stop myself thinking about food, and concentrate on other things.
i just wish things were easier, and straight forward.
Doesn't it just seem that back when we were a child, everything was so simple? You knew what you wanted to be when you grew up - a ballerina, firefighter, lawyer - whatever it was, you knew right away whenever a parent asked you. I don't even know what I want to do - its so confusing!

I think im starting to go into a rebel phase. well not really, but im starting to think about completely changing my hair, changing it from the plain layered hair. if you have seen ami walsh on Supersize vs superskinny season 4 episode 2, thats about what i think i want.

I never really had a rebel stage when i was growing up in high school, and to me, i think that the phase comes at some point in a teenagers life. Im starting to see my parents as people who i can't believe anymore, people who are the complete opposite i thought when i was younger, now their completely flawed.

When i say 'the complete opposite i thought when i was young', i mean that, when you were 5 years old, parents seemed like so nice, etc., but as you grow up you start to see that they are seriously flawed, and that they aren't as perfect as you thought they were when you were 5 years old.

Anyways, so yeah, i think im just going through a rebel phase..who knows, maybe i am, maybe not.

Last night I talked to my dad, and talking about taking courses at school, and he started pointing out things, saying how my sister has made everything work for her, how she does things, blah, blah, blah, and he kept asking questions, and i started to feel frustrated and completely mad at myself, and felt that I didn't want to eat at all for the rest of the night. So now I know that when i feel frustrated and angry, i tend to not to want to eat.

anyways, things aren't as good as i would like but sumer is here, hot weather, and stuff, so that is pushing me harder. yeah....

hope everyone is doing well.

Lovelovelove

~Em

Day 3

Last night, i went for another run - 35 minutes- and then a cold shower. Then i went for a 5 min bike ride, and when i came home, i may have gone a little overboard - first, my mother brought home the rest of this cherry cake thing, and i had a little piece, as well as a few chips, noodles, and a pear. Whoa - when i write it all down it is alot!!
(next part is a little gross, so you don't have to read it)
But, after I came home from my bike ride, my head started to hurt, like 8.5/10 on a scale. I couldn't remember the last time my head was that sore, besides the one time, like 5 years ago, where I got REALLY sick, couldn't keep anything down, nor could i stand without getting dizzy, and was really sensitive to sunlight in my eyes. Anyways, my head was SO sore. I tried to get to sleep, but couldn't. I took a extra-strength tylenol, tried to get to sleep, but then 15 minutes later.... the back of my teeth started to feel weird, that weird feeling they get when I feel like im gonna....anyways, I guess my stomach didnt like something that i ate, so the dessert, noodles, the chips, and pear...well, i knid of threw them all up. I felt bad, really bad that the food was wasted, and also outstandingly good that now i didn't have to worry so much about it, since it never really entered my system, and became more body fat. When I went to dump it, I was completely taken aback by how much food was in the bin - like 1 1/2 to 2 cups at least of food. WOW! i ate that food in less than half an hour! that much food!!!!
Anyways, so i had some soup - italian wedding - today, and a soup roll, because my head still hurt a little when i went to work. I thought that if i had something to eat, it may help it, but maybe i was wrong, and was just praying for an excuse to eat something. im not sure why i got sick. :( Anyway, at least im getting really into the habit of writing EVERYTHING down, from what i eat, to what i exercise and how long. Nothing goes unnaccounted for.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Love
~em

Watch Me Shrink

I have created a new blog, that you can find on profile page, that is just about me getting thin, just about what i eat, exercise, and just that kind of stuff, whereas this blog you are reading now, is more of a general blog, where I write about everything. If you want to read about just my diet, exercise - stuff like that then check out watch me shrink. You can join me if you want; i will be posting, hopefully everyday, on getting to 110 by July 19, my birthday.
I hope everyone is doing well otherwise, and getting thin and ready for summer!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

P.S. watch me shrink URL: bdaywatchmeshrink.blogspot.com
=)

cheese is less then plain??

A few days ago, I happened to be at a restaurant - like a fast food restaurant, but thankfully nothing from there is fried - and when i looked at the nutrition booklet, i happened to see that cheese bagels were less than plain bagels. What?!? You'd think that cheese would be more than plain, since all that fat in the cheese, but apparently not.
Anyways, so I conquered my fear of jogging during daytime today, and I went for a jog!!
It took me about 35 minutes to go down this trail, but soon i hope it'll take me less than that, with time. After I jumped into the shower, under cold water - well, it wasn't ice cold, like colder than room temperature, but COLD!! Anyways, when I jumped in, I gasped! Damn, it was cold, and i stood there for a few minutes, and it felt good.
Anyway, I am hoping to get out more to go jogging. I really want to wear a nice summer dress by the time my b-day comes around.
Hope everyone is doing well, thin for summer.

Lovelovelove,
~Em

ignore if you hate ranting

its 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep; i keep thinking about how much of a failure i am.
My sisters prom was this past weekend; she wore a pink champagne strapless dress, with black heels. I felt horrible about how my dress was picked by my mother, but my sister got to wear what she wanted.
I would've given anything in the world to be able to wear heels, but my mother wouldn't let me; she came up with the excuse that she wasn't going to pay more than 100.
I just wish i had broken away ffrom her, and become my own person; i am now starting to truly relize how much my mother rules my life. though it may not seem like it at all, she really does control a lot. she keeps telling me that i should come up with a plan about what im doing in the fall, but Im not sure if i should; she'll just keep convincing me that i shouldn't do this, or i should do that. I scared that when I tell her my final decision, she'll make me doubt everything about it.

It's official. The house is for sale :(
For the past few years, and most of them the ones i was in high school, I have lived in this house for so long.
Don't you just hate that feeling that when you have to say goodbye to something - a house, for example - you can't actualy believe that you've become so attached to something you never thought you would? Anyway, so the house is for sale, and I have no absolute clue where Im going if it ever sells. My father is moving to a very small town this summer; i feel so...lost. After this, where will my real home be?? Sure, i'll be in college, but is that seriously to be considered a real home? I mean a place that has always been there, since forever! A place that you can always count on being there no matter what goes on in your life, no matter what happens, it's always there, but now ill have no place.
Maybe one day, ill get out, and find a place thats all my own. Have you ever seen Elizabethtown, that scene where Kirsten Dunst shows Orlando Bloom the sunrise, that one scene after that LONG phone conversation? That kind of place, a place where nothing can touch you, a place thats yours, and no one can bother or touch you there, a place that, for infinity, will always be the absolute same.
After all this time, earlier today I realized that so much has changed in 2 years, and yet it hasnt. I learned what a b*t*h my grandmother is, how much my mother changes my mind in one second, and then walks away without so much as a hint of a word, or how about the fact that I have finally found out what I want to do with the rest of my life?
It just feels weird, having everything change so fast; I wish everything would just happen overtime, like in slow motion. Ugh
I got a new phone, after about 2 1/2 months of not having one. It feels weird, to feel the need to check everything every couple of minutes, as if continuously checking if there is a text or what not. Blackberry 9780, bold, something like that. And it was really by chance that I got it, as the contract wasn't that much, and considering that this phone is retail no-contract 500$ price, its pretty good. Ive been thinking of setting up a twitter for this blogger account, to put more about my food intake, exercise, and all around thispiration, and such.
If anyone else on blogger, and is proana, have twitter, give a shout in the comment section below, we can all use a little support now and then. I hope everyone is doing there best to be skinny for summer.

While working today, I thought a horrible thought; what is I was fat, fat, FAT, when I enter the new era of my life; my 20's. What if im fat for the r.....lets not, NOT think about that AT ALL. Then I thought anther thought: that there is no way in hell, EVER, that i will or want to grow old; old people are just....ugh, mean, and sloppy, and....i can't even think f growing old, watching myself become weak, and wrinkly. I can't think about it. gross.
anyways I better go, until i come back and write some more.
Hope everyone is doing good and all that.

loveloveove
~Em

because we all need a little inspiration......

these are not my photos, taken from other sites, such as:

-clavicle camp (claviclecamp.tumblr.com)

-self starvation (self-starvation.tumblr.com)

P.S. - tumblr sites are really great for finding some quick thinspo pics!

Bad

I know ive probably written about going down to Vancouver, and then coming back here a month later. Well, Im not sure if I said that Im happy i left Vancouver. It gave me time to see how horrible a grandmother I have, except that I call her Mary now, because grandmother is too much of a title for someone so horrid. She gossips like you wouldn't believe, and if you have a snack without her knowing, she gets all in your face, spreads the news, and acts all mean, like 'didn't she see it was almost dinner time?'. How the f**k was i supposed to know when dinner time was, since you have dinner whenever your hungry?! Anyway, in the fall, im going to school in Vancouver, and since I found out that i get to go there, Ive been trying to come up with a few excuses to not see her, such as 'you never called, or emailed or anything to see if I was okay, and since, judging by the way you kicked me out of your apartment, and the fact that, you haven't even bothered to write or anything, I am going to return the gesture, and not talk or even bother to try to say hi, or ask how your doing, even if I see you in the street.'
I hope that's good enough.
You see, I just really hate her. Im not sure if i wrote about how she kicked me out, which, even for a human being, is SO low. she accused me of having anger issues, and stuff. Okay, for the record, I may have been a spoiled, and angry child when I was like, 7, but Im 19 now; I know that if something happens that I don't like, or life doesn't go the way exactly as planned, Im not ever going to get angry about it, and Ive learned, just like every other human being on the planet, to go with the flow, and accept it as it is. So, how, in the puny, little, deceiving, and horrible head of hers, did she think i have an anger problem?
I've also found that she only wanted me out of her apartment, and figured that was the way to do it; so I have now cast her out of my life, I will never call her grandma EVER AGAIN, only by her first name, and if she ever tries to visit me while Im hard at work trying to ace my grades, I will only shove the door in her face, and tell her to try a little harder to stay a nice grandmother in the next lifetime she has, if she ever has one.

sorry, if that seemed like a total rant, but i have been meaning to get that off my chest for a while.

since sunday, ive been really good about exercising in the morning, before i eat or go to work, and today I added a few more exercises, and I think Im doing pretty well - foe a beginner anyway. 40 situps, 30 pushups, 20 crunches, 25 lunges, 15 wall sits, and 25 ea. leg lifts.
I feel good. Almost went to buy a donut (stupid, and pathetic, i know, but I did), but i stopped myself, looked at the bigger picture, and instead stayed home, and did my exercises.

hope everyone is getting thinner in time for summer! stay strong lovelies*! (said: *love-lees, not love-lies)

lovelovelove
~Em

125 lbs.

Its been a while since I posted last, and truth is, that Ive been so busy. I don't know if I mentioned that I got a job last month, so I'm working 5 days a week, 32 hours/week. It's a fast food restaurant, but not fried food from McDonalds, it's fresh sandwiches, and coffee, but is also has things like donuts. I feel good about having the job, I get a little extra money in my pocket, and I'm standing all day, so at least I'm burning more than if I didn't have a job.
I weighed myself two days ago, at my mothers friends house. I rarely do get to weigh myself since I don't own my own scale, and so I only get to weigh myself when I can find a weighscale. So I weighed myself, and turns out I am 125 lbs. Which is okay, I guess, But not great, and not what I want.
I looked at a old picture today, one that was taken a year and a half ago, and the moment I saw it, i was completely embarrassed that that was me; in the picture my hair looked completely dull, my face was fat, and what i was wearing......one word: YUCK!!
And I still even wear that same jacket that looks ugly, and is like 4 years old. So I threw it out, with the tiniest bit of remorse, but also with pride. Pride that, knowing I will now most certainly have to get a new jacket.
Anyways, I ll be going, I just wanted to do a quick update post, so that noone will think i've given up (I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE NOT GIVEN UP), or that i died, which, i haven't.
This is goodbye, until next time I write.

Stay strong and thin my friends!

Love, love, love
~Em

It has been a while since i have written. I haven't been writing, i guess, since there is nothing good to write about -yet! I've gotten myself a job, which will help for when i lose weight, and will probably need new clothes, which I am totally excited about! Most of the clothes currently in my closet are a little baggy on me, as they are a size bigger than I currently am, just because I want myself to see that I look horrible, so that when I look in the mirror, my willpower will be greater. And besides, I look totally fat in clothes that are my size, or smaller. And, yes, I do have smaller clothes - I have a box of summer clothes that are smaller than I am right now, because I know that if that bow is there, it will push me harder, and give me more willpower. I call it the '110-box' Anyway... I'm starting to doubt my decision to go to college. Ever since I was about 14 years old, Ive always wanted to go to Europe; there's so much history there. But now I'm not sure if i should travel, and then go to college (but if i do, there will be no more money left), or if i sould go to college, and then travel, (in which, there will be no money left, either way). I have currently chosen college, i have applied and everything, but I'm starting to seriously doubt that decision. anyway, hope everyone is getting thinner and thinner for the summer, and hope all is well! lovelovelove ~em

so now im am starting more 'today' posts about what ive eaten, because, frankly, that's the best way to go.
anyway,
today i have had:
1 cup coffee w/ milk and sugar
1/2 cup KD mac & cheese
1 cup green tea

So apparently, when I researched green tea, it can help burn fat. It lowers cholesterol, and, weirdly enough, can aid in weight loss. I think its fascinating how one cup of tea can aid anyone in losing weight, thus, becoming healthier.
Last night I was on Twitter, and I found some food facts, that are both-sided, ones that can make me think food is GROSS, and some that can make me think food is good:

1. On average, a person will spend a total of five years, eating during his or her lifetime.
2. 1 out of every 4 kids in the USA are overweight!
3. The smell of apples or bananas can help you lose weight!
4. Every day, 7% of the US, about 21,840,000 people, eat at McDonald's. GROSS!
5. The average chocolate bar, has about 8 insects' legs in it!
6. Apples, are more efficient than caffeine, at waking you up in the morning!
7. During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of anbout 6 elephants.
8. Formaldehyde is the stinky liquid that's used to preserve dead labortory animals. This chemical is what the artificial sweetener aspartame, breaks down into after being eaten.
9. Two 12-ounce servings of freshly juiced apples, pears, carrots, celery, and leafy greens can produce the same effect as twice the dosing recommendation of a laxative!

Yum. Personally, I don't think I would ever want to take a laxative, so I could freshly juice vegetables and fruit to get the same effect, but twice that as a laxative! Cool.

Love
~Em

Finally warmer weather

Finally warmer weather to be joggin in.
Winter is starting to leave, and that means its workout season; time to work off all those pounds and fat i've been gaining throughtout the winter. Time to go jogging every morning, and night, and time to get ready for bikini season. For the past few years, every summer, I've been hiding my body away, because, compared to those skinny girls at the mall, i'm ginormous. This year i WILL make sure, is COMPLETELY different.
Anyways, I dont think ill be going down south this summer, as my father isn't going that way, and even if my mother goes and visits family down there, won't be going. I still can't seem to even think of my grandmother after what she did to me.

Anyway...
Let me just sum things up: im the type of girl that sets a goal of diet and exercise, but fails miserably only a few days later. I don't think I've ever been on a diet for more than a few days, which is pathetic, I know.
I just hope this time I can keep it up; I've posted pictures of thin, so if I even feel a little bit tempted to eat a cookie, I will think twice about it.
Unlike the previous diets I have been on, ones that i made for myself, I did not have what I now call a "binge day". With some diets, they can practically carb/calorie -starve you into such desperation, that taking a cookie is most likely to happen. But this time, I am making a day where I can have what I want; obv. with restrictions, but on that day I can have one or two extra things in my diet that I wouldn't even dare have the rest of the week. I have named it: 'Binge-day-Saturday.' Basically I found this video on youtube, where this pro-ana girl would starve herself for the week, but then on Saturday she would allow herself a little extra, so that she wouldn't eat everything in sight after two weeks of dieting.
Anyway, of course with every diet, I am setting myself some rules. Yes, they are extreme, but in the end, the results are all that matter. Basically, my goal is to be thinner and way less than my sister (who weighs about 115 right now, i think; she goes to the gym 3x/week, for hour and a half, so i goal if to beat that, so to exercise more than 4.5 hours a week), and weigh like 105, or 110, or something like that.
So here are some rules:
1. No more than 500 cals per day (for the week thats 3500 per, which is equal to one pound in calories) (LOOK AT #5 for SATURDAY)
2. No food with added sugar; basically no pop, chocolate, ice cream, donuts, cake, etc.
3. Anything with grains, HAS to be whole wheat, so whole-wheat pasta, whole-wheat bread, etc
4. Exercise AT LEAST 1 1/2 hours every day, (enough to equal more than 5 hours per week)
5. On Saturday, no more than 800-850, as long as ALL is burned off; if anything has sugar, I only have a 1-hour time frame to eat it in the whole day, between 12-1, to eat that.
6. NO meat; for one, it's disgusting to eat flesh, two, being vegetarian is BETTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
7. Fruits and veggies now become my best friend.
8. NO DAIRY, with a few exceptions; ONLY milk, and yoghurt is fine, but no ice cream, cottage cheese, sour cream, etc.

9. Believe that you CAN, and ALWAYS have thinsporation around, so you'll NEVER be tempted.

If anyone else is going to be on a diet for bikini-season as well, good luck to everyone, and may we all be better than those skinny bitches, as by then, hopefully, we'll be the THINNEST!!!!!!!!!

(I'm following these rules at least till the end of April, and by then I have done very well, then I can reasses, and assign new rules, or keep it the way is is)

Hopefully I will post at least every week about my progress. I may not be able to post my weight, as I currently do not own a scale.

Good Luck Everyone!!!
STAY STRONG AND SKINNY!!!!!

Love,
~Em

Its SO cold where i currently live. Then to add on to that, its windy, which makes the cold even more unbearable! When i look at the weather forecast on my ipod it says -17. Brrrrrrr!!
So anyway, for the past few weeks, Ive been thinking seriously about myself, and what the future holds for myself. Last week I got an acceptance letter to the college I hope to attend in the fall, which was a huge high for me, since i didn't completely expect me to get in! Now all i have to do is figure out where i will be staying....I know I am certainly NOT staying at my grandmothers again. The first time sucked, so, NEVER again. Now, im just hoping to get into the courses I want/need to take, since I hear they fill up fast at this college.
So, as i said for the past few weeks, I have been seriously thinking about myself, and everything. Ive kept a diary, which will hopefully help. But ive been thinking about how i'm gonna live - who do i wanna be? what do i wanna do with my life? - when last night, as my father was dropping myself off home, I hit myself with a big question: why do i wanna lose 20 pounds?
That is a weird question to just randonly come up in someones head, since for a long time, ive stamped 'FAT' all over my mind, making myself know that, if i don't lose 20 pounds, i'll never be pretty. So i thought about the question, and here is my answer: so he'll/they'll see me better than he did before.
Okay, okay, crummy answer, but in high school I had this crush; during high school I was fat, a nobody, someone who just walked the halls with remorse towards herself for letting it get it this fat, and also waiting at any chance to leave high school. Anyway, I want him to see me, thin, and pretty, gorgeous and beautiful.
Ironically enough, as much as i hated high school, 2 years later, I kind of miss it. Not only because of the same routine every day, but because i always saw my friends there, no matter if they talked behind my back and i didn't know, but i knew that every day at 8:20, we would see each other. Now their gone, and i hardly see any of them. I hate not knowing whats going to happen, and with high school, it was pretty predictable. I know college will not be the same, and high school is over now, so i hope i make a new world for myself in the fall.

I looked back to my very first post, Oct 9. Ive been writing in this blog for just a little under a year and a half. wow. I started this blog just 4 months after i graduated. When I think about it, that was a long time ago.

Hope everyone is going good, and heading to thin.
love you loveliees! (love-lees)

~em

new post and thinspo

hello again!
since i am a frequent blogger who tends to find thinspo to further push me to get to where i want to be, i decided to give back to those who have given to me. Here are a few thinspo pictures that help me to not eat that chocolate cake, or that big bowl of pasta.

what i usually do is i print pics, then post them in my food diary or journal. i don't post them on my walls, since i live with my mother, and she could see them and think there's something wrong with me. which there isn't.

im not kidding

let me start at the beginning...

last night, I had a dream; now we all know that dreams can get pretty weird, or stupid.
so, the dream starts out with a wedding, which is in the back yard of some big house. then suddenly im sitting in a tree, wearing what was a dress, maybe sneaker-like shoes, and erhaps a sweater. Obviously something was wrong with my outfit, because the next scene shows the bride standing kind-of beside me, looking at me, and making what would seem like s speech. I can't exactly remember what she said, but I know she spoke about, and to me, and it was only a few sentences. She said something like 'you should get better with wearing clothes that suit you.' I can't exactly remember what she said to the point, but I think those were the guidelines.
Then the dream changes, and Im in a bedroom, looking at different dress, and sweaters, thinking about which dress would be best to wear. And of course, for some odd reason, Im looking at wearing a sweater over it. Girls walk by, and oddly they seem disgusted with the huge bulky sweaters.
weird dream, I know, but oddly enough, it seemed SO completely revelant to what im going through today.
Once I had a dream, a few weeks ago, that I would be back in my old town, regretting that I came back, and wishing SO much that I was back in vancouver. Oddly enough, a few days later, I went back to the old town. So now, i tend to really wonder what my dreams tell.

Anyways...
I woke u a little late today, and OMG it was snowing like crazy!! There was LOTS of snow already on the ground. Walking to my father's house was a bit fun. the snow was almost up to my knee, and so the only way i could get down the road was walking on tracks that vehicles had already made, and at that time, there wasn't many, but I was lucky. the only thing I was truly worried about was that my computer would get wet, because snow could get in the bag I was carrying, so, yeah, i was worried about snow getting in and ruining my computer. luckily, it didn't.
the past week has been, well, a bit weird. eating food was almost like, 'i don't care', which im starting to get back into thinking, 'CALORIES=BAD!!'. but the past week, i've been graving on food, and not feeling to horrible about it.

anyways....

hope everyone is doing good, keeping up with those new years resolutions on weight, etc.
:)
~Em

i may have been discovered. i'm not sure. in any case, I am currently changing the url on this blog, but I will only be simply adding 3 words. For those of you who want to keep reading what I write, here is the clue to where my new url is:

1) the current url name + This sign ( - ) + (as one word, absolutely no spaces or anything between each word) the three words blair wanted to hear from chuck, gossip girl fans you know this.

good luck, and stay strong

~em

STUCK

hello to all those who are reading this.

I feel like im stuck, stuck and not getting anywhere.

Good news today is, I got new journals, so I will be writing in them, so I can write everything, like what i eat, how much, and exercise, and what not.

I have a updating photo on how much progress I have made, though I warn, it is unfortunately not much at all.

While finding other blogs, I have found this pic, that I really like, which is called "2011: year of the gap". I find it really symbolizes what, to me, this year is all about. Getting thin, and doing whatever it takes to get there.

Credit to whoever did this photo.

I printed it and put it up, for thinspiration.

Diet starts tomorrow, I will be eating food that contains hardly any salt/sodium in an attempt to greatly lessen my intake. For those of you who are going to prom, and want a smaller tummy, do not eat sodium. I will alsi be eating VERY low carb food (as, from the research I have done lately, it appears everything has carbs) So whatever I eat has, like, NO carbs.

I just hope I can stick to it.

Good luck everyone

~em

In some ways I regret moving to where I am today, but in others, I also got to learn a few things that I may not have learned if I had stayed in the small town I once called home. I have learned that my dad may have been what i'd call a 'player' when I was young, maybe even cheating on my mother. Overhearing grandmother say a few things over the phone to her son, my uncle, who happens to be some kind of a counselor, I hear some things that put everything I know into question. Did my father really love my mother, or was it all just a lie? And if it was a lie, then that would entail that my youth, believing that my parents were in love, was a total scam.
I also learned that my grandmother thinks that it is best for me to not live with my mother for a while. Okay, so I totally understand where she is coming from, I guess I was at a stand still for a while, not sure what I wanted to do, either work, or go to school, but did I really bring my mother down that much by staying with her??
Hearing that, Im not sure if I was/am ever really wanted by anyone in this world.
The only good news out of those conversations is that I now have more motivation to become perfect. I see my face in the mirror, and it still looks like I had the surgery I had a long time ago, ergo, my face is fat. FAT. FATFATFATFAT!!!!

Anyway...
Everyday seems to drag on, and having no current job, though I am trying, ironically makes the days go by faster.
I still regret currently living with grandmother, and am seriously considering moving into residence when I attend college, which will hopefully be very soon. I can't stand the way she looks at me, that look she gets when she sees me sitting there, one that looks like she regrets ever having said 'yes' to letting me stay here; the look that seems to be saying that she wishes I had never been born. Which in a way is kind of like that conversation I heard her saying, about how she thinks my parents made a mistake at some point in my life.

Today started out good, I had one cup of juice (130), one cup hot chocolate (100), and one Neillson Peach yogurt (150), and I was set to not eat anything for the rest of the day. And I didn't, except maybe for the few extra sips of a hot chocolate, but then came 10:00 pm.
I don't know if I have ever said this before on here, but I kind of tend to eat more right before I go to bed, which is the worst time ever to eat. So I had 1 bun, and 1 piece of fish with some lemon sauce. ARGH!!
Okay, okay, I know that is totally under 500 calories for those two items, but it is totally out of my budget, calorie-wise!!!! My goal of under 500 calories is sometimes hard, even when I'm probably eating all the worng foods. When counting calories, everything tallies up faster than one thinks.
Yesterday, while at the mall, my grandmother offered to buy me a hot chocolate from the coffee shop that we passed by, and the very first thing was: but if I buy it from here, then I won't be able to know how many calories it has....... I pratically jumped for joy when my mind thought of that, of all the things (like 'yum,yum, free hot chocolate? count me in'), I was happy, because for once I was thinking logically, and not with my stomach.
Mind over Matter, and I won't get Fatter.

Hope everyone's resolutions have gone good so far this year!!!

lovelovelove
~em
:D

so life seems even more boring, and such a mistake now
i feel like im such a huge burden on my grandmother, and if i dont get a job in the next
week, i will probably leave the big city.
I just can't bear to see the way she looks at me with the disgusted look again. i just can't.

so i have previously written this post, but deleted it because i didn't think it was any good.

I was overhearing my grandmother talking to my uncle about me. Let me just say that out of the two grandmothers, I previously liked this one better, but i think my mind has changed.
I overheard her talking about one period in my life where the decision that my parents made was wrong. When I was born two of my toes didn't split all the way down, and when I was young, the doctors gave my parents the choice to decide if they wanted to recorrect it. They decided not to, for reasons, one being because I wouldn't be walking for quite a while, and being at that young age where were hyper and everything, that would have sucked.
Anyway, so grandmother was saying how she thinks it was a mistake, the choice my parents made.
To sit beside someone and know that they are not happy with the way you look....
anyway, then she goes on about what my father said to my mother. So during high school my mother put me in front of about 4 therapists as she thought I was depressed. I abmit I was depressed at one point of my life, but that was a long time ago, like grade 9. I got over it, and the last few years of high school, i was lonely, but in no way depressed. Grandmother goes on to say how father said that it wasn't me that was depressed, but my mother.
As first I was repulsed at that thought, but then it made sense. My mother is depressed, but she seemes to take it out on me.
Grandmother also talks about how she will be enforcing some small rules.
First of all, let me just point out how self-disciplining I am of my own life. Everything on the bathroom counter is perfectly alined, everything is hung up, as well as the bedroom. I make sure that everything is where it is supposed to be, and where it is meant to be. Everything is neat and tidy, and I accept nothing less.
Anyway...
the night of new years grandmother seemed a little angry, i don't know why, but while we were waiting for the ride who was to pick us up, i started to quietly cry in the lobby of the apartment. I started to think of how much a mistake I made to stay with grandmother, someone who i now know hates everything about me, and thinks im a mistake.
Geez, life is sure stupid.
I have applied for some jobs, so hopefully once I get one, my life will get better.
Till then I hope everyone is doing well.
Happy new years.

lovelovelove
~em



Just a tip for those reading this and think that toe thing is weird: actress gemma arterton was born with polydactly, and hannibal lector has it as well (in the book 'silence of the lambs')