In some ways I regret moving to where I am today, but in others, I also got to learn a few things that I may not have learned if I had stayed in the small town I once called home. I have learned that my dad may have been what i'd call a 'player' when I was young, maybe even cheating on my mother. Overhearing grandmother say a few things over the phone to her son, my uncle, who happens to be some kind of a counselor, I hear some things that put everything I know into question. Did my father really love my mother, or was it all just a lie? And if it was a lie, then that would entail that my youth, believing that my parents were in love, was a total scam.
I also learned that my grandmother thinks that it is best for me to not live with my mother for a while. Okay, so I totally understand where she is coming from, I guess I was at a stand still for a while, not sure what I wanted to do, either work, or go to school, but did I really bring my mother down that much by staying with her??
Hearing that, Im not sure if I was/am ever really wanted by anyone in this world.
The only good news out of those conversations is that I now have more motivation to become perfect. I see my face in the mirror, and it still looks like I had the surgery I had a long time ago, ergo, my face is fat. FAT. FATFATFATFAT!!!!

Anyway...
Everyday seems to drag on, and having no current job, though I am trying, ironically makes the days go by faster.
I still regret currently living with grandmother, and am seriously considering moving into residence when I attend college, which will hopefully be very soon. I can't stand the way she looks at me, that look she gets when she sees me sitting there, one that looks like she regrets ever having said 'yes' to letting me stay here; the look that seems to be saying that she wishes I had never been born. Which in a way is kind of like that conversation I heard her saying, about how she thinks my parents made a mistake at some point in my life.

Today started out good, I had one cup of juice (130), one cup hot chocolate (100), and one Neillson Peach yogurt (150), and I was set to not eat anything for the rest of the day. And I didn't, except maybe for the few extra sips of a hot chocolate, but then came 10:00 pm.
I don't know if I have ever said this before on here, but I kind of tend to eat more right before I go to bed, which is the worst time ever to eat. So I had 1 bun, and 1 piece of fish with some lemon sauce. ARGH!!
Okay, okay, I know that is totally under 500 calories for those two items, but it is totally out of my budget, calorie-wise!!!! My goal of under 500 calories is sometimes hard, even when I'm probably eating all the worng foods. When counting calories, everything tallies up faster than one thinks.
Yesterday, while at the mall, my grandmother offered to buy me a hot chocolate from the coffee shop that we passed by, and the very first thing was: but if I buy it from here, then I won't be able to know how many calories it has....... I pratically jumped for joy when my mind thought of that, of all the things (like 'yum,yum, free hot chocolate? count me in'), I was happy, because for once I was thinking logically, and not with my stomach.
Mind over Matter, and I won't get Fatter.

Hope everyone's resolutions have gone good so far this year!!!

lovelovelove
~em
:D