Very quick post

hey everyone!!
i guess this will be my last post of the year 2009. scary!
Tomorrow nothing is stopping me from doing a fast. See how long i can go.

Anyway...
just wanted to let everyone know that i may not be able to blog for a few days. My mother took off my internet on my laptop, and right now i'm blogging from my sisters computer. I will blog whenever i can find the chance.
i will miss everyone till then!!!

Stay strong and thin everyone!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

i think this year has to be the worst christmas i have ever had.
I know it's stupid to cry over not getting what i told everyone i wanted, but did they really think i still like chocolate?
in my stocking, and in every wrapped present, chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate, and still no ipod. Okay so maybe an ipod is alot, but surely on boxing day someone would've thought to pick one up on the day that they're the least expensive on.

anyway...


what is the fastest anyone has ever lost in a week??
i'm hoping to start on a new fast or something. Not qute sure yet.
When it's so frigging cold out, how can anyone exercise?

stay strong and thin pretties!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

Another Crappy Christmas

So for part of my dad's christmas present he took us to the city nearby so we could go 'boxing day' shopping. As nothing was open that night, we ordered pizza. And as always, once i start eating - breaking the 'not-eating' cycle - i can't stop.
after i ate, i felt like such a fat pig. Like i was a disgrace to even myself. There's really no words that can describe how a person feels when - after they've eaten - they know that that food will add like hundreds of pounds to their thighs, and the next day they have to endure the countless stares of people passing by, and knowing that they think your such a big FAT PIG.
And i had plenty of stares the next day.

So anyway on Christmas day, as usual, i ran down to the tree hoping to find what i really wished for wrapped under red and green sparkly paper.
Instead i found a book, and fudge. Fudge. The very word repulses me so much.
All i wanted - and asked for - was a camera. Really not much to ask for.
But no - my dad gave me fudge. With the amount that he gave me, i'd gain like 4 pounds. EEWW!!!!!

So anyway, on the quest to perfection - i'd say that gaining like hundreds and eating pizza - I am a huge FAILURE.

Hope you all had a better Christmas and holiday than me
Happy New Year.

stay strong and thin pretties!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

2010

It has only been 2 months since I started this blog, and already the New Year is approaching fast. My, time does fly.
Tonight, my sister, dad and I had Christmas dinner, and i must say that it went much better than i would have expected. Altogether, i had 2 brussel sprouts, half of a very small candied yam, one spoonful of mashed potatoes, 1 small piece of chicken, and 1 diet coke. The mashed potatoes had garlic in them, so i didn't have any - i don't really like any garlic, except garlic toast.

So, now i have to commit to my New Years Resolutions.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
1. As i am now at least 145 pounds, and almost considered overweight, I WILL lose as least 30 pounds.
2. I will get myself a job, a job that will help with school tuition and living on my own (i still live with my parents).
3. To move from my parents place, and live with someone else, or on my own.
4. Get higher education; go to school.
5. Drink more water!!!
6. Try to fast as often as I can.
7. Get contacts - glasses are SO last year.
8. Redye hair - my hair does NOT look good half blonde and half light brown...EW!!!
9. GET THINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!


So, anyway...
I was looking at updates on other ana sites (thinspiration) and found out that Quest For Perfection can up as "Page cannot be found." That was one of the main sites i would always check.
I do hope that Kat is doing okay.

Happy Holidays!
Stay strong and thin pretties!!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

Just a quick one

I am writing just a quick blog as it is only minutes from the last one I wrote.

I hope that -and this is to remind myself- that i can write everyday.
Deep inside is a girl who wishes to be set free, who wishes to be able to let it all go, to not have to keep so many secrets hidden inside her anymore. I have been waiting forever to have a blog like this, where being anonymous is what keeps me writing; where no one knows who i am, and where i won't be punished by my friends or family for speaking what's really on my mind.
And let's face it: anyone who has met me, and knows me, doesn't even like me anyway. So here, i feel better for no one knows me and i don't know anyone - besides what we all write.

anyway...

stay strong and thin pretties!!

Merry christmas and happy holidays!!!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

Chocolate

Okay, so, for some reason, i usually keep a small box with chocolate in it, just to test my willpower. anyway, last night was the most horrible night ever, so i snuck into the box and took a reeses pieces bar. I knew that once i had one i would have the other two, as i am completely weak.
The only thing i am happy about is that i drank diet coke and not regular coke.
But all in all, a sucky crappy day.

hope you all are doing better than me.
Staystrong and thin, pretties!

lovelovelove,
~Em

Slamming Doors

So i moved into my dad's for a few days while my mother is out of town visiting family.
Since the moment i stepped in the door, nothing has been going right. Everything is wrong.
I HATE that you can hear the highway from hear, espeically the semis that come through. I hate that you can hear the crosswalk from the highway. I hate that there is a lamppost just outside my window that is on all night. I CAN"T SLEEP WITH IT ON!! I hate that i miss mom and Sam. I'm so lonely here. With Dad it's different; he doesn't even listen to me, it's like im invisible, but mom listens to me.

HE walked into my room earlier this morning, but then slammed it shut.
I buried my head in my hands and screamed in my head as loud as i could.
"Em, you fatty!! How could you be so fat!!! How can you be so lazy!!!! YOUR A DISGUSTING PERSON, WHO DESERVES NOTHING!!! FATTY!!!!"

Got Diet Coke yesterday, so that'll make my day less hectic with counting caloires.

I can smell the fat that Dad is cooking downstairs in the kitchen for breakfast.
it smells DISGUSTING. I can't bear the smell!!

hope all of you are having a better christmas than me.

stay thin and strong girls!!

Lovelovelove,
~Em

FAT FAT FAT FAT

i know its so soon, but i just had to get this out.

He didn't say it right out, but my dad called me fat.
Okay, so maybe i had a some cookies that made him notice that some were missing. "Your starting to see it, your health will go down." he didn't say it right out to my face, but i know what he meant.

Of all the people in the world, your parents are supposed to tell you that your beautiful, even when your not. That's their job.
But when they say otherwise, it's like someone punched you in the gut, like nothing else you can ever do will make a difference.
I do get it everyday; they tell me that i don't do much, which is partially true, but i'm just not a completely outgoing person; i'd rather stay at home watching a movie, than being at a rowdy party. My dad even comments on that; he says that i don't do much, that i'm lazy, that i sit around all day doing nothing.

To tell you the truth, i hope that he keeps doing it; it'll push me to try harder, to try to lose more weight, to try to be thinner, and be better than anyone else.

stay strong and thin.

Love, love, love
~em

bad, Bad, BAD

so far this month has been the worst. For some reason, i can't stop eating and have probably gained. New Years is coming up...but i know that whatever i put up for resolutions, i'll just break it within a week.

My willpower is the worst ever!!!
It's like i have no respect for myself whatsoever!!!!
i've gotta think this through for a few.
It may be awhile till i'm back on, blogging everything.

Stay strong and thin everyone!!! (and hopefully your WAY stronger than me!!)

~EM

Calories

I have been looking into getting a calorie-book with all the calorie listings of food in it.
Any suggestions into which book is the best?

report

Besides 2 choc. cookies, one cup of hot chocolate, and one cup of tea, i haven't eaten anything else. Am feeling a little hungry now, and my hand is a little sore for some unknown reason.

have drawn up ideas to redecorate my room. Now to buy the supplies....

stay strong and thin

~EM

Lighter Than A Snowflake

Am TOTALLY planning to change my life (style).

So, just in time for the new year, and for a new start, I am planning to completely change everything.
I now wear glasses, and am now getting prepared to get contacts. Glasses are SO LAST YEAR ANYWAY!!
Right now, I am blonde, and am hoping to get a completely new style. Maybe Kristen Stewart red, or Taylor Swift blonde, or Taylor Momsen blonde. ??????? which should i choose???

My room is getting new DECOR!!!!!!
i can hardly wait to see how I put everyone together in the end!! New photo frames (and photos of course) and curtains, and new bed sheets, are now going to go in.
I CAN"T WAIT!!!! (maybe let you know how it goes?)

Anyway, I am also going to COMPLETELY change my health. No more crap for me!!!

I am going vegan!!

Tonight at exactly midnight (pacific time), I am not going to eat foods that have a lot of fat, carbs, or starch.
I am not even going to touch things such as white bread, pastries, or cakes. Nothing bleached. EVERYTHING MUST BE NATURAL.

no more dairy, meat, fat, carbs, starch, or foods with added 'sugar'.
(but i'll still drink diet 'coke').
I hope i have enough willpower to get me through this.

stay thin and strong

~EM

let you know how everything works out after midnight!!!

bbaaaaddddddd

ate way too much today....to even begin.
punched the wall a couple times for it, and went for a walk.
tomorrow will be better; i am starting a new, better, more motivated diet.


-stay stong and thin


~EM

dont know what to put here

so, i was up pretty late last night, trying to find photos of magazine articles on google of people who have or have had anorexia, and their story. found quite a few... anyway...was almost tempted to have some cereal, but took an orange instead (much more healthier, and less calories)
when i woke up late this morning, i heard someone in the bathroom. i assumed it was my sister, who wasn't supposed to be home yet, but instead it was my mom.
now, i am glad that i have annonymityon this blog; i can write things that i would never tell anyome, and no one i know can bully me for what i write.
anyway, mother was crying, because she was worried about everything. i think it's because of the situation we're in today. divorced, and trying to get by, sometimes i guess it's hard not to cry.
then, five minutes later it hit me. It's my fault. now, i don't know if i have written about this before, but i feel as if the divorce is my fault. and i think my sister thinks so too; she's the one that put that idea into my head, by actually saying it out loud to my face.
is it normal to blame yourself for everything bad that happens? why me - why do i always blame my self?
at least it's another reason why i should become thinner.


stay strong and thin!

~EM

finally ... willpower kicks in

so, i got my L today. finally. a lot of studying went into that.

had a bit of sushi and tempura for lunch, but had water instead of pop or tea. There was green tea, but it didn't appeal to me at the time. Made breakfast but most of it ended up in the garbage.

So...my mother made a appointment for the orthodontist next week, thursday. I must say, that that really kicked me into gear.

there is a guy who was in my grade last year, and he now goes to school four hours away from here, and in the same city that the orthodontist is in. I was hoping that we would go in December, so i could have a little more time to lose some weight, but i am going to try my best for now. Will most likely go to the city on Boxing Day, so maybe when i go then, if i do see him, he can see a new and improved me.

I am planning to become a vegetarian, but i might still eat diary. I don't think you need to kill a cow to get the milk, or kill a chicken to get a egg. But i most certainly will not eat butter; there's just way too much fat in that.

I don't plan to eat foods with a lot of fat, or carbs. No white flour in anything (pasta, rice, cake, etc.), no fast food (duh!), nothing that will make me gain weight.

So now i just need to burn the calories. jogging, yoga, situps, etc.

hope my willpower can stay.

stay thin pretties!

~EM

here are some pics of me at the present time:

let's hope i can get thin!!!!

UH OH

I didn't realize how hard it would be to not eat. I miss food so much already. Mom is making Delissiso for dinner, and Dad was wondering if we could go to breakfast at A&W tomorrow, before i take my written drivers test (in B.C., you have to take written, then L for one year, and then N, which you have to take a driveing test, and if you pass that then you can drive alone.)

I love pizza, so giving it up isn't as easy as it sounds. Chew-and-spit method may come in though. Just have a lot of napkins. Am trying to clean my room, and take things that i don't need and get rid of them. Its quite alot that has piled up over the past few months. I have been looking at colleges/schools to go to to get further education. I plan to do something in the entertainment business, like Makeup or fashion. During high school, i sucked at the English, Math, and Science classes, but the art-related classes, I was quite good at. Espeically music.
So we'll see how it goes.

Today has NOT been really good. Had 2 cups of hot chocolate, which is like 240 calories, 120 each. But am to do firewood soon, so hopefully that will help too. And lots of situps.
Now that I know that Diet Coke basically tastes the same as normal Coke, i've been buying them a little more. Am trying to get a prize off of the Coke website. (hopefully i can get a little 2010 Olympic bear!!) I am a little excited for the end of January, for the olympic torch is coming to my town.
Other than that, my life is going very slow.

Hopefully will avoid eating for as many days as I can. I've been planning to go on a fast for a few days, anyway.

stay thin and skinny

~EM

seemingly a good day

I think that I did a bit better today.

Went for a 0.9 mile run, but walked most of the time (half an hour). Had a few munchies (chips-VERY bad), one cup of tea, half a cup of coffee, and some chicken. still bad, but better than not jogging at all.

Will surely try to jog all the way, but go 3 miles - 1.5 there and 1.5 back.
And cannot go over 500 calories.

stay thin and pretty

~EM

Getting Better

When I ran for the third time in one week, i was suprised, but glad to find that ny thraot didn't hurt, and it was easier to catch my breathe.
Didn't eat much today; had a diet coke, some tea, toast, and eggs.
Not much else to comment on.

Stay strong and thing, pretties!

~EM

well, it's started

I FINALLY went for a jog tonight. It only lasted 17 minutes, and it was mostly alternating speed-walk and jogging, since, let's face it, I'm not in great shape to begin with. ( since my throat seemed like it was burning).
Had only about 3/4 cup of apple crumble, with some whipped cream (which is TOTALLY bad.)
Hopefully I can get to only jogging, not walking, in the next week. But it was nice to have accomplished something like that since I hate going out in public where people see me for being fat. (and since i have poor willpower.)

Anyway...
may post some photos to show what a big fatty I am.

P.S.
-must get Diet Coke
-MUST GET A SCALE!!!!

stay thin and pretty

~EM

Worse

I guess today didn't go too bad. didn't go over 500 cal, which is pretty good.
1/2 cup O.J. 60 cal
1/4 cup cornflakes 90 cal
2 cups orange pekoe tea w/ sugar and milk 50 cal (i think)
1 1/2 stone wheat crackers 45 cal
1 cup soup chicken noodle 120 cal

total 365 calories!
i would've eaten one more cracker, as tempted, it was sitting on my desk near homework, but crumbled it beyond eating with a napkin.

So news has reached me that we're moving again. We've moved like 8 times in my life. Apparently mom can't afford to maintain it anymore. I almost broke into tears. Weirdly enough, it made me really want to go jogging tomorrow morning. ( if I can't control what goes on in my life, then i can controll everything else.)
Thin is the only thing i want in my thing right now. More than having a job, which i REALLY do need.
maybe tomorrow i'll come more diet coke.
have to practice driving test. I must truly be lazy and have absolutely no willpower if I didn't do my written drivers test when I was 16. Its now two and a half years later. ARGHHH!
Something must be done.

Stay thin and pretty, lovelies!
LOVE,
~EM

fail miserably

I think it's safe to say that I gained in the last month, and that my willpower is officially nonexsistent. October certainly wasn't a good month for me. I hope November to be even better.

My parents are maybe planning to go down south for Christmas. It doesn't really snow there, but it can get cold. We certainly see snow up here in the North though.

So, ...
In hopes of looking WAY better than my sister if we do go down, I have decided to kick my behind into gear. Since it gets darker sooner here, I'll be able to get out to run sooner. (I'm not quiet comfortable running if people can see me, but i guess that's mostly my fault).
I started to get into shape today already by spending 15 minutes raking leaves in our yard, then jogging inplace for 15 minutes (it's a start...i am SO out of shape, its embarassing), then half an hour walk to the bakery to get bread for my mom.

Tomorrow whilst shopping I plan to get some Crystal Light and Diet Coke. (I am shocked to discover that Diet tastes the same as normal Coke..i didn't think it would).
Hope I can up the willpower to 100%.

Stay thin and pretty :):):):)

~Em

SAD

'It was his birthday today,' mom informed me and my sister and we sat in the car. "He would be 22."

Anyway, so far, have probable eaten way more than 800 cals for one day. went for an hour walk yesterday. Hope it helped.

Funny as it seems, I seem to like to be 'the damaged girl.' It seems more fun that way, or something like that. Being the damaged one, everyone seems to pay attention. How to be damaged?

Stay strong and thin

~em

p.s. hope your weekend was better than mine.

Late

Woke up late today, did chores around house - vacuuming, dishes, etc.
For dinner made 2 slices of bacon, 1 pc of toast, and 1 cup of ceasar salad. Except for the salad, everything else mostly ended up in tissue, as i didn't really want to swallow. New method: 'chew and spit.' Sounds gross, but at least i won't gain.
I am now testing my willpower.
1. Am to lose a minimum of 5 pounds within a month.
2. Drink at least 50 oz. of water per day.
3. Absolutely NO candy, ice cream, or sweets.
4. Cannot eat any more that 800 kcal a day.
5. EXERCISE, lose that weight!!

The test is on. Let's hope I have more willpower than I thought.
Also had one cup of tea w/ milk and sugar. I know i shouldn't have had it, but its what keeps me going, and warms me up in the cold weather.

Stay strong, and cheers to willpower!!

~em

post

I am sick and tired of my mother complaining nonstop about how my work 'isn't satisfactory enough.' what is her problem? I do it, but i's never good enough.

Anyway, ate about 600 cals today, and went for walk in the cold. Sister came home early from school today as she wasn't feeling good. A little sick i think.
I'm kind of glad i have annonymity on the web.
Went for a long walk last night to get ipod at my dad's, which i forgot on sunday Thanksgiving dinner, and he was having dinner with some lady. It's a little disturbing to see dad dating someone when it hasn't even been a year since my mom and him split. Just a little sad to think that 17 years of marriage could mean so little to him. Like i mean so little to him. Like family meant nothing to him. Even my mom still seems to hate seeing him. I don't blame her.
I don't blame him for anything, it's just weird how things turned out the way they did, and hw it meant so little so some of us.
My sister blames me for what happened to our family (parents splitting). I can't wait to shove it in her face that - when i'm skinny -, i'll be skinnier than her. I certainly can't wait.
It's cold up here in the north, and its almost halloween. I have been visiting some pro-ana sites for inspiration, and i fould this one site meepeem.blogspot.com. It has a challenge of losing a minium of 5 pounds. I am seriously considering doing it, but will have to adjust the timing on it, as i only just found it yesterday.
Anyway...tomorrow is a new day, and anything can happen.

Stay strong everyone!

~em

the mirror is the enemy

I looked in the mirror and punched myself for what i saw. I can't believe how i let myself get so carried away with food and not seeming to care how i looked. I cried when i pinched my fat and swore i would do whatever it takes to get back on track.

I don't think i could ever be happy again unless i'm thin. I just feel as if my selfworth depends on how i look. My mom never cares as much as she does for my sister, and crying at night doesn't help. Pushup, after pushup helps me concentrate on one thing: up and down, up and down. Nothing else matters as much as how many calories i burn. Nothing. It hurts but it numbs every other pain around me.

Sick and tired... Pumpkins..

First off, let me just say to those out there who read my blog and comment, it means the world to me when I see those comments. I feel a rush of energy to keep going when I don't have much. Thank you.

I am sick and tired of being fat. My thighs touch, and i hate that my face looks just a little on the chubby side. I am so mad at myself for eating the donuts that i did eat today, but i didn't eat dinner, so i basically ran on donuts today. I don;t know what happened. Once my lips touched the sweet, yet disgusting taste of dough and sugar, i couldn't stop. I feel SO horrible i let myself fall.
Unfortunately Thanksgiving is in two days, but as my parents have split, i'll be at two dinners this year. I used to think 'Yeah, Thanksgiving! Turkey and pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce!'. Now when i think of it, i think of disgusting food, filled with carbs. I know i won't be eating turkey or the mashed potatoes this year; turkey's meat, and potatoes are just starch. Thank god i think of puking when i think of Thanksgiving dinner - no offence to those who love it though.

I have been getting pointers and tips from 'Quest for Perfection.' Tomorrow, i will go and buy the Pro-Ana Essentials she posted. Not sure about laxatives though. Anyway, being thin means the world to me right now, and i will do anything to get it.

Introduction

I used to have a petite frame. Before I really fell in love with food. I used to eat all the time, the occasionally chocolate bar here, the cheese burger there, i ate when i felt like it. I guess i ate to fill the void of being lonely, like i could fill it, if i just kept eating. Deep down i knew i really couldn't fix it, but some part of me said that if i kept eating, it could be filled. I was/am pretty lonely. I dont have any friends and my family doesn't completely appreciate me; not as well as they love my sister.

I am graduated, at home, and am weighing my options of what and where to do about school. My parents, sister especially, think i'm wasting my time being at home. But i have been steadily researching calories, and such about food.

I have now begun to steadily hate food, and have trying ot eat less and less. I haven't weighed myself in a long time, but have just recently decided to buy a scale. I want to be thin, and that includes weighing myself. I have researched it many times.

I have never felt i am good enough for anyone. No matter how many chores i do, or how good i do at school, my parents never congratulate me like they do my sister. I tell them that I got a A on a english test, they say their proud, but when my sister gets an A on anything, they congratulate her, and take her out for lunch. I feel highly under-appreciated.

This blog is to help keep me motivated. I want to be stunning. Perfect. Beautiful, and THIN. Now it is time for Ana to become my best friend. She will hold me in my darkest hour of need; she will always be there for me when i need her the most.

'I will become thin, or die trying.'

~Em