RIP Isabelle Caro

For those of you who remember that shocking Italian posters of a girl who was photographed to raise awareness, I have some sad news for everyone. Isabelle Caro has died. The cause is unknown, so right now it is inclear if she died from being anorexic.
Reading about Isabelle and her life, it's actually interesting. Isabelle struggled with anorexia since she was 13, and has made a point to bring attention to the disease.
It has been said that she died sometime in November, and her family wanted it to be a quiet affair.

RIP Isbabelle Caro.
You truly were beautiful.

New Years

For the past week, Ive been feeling somewhat crappy, and then when I overheard my mother talking to my grandmother about me, and how I am, I was even MORE upset. So thanks mother, for making me feel like a piece of s**t. They were talking about how I don't always finish doing the dishes, not as well as my sister does. Okay, so maybe I go to the bathroom, or quickly have to finish homework or something in the middle of the dishes, so what? That's nothing to patronize me on.
I swear, if my parents get my sister a better graduation present than they did me - I will absolutely NOT talk to them for at least 2 whole months, or even longer, depends. All my mother got me were skittles. DAMN SKITTLES!! don't get me wrong, some people love skittles, but they are certainly NOT a proper graduation present. Then compare that to the $400 my father spent so we could split the cost on my laptop, which cannot currently get internet. for whatever reason. i do not know.
I heard my grandma talking to my mother about how I was looking through the fridge, even though she had just started making dinner, and how she thought that was rude. First, how the f**k (sorry) could I have known that she was making dinner, and anyone else in my position would have done the same thing, so why is she being so rude??
Throughout the day, I felt weird, like if I do one simple thing that's wrong, she'll make me out for a lesser person. I felt like I was walking on glass the whole day. I felt like a worthless, pathetic, little shrod of a person all day.

As the New Year approaches fast, I have been writing my New Years Resolution, trying to think of what I can do to make myself a better person. Here is a rough idea of what I have come up with so far:
1 - Lose 20 pounds (for obvious reason)
2 - Absolutely NO more meat.
3 - NO more pop.
4 - GREATLY reduce sugar intake.
5 - NO more candy.
6 - Absolutely NO chocolate.
7 - Become more focused and determined in life.
8 - Become COMPLETELY practical.
9 - NO more than 500 calories per day.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!

Never in my life have I ever seen anything so....PERFECT!

So, i have some good news (hence the title). I am finally in a building with its own treadmill. ITs practically right beside the apartment!!
I have never been one who likes to go to the gym for fear of some one recognizing me, so now that my grandmother tells me that hardly anyone uses it, I am full of joy. I CAN GO JOGGING WHENEVER I WANT!!!!
I heard somewhere that one does burn more when jogging out side, but inside I can jog as long as I want!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!
stay skinnies, pretties!

lovelovelove
em :)

over time...it sucks

i am posting from a computer slower than melting glaciers, and hope it even posts this entry. I have made it to vancouver, and I hate to admit it, even to myself, but i have eaten WAY too much for comfort within the past 3 days. On wednesday I went out with friends, had fried food, and a pina colada. The pina colada in itself has tons of calories.
I'll admit that in the past few days, I have slipped in writing EVERYTHING that I eat, but I am getting back into it. I stepped onto a scale for the first time in a while today; I think I weight about 130 pounds, or it may be 123 pounds. I'm choosing the higher one, just to push myself, but I couldn't tell for sure, the needle would shift when I moved the weight on certain parts of my feet. Hopefully here I'll be better; living in a city, there is more annonymity (?) than in a small town. I'm still iffy about going to the gym, but at least I will have plenty of space to work out, like sit-ups, push-ups, things such as that.
I'm am just praying that I can do better than the past month. I haven't truly really changed in shape of body, so I think I haven't been doing very well.
Christmas is here, and that means food, but thankfully both mother and grandma don't serve much for us, so I hope i'll be able to contain myself in indulgence.
I feel antssy about moving here; I'm not sure if i'll be able to get a good job, perferably one that isn't at a cafe or restaurant or anything, so as I'm not tempted.
Good luck to everyone else.

lovelovelove
em

Those lovely, lovely bones

I think I have lost a few pounds.
Saying that is weird, but over the past few weeks, I have noticed that my belt that I usually wear with jeans, doesn't seem as tight as it used to be. It is kind of a relief, but at the same time, I know that there is SO much more work ahead of me to shed those pounds.
For the past few days, I have gotten into a regular sleeping pattern: going to bed at 9, and getting up at 8. Before I was staying up till 2 and waking up at like 11, which isn't as fullfilling a day as the 9-8 day.
anyways...
So I think I did pretty well for today. I didn't eat much, and when I had the salad that my father made with tomatoes and cheese in it, I picked out the tomatoes, and cheese. So at least I didn't get those extra calories with the cheese. I haven't eaten it yet. I walked upstairs to my 'room', placed it on the shelf, and I haven't touched it yet. I'm not sure if I'm that hungry for dinner anyways.
I'm moving in two days, which I am ecstatic about, but also kind of nervous. What if the move is too much, and miss this small town too much......gosh, I hope I stay in vancouver. Being in this small town sucks, nothing ever happens. Everything happens in vancouver. well, more than this town. Let me just summarize what happens in Vancouver that is totally cool: supernatural, smallville, and hellcats, has and is filmed in vancouver, as well as the movie fantastic four, invisible, and that one with reese witherspoon, which they are still filming. Also, lots of concerts happen in vancouver. and the shopping is fun too.
So, yeah, i guess saying that i'm 'excited' is understating it....just a little.
I am SO happy its christmas. I LOVE snow, gingerbread, and everything about christmas. It's just one of the most happiest days of the year.

hope everyone's christmas is going well, and for those of you who may not celebrate christmas, I hope you are doing well, and celebrating whatever you do this time of year.

stay skinny!
lovelovelove,
Em

Back into shape

So yesterday morning at 8:00 am I went for a jog. Well, it was really more of a walk than a jog, as I haven't been keeping up with keeping in shape as well as i should.
So yesterday morning I got a chance to be by myself and think. I started to wonder what I have been feeling these past few days, since I've been feeling a bit out of it, an dI think I discovered what it is. I think I have the 'i-don't-care' feeling, like everything around me is changing, and I can't do a thing to stop it. I would give anything to do these past few days differently, but I can't. And it was really nice to get out for a walk as well. It was at 8, so the sun was just coming up, and everything was quiet. Peaceful. People were starting to get up for work, even though it was sunday. I felt at peace, like, for the next hour I am the only one who can control my fate; nothing around me can change, unless I let it. I can walk this way, or I can walk that way, I get to decide where I go, and how long I can disappear from the world. It was like my own time. And it felt good. Personally, I think from now on, I'd be waking up a bit earlier, like at 7, since it's still dark out, and thats when there is a better chance of not being recognized. I live in a small town, and one of the few things that actually stops me from going out jogging is the fear of being recognized. I graduated about a year and a hald ago, and I hate the fact that i am still stuck in this old town. In about a week and a half, I will be moving to Vancouver to live with relatives, and I am completely overjoyed with that fact that I will not be in this old town anymore. I hate being the only girl out of all of my old friends who still hasn't moved on yet.

unpredictable

the world seems to be unraveling - what was once a system of schedules now seems to be uncertain ground. I used to happy with the way that I knew what would happen. I prized the rules and systems and knowing what would happen next, but now im not so sure. everything seems to be coming undone. Nothing is for certain anymore.

I am the kind of girl......have you ever seen the beginning of 'new york minute' where ashley has this planner full of schedules, and has everything planned down to the last little detail. Everything was labeled and she knew what would happen from day to day. Her future was set.
Thats what i like, having everything perfect, knowing every detail and knowing what was to happen from day to day.
And now everything seems to be unraveling, and I seem to be...going crazy. Im starting to panic; I feel strange, like...i don't know...like i'm starting to enjoy night more than day time, like im changing, becoming more into depression than into happiness. I was usually considered depressed, i guess, but I never considred my self depressed. I usually can get through a day by myself without feeling a tiny bit of loneliness, while others feel lonely. Is that considered depressed?
My mother seemed to think I was depressed during high school, but i never really considered mself depressed. She pushed me to visit therapists for no reason at all. she seemed to think there was something wrong with me, that just because I didn't get as good grades as my sister, that there was something wrong with me. There was never anything wrong with me.
Maybe thats why I hate her so; because she seemed to think that there was something wrong with me. maybe i'm starting to think that about myself too. Maybe some part of me is starting to think that im...i dont know, weird. And fat. Maybe thats why she put me into the therapists room...because i was a little big. still. i was no bigger than the next person.
What does she really think of me?
Everything seems totally different now. whatever

oh my gosh!!
he's here right now!
my mothers bf!
what am i supposed to do???
he was sitting in the living room, and I walked right in and sat beside the fire (as its winter in canada, and SO cold), and he was just sitting on the couch looking at his phone. AH!
we talked for like five minutes about books. which is lame, i know, (but, i was known as a book worm in high school - though i knew someone who was more of a book worm than i was). Anyway, so now i'm in my room typing this, and I don't know how to react. Which makes the fact that I was sleeping all day because I couldn'ts sleep last night, even worse!
Gosh , why does life have to be so complicated?!?!?!

REPOST

Yesterday morning -actually still 'today' for me, as I haven't slept yet- I met my mother's 'boyfriend'. Under weird circumstances too, I add. He came to pick her up at 8:00 for work, and they sat down for a few minutes for tea. He said he was happy to meet the 'infamous emma'. That's what he called me: the 'infamous emma'. And that what he had heard were all good things.
When someone says im 'infamous', and then finishes the sentence with 'all good things I've heard about you', I really start to worry what my mother could have told him.
First off, let me just say this so it isn't a shock later on, but I am appalled that my mother is dating. I mean, it was only a year and a half ago that she and my father split over 'irreconcilable differences'. What does that mean? I know I wasn't supposed to go through the papers, but I saw what they said on them; well, basically all i got was the wanted to split because of the 'irreconcilable' thing. Anyway, it seems really weird that my mother is now dating someone else. It's really weird.
What I also wonder about is why i didn't feel this way when my dad was dating. It wasn't even a year after they split before my father was off dating again. It was so soon after everything. And yet, I didn't feel as weird as I do about meeting my mother's 'bf.' What's really funny too, is he's kind of built like my father, except a bit taller. He's a bit stocky, dark, dark, hair, and -since he brought it- obviously likes tea. For me, I really don't see much of a difference. HA!
Anyways, so now I find out that I can meet up with a few of my old friends in the city when I go on vacation. I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS!!! I am still fatter than ever, and now I am racing against the clock trying to lose as much as I can. I haven't done as much exercise as I would like, but this morning I did tons.
Since I slept mostly through Thrusday, and didn't sleep at all last night (Thursday night). So,this morning I had a cup of coffee, which must have done something, because for a full hour and a half I cleaned everything I could think of. I vacuumed the living room, swept the kitchen, and dining room, did the dishes, and cleaned my room. After I cleaned I felt kind of...slow. Like the effects of the coffee had burnt off, which is kind of weird, because I don't really get bursts of energy, whether I consume any type of beverage, or food.
So now, in a week and a half, I am visiting friends, and I just pray and hope that I can be at my best by then, and be thinner than ever, thin enough that they can notice at least SOME change in my appearance. God, it sounds like SO much work...

Hope everyone is enjoying Christmas time! Its my most favourite time of the year.
Best wishes on perfection
love emma

the 15th

So apparently now I have til the 15th of December to get down to a MUCH lower size. But how much can one lose in so little time.
I think i'm gonna have to pull something like a 'louise redknapp', where I jog for like 4 miles a day, eat nothing more that the size of my fist, and don't consume any more than 500 calories a day. Fun.
If anyone wants to know what i'm gonna be doing, I will leave a link I found for the diet that Louise did when she was trying to know what it felt like to be a size zero, and the whole phemoneom (??) thing. Anyway... the link describes what she ate, her stats per week, and her what her exercise was.
I really need this. If i fail at this, then I know that I fail at everything else. Life will be useless if I can't be this one tiny little thing.
http://www.disordered-eating.co.uk/eating-disorders-news/the-truth-about-size-zero.html


good luck
love
emma :)