Drifter

I have come to the realization that I am a 'drifter'; to me, a 'drifter' is someone who just goes through life with no higher aim, someone like the character Julia Stiles plays in 'it's a guy thing', that person who just goes from one job to the next, and never really excels at anything.  They never go anywhere, just...'drift.'
For the past week, I've been busy trying to move all of my stuff form one apartment to another, an in-between all the commotion, I missed a school project due date, and failed it.
Knowing that I could've dine better, but failed because of someone else, makes me SO mad.  It pisses me off that soneome thinks that can walk all over me like that, and just walk away like nothing happened.  It makes me mad that I suffer for what they decided to do, and they suffer nothing.  I hope she dies a slow painful.....well, those words sound even harsher when being written down.  But I still wish she would suffer, like get what she deserves.  One thing for sure: I am NEVER living with a roommate EVER AGAIN!! Screw the roommate, i just hop she gets what she deserves.
And I'm happy that i live on my own now; that roommate smelled.

Love

~Em

Lost track

My, it really has been a while since I last posted, and to be honest, I haven't really thought about this blog much.  I used to, but i guess being worried about getting a job, and with school, everything has been busy for me.
I just wanted to say hi, and hope everyone who reads this blog is doing well; I sometimes read other pro-ana blogs, and if the reader hasn't written anything in a long time, I start to wonder if they are doing okay. There was one I used to read all the time, but they haven't posted in a long while; so, i just wanted to write that I'm okay.  I unfortunately haven't lost any weight, Im still about 124, but being in a city where there are so many thin people, and WAY more gyms, and fitness programs than a small town, I'm sure the pounds will come off really soon.  I've started a program called 'The Birthday Project', which entails that by July 19, my 21st birthday, I will have lost about 15-20 pounds, so that when I wear a dress and go out for dinner, all eyes will be on me, and NOT because i'm the fattest, but because I'm happy.  Hopefully.
There are rules that I've made up, but at the moment, i can't remember where Ive out them.  Nonetheless, the idea still stands: look fabulous by my birthday.

About a week ago, my dad, who was telling me to have questions about the movers - since I had hired movers to move the big things, as I'm moving to another apartment at the moment, and one with no roommate, just myself!!!!! - , I told him that I didn't have any yet, and he said, 'Nicole would've done this by now."
Now, i know that my parents, in their minds, compare me to my sister, but they have never said it out loud.  This is the actual first time that anyone has said to my face, that my sister is better, and comparing me to her.
I'm not exactly sure to how comprehend this.  Thinking of a way to punish myself, but we all know, Im not that good with rules.
Till next time,
Love,
Em

I've had trouble sleeping for probably half a year now - i don't know why, but i can't ever seem to get to sleep.  I'll lie there with my eyes closed for hours, but still not get to sleep, and when i do sleep, i tend to sleep in late.
Is there something wrong with me? Do i have mild insomnia? Why can't i get to sleep!?????!!!  It's 4:20 in the morning, and I still can't sleep (but i went to bed at, like, 1)
ARGH!!

Its weird, but i keep trying to think of how i could make those girls seem nicer, but i keep coming up blank.  It occurred to me last night, after the last post, that those two who rejected me, could have split up, so we were two groups of two, but they didn't.  And i hate them even more for it now.
this is a really weird post.  All i keep thinking is, if i was thinner they would have let me in their group, and that I will be better than them, they will be left in the dust.

I sincerely can't believe how mean people can be!
I asked these two girls if we could partner up for this assignment in school, and one of them replied 'Oh no, we can't, we chosen to go with Anne."  To be honest I almost half expected it, but I didn't think they could be so mean about it.  Being this way, even if they thought they were being kind, to me, it sounded like 'Like h*ll we'd ever partner with you.  Go away."
Thank god class was over; I basically ran to the bathroom to cry.  It seems weak of me, but its true.  I went to the bathroom and cried.  (well, i did have to go too)  And it wasn't really crying, there weren't any tears.  But when I got home, I cried.  I cried for like 5 minutes, and it wasn't much, but... I felt... completely alone and useless, that nobody wants to know me, or even wants to see me.
Let me just say, that no matter what happens, I will never kill myself, or anything like that.  Im only 20, and I'm smart enough to know that there is too much in the world i want to see, and way too much I still want to do before i grow old.  I want to see England, I want to travel, meet people, etc.
Anyways, I just can't believe that those girls could be so cold, but at the same time I pinch myself every time I make friends with anyone, because..i just don't make friends, and I currently don't really have any.  Ive lived in the city for 7 months, and I haven't really met anyone that I would consider a friend.  sure, I know people, but not anyone that I would call up on a saturday to see if they want to go shopping or something like that.  So when I thought that I was making friends, I didn't quite believe it, and serves me right.
On the bus ride home all I could think was, some day I will make more money than them, I will be better than them, I will be so much damn better, and bigger than they will ever be.  To hell with them; who needs them anyhow?  Their just b***hes in disguise.  Good Riddance.

Just like the quote says:
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me,
And all your ever gonna be is mean,
Why do you gotta be so mean?

It sure has been a while since i last wrote.
Not much has happened, but at the same time, lots has.
About two days ago, I happened to receive an email from my landlord, saying that he had gotten an email from my roommate stating that she is not sure if she will be continuing school, and in that case, she will then not be able to afford living at the apartment, and will have to go back home.  This worries me; what if she decides to be out by the end of April? How will i be able to move - I won't; i don't have a car, nor anyone to help me move.  Then brings up the question, if she does move out then, how will i be able to pay her half, when she never really gave me any actual notice of moving out?  If she does do that...
I will certainly not miss her if she moves out, she is by far the messiest person i have ever met - there are still dishes there from last week! she hardly cleans, and the only time she has in the whole seven months we have been in the apartment, she cleaned once - 3 days ago, before she went home.  She claims that when she comes home after visiting her family, the apartment smells, and she said - i overheard her on the phone - that she says its me - IM NOT THE ONE WHO LEAVES THE GARBAGE ON THE APARTMENT FLOOR FOR DAYS ON END! i swear, there is still a garbage sitting there from 4 days ago.
Case in point, if she decides to leave, i will certainly NOT miss her.  at all.

It's been a while

I absolutely hate when this happens: someone talks about something to someone, and its about you, but when you finally hear about it, its not the person who has the problem, its the person they talked to instead.  Apparently my roommate isn't happy with where she is living, so she talked to the landlord about moving out; I had no knowledge of this up until about 5 minutes ago, when the landlord emailed me about this.  How inconsiderate, and rude is that? to hear about it from someone else?  But to be honest, I'm not quite sure how i feel about this; I've not been keen on spending the next six months with her, and have even considered moving before.  But still, to hear it from someone else...it's just...rude.