bbaaaaddddddd

ate way too much today....to even begin.
punched the wall a couple times for it, and went for a walk.
tomorrow will be better; i am starting a new, better, more motivated diet.


-stay stong and thin


~EM

dont know what to put here

so, i was up pretty late last night, trying to find photos of magazine articles on google of people who have or have had anorexia, and their story. found quite a few... anyway...was almost tempted to have some cereal, but took an orange instead (much more healthier, and less calories)
when i woke up late this morning, i heard someone in the bathroom. i assumed it was my sister, who wasn't supposed to be home yet, but instead it was my mom.
now, i am glad that i have annonymityon this blog; i can write things that i would never tell anyome, and no one i know can bully me for what i write.
anyway, mother was crying, because she was worried about everything. i think it's because of the situation we're in today. divorced, and trying to get by, sometimes i guess it's hard not to cry.
then, five minutes later it hit me. It's my fault. now, i don't know if i have written about this before, but i feel as if the divorce is my fault. and i think my sister thinks so too; she's the one that put that idea into my head, by actually saying it out loud to my face.
is it normal to blame yourself for everything bad that happens? why me - why do i always blame my self?
at least it's another reason why i should become thinner.


stay strong and thin!

~EM

finally ... willpower kicks in

so, i got my L today. finally. a lot of studying went into that.

had a bit of sushi and tempura for lunch, but had water instead of pop or tea. There was green tea, but it didn't appeal to me at the time. Made breakfast but most of it ended up in the garbage.

So...my mother made a appointment for the orthodontist next week, thursday. I must say, that that really kicked me into gear.

there is a guy who was in my grade last year, and he now goes to school four hours away from here, and in the same city that the orthodontist is in. I was hoping that we would go in December, so i could have a little more time to lose some weight, but i am going to try my best for now. Will most likely go to the city on Boxing Day, so maybe when i go then, if i do see him, he can see a new and improved me.

I am planning to become a vegetarian, but i might still eat diary. I don't think you need to kill a cow to get the milk, or kill a chicken to get a egg. But i most certainly will not eat butter; there's just way too much fat in that.

I don't plan to eat foods with a lot of fat, or carbs. No white flour in anything (pasta, rice, cake, etc.), no fast food (duh!), nothing that will make me gain weight.

So now i just need to burn the calories. jogging, yoga, situps, etc.

hope my willpower can stay.

stay thin pretties!

~EM

here are some pics of me at the present time:

let's hope i can get thin!!!!

UH OH

I didn't realize how hard it would be to not eat. I miss food so much already. Mom is making Delissiso for dinner, and Dad was wondering if we could go to breakfast at A&W tomorrow, before i take my written drivers test (in B.C., you have to take written, then L for one year, and then N, which you have to take a driveing test, and if you pass that then you can drive alone.)

I love pizza, so giving it up isn't as easy as it sounds. Chew-and-spit method may come in though. Just have a lot of napkins. Am trying to clean my room, and take things that i don't need and get rid of them. Its quite alot that has piled up over the past few months. I have been looking at colleges/schools to go to to get further education. I plan to do something in the entertainment business, like Makeup or fashion. During high school, i sucked at the English, Math, and Science classes, but the art-related classes, I was quite good at. Espeically music.
So we'll see how it goes.

Today has NOT been really good. Had 2 cups of hot chocolate, which is like 240 calories, 120 each. But am to do firewood soon, so hopefully that will help too. And lots of situps.
Now that I know that Diet Coke basically tastes the same as normal Coke, i've been buying them a little more. Am trying to get a prize off of the Coke website. (hopefully i can get a little 2010 Olympic bear!!) I am a little excited for the end of January, for the olympic torch is coming to my town.
Other than that, my life is going very slow.

Hopefully will avoid eating for as many days as I can. I've been planning to go on a fast for a few days, anyway.

stay thin and skinny

~EM

seemingly a good day

I think that I did a bit better today.

Went for a 0.9 mile run, but walked most of the time (half an hour). Had a few munchies (chips-VERY bad), one cup of tea, half a cup of coffee, and some chicken. still bad, but better than not jogging at all.

Will surely try to jog all the way, but go 3 miles - 1.5 there and 1.5 back.
And cannot go over 500 calories.

stay thin and pretty

~EM

Getting Better

When I ran for the third time in one week, i was suprised, but glad to find that ny thraot didn't hurt, and it was easier to catch my breathe.
Didn't eat much today; had a diet coke, some tea, toast, and eggs.
Not much else to comment on.

Stay strong and thing, pretties!

~EM

well, it's started

I FINALLY went for a jog tonight. It only lasted 17 minutes, and it was mostly alternating speed-walk and jogging, since, let's face it, I'm not in great shape to begin with. ( since my throat seemed like it was burning).
Had only about 3/4 cup of apple crumble, with some whipped cream (which is TOTALLY bad.)
Hopefully I can get to only jogging, not walking, in the next week. But it was nice to have accomplished something like that since I hate going out in public where people see me for being fat. (and since i have poor willpower.)

Anyway...
may post some photos to show what a big fatty I am.

P.S.
-must get Diet Coke
-MUST GET A SCALE!!!!

stay thin and pretty

~EM

Worse

I guess today didn't go too bad. didn't go over 500 cal, which is pretty good.
1/2 cup O.J. 60 cal
1/4 cup cornflakes 90 cal
2 cups orange pekoe tea w/ sugar and milk 50 cal (i think)
1 1/2 stone wheat crackers 45 cal
1 cup soup chicken noodle 120 cal

total 365 calories!
i would've eaten one more cracker, as tempted, it was sitting on my desk near homework, but crumbled it beyond eating with a napkin.

So news has reached me that we're moving again. We've moved like 8 times in my life. Apparently mom can't afford to maintain it anymore. I almost broke into tears. Weirdly enough, it made me really want to go jogging tomorrow morning. ( if I can't control what goes on in my life, then i can controll everything else.)
Thin is the only thing i want in my thing right now. More than having a job, which i REALLY do need.
maybe tomorrow i'll come more diet coke.
have to practice driving test. I must truly be lazy and have absolutely no willpower if I didn't do my written drivers test when I was 16. Its now two and a half years later. ARGHHH!
Something must be done.

Stay thin and pretty, lovelies!
LOVE,
~EM

fail miserably

I think it's safe to say that I gained in the last month, and that my willpower is officially nonexsistent. October certainly wasn't a good month for me. I hope November to be even better.

My parents are maybe planning to go down south for Christmas. It doesn't really snow there, but it can get cold. We certainly see snow up here in the North though.

So, ...
In hopes of looking WAY better than my sister if we do go down, I have decided to kick my behind into gear. Since it gets darker sooner here, I'll be able to get out to run sooner. (I'm not quiet comfortable running if people can see me, but i guess that's mostly my fault).
I started to get into shape today already by spending 15 minutes raking leaves in our yard, then jogging inplace for 15 minutes (it's a start...i am SO out of shape, its embarassing), then half an hour walk to the bakery to get bread for my mom.

Tomorrow whilst shopping I plan to get some Crystal Light and Diet Coke. (I am shocked to discover that Diet tastes the same as normal Coke..i didn't think it would).
Hope I can up the willpower to 100%.

Stay thin and pretty :):):):)

~Em