hello again

I cant believe how long it has been since i last posted, time seems to go by so fast!
Ive moved to the city, and am now living on my own, which is...weird. When u with ur parents, you dont realize how many little things can be very important when living on your own - such as having bowls, and sugar and cream for coffee, and then looking at things like expiration dates, and thinking about how much u eat, and taking that into account when u buy something.
Today, i went out and bought a weigh scale - the first one ive had in about maybe 3-4 years. We used to have one when i lived with my parents, but something happened to the thing where u put the battery, so we just didn't get a new one. Ive had the chance to catch a peek when I find one in peoples bathrooms - such as my mothers friends house, or even my aunts house - but i have been looking for one for awhile, guess never quite knowing where to look in stores accouted to that, but i went into the store today, and finally found one, for $20. Its not electronic, but i didnt need anything fancy. I also happened to get a dark pink little notebook - mostly for a planner, since i couldn't find one that goes from Sept - most go from the start of the year, Jan - so i just got a notebook, where I could just write the dates in it, its probably easier than searching everywhere for one that starts from Sept.
Living in the city, ive gone shopping a bit, but ive stopped looking for specific things - i specifically went out to get running shoes today, and found some - ive been feeling antsy about getting out for a jog, thinking about asking my mother to send me my old running shoes, but ill admit it, ive had those shoes for like 3 years; it was time for new ones, most definitely. Anyways, its like 1:15 am, and so much to do tomorrow.

Love, love, love
~Em

September 2, 2011

It's really the 3rd of sept, 12:24 Am, but i dont really count that until ive woken up...anyways...
School starting for me in a month, and the one thing that scares the hell out of me the most is my weight. See, im taking a fashion merchandising course at a college, and the fact that other students will be there, who share the same passion as me....one thing that scares me is that there will be skinnier people than me in that classroom, people who have a better advantage because of being skinnier, they can wear much better clothes than i can.
Thats what scares me the most, among other things. There is also the fact that I have to find a place to live, hoping that the roomate thing goes well, and such. I just pray that i can last a full year of school, since I kind of wasnt the best student...not that i wasnt the best student, but i wasn't exactly a 'A' student, so im just hoping that i can have enough self determination to get myself through a full year of school, and finish with flying colours. And this is a full year of school, not at all like uni where every summer you get a break, but all year long, not really any breaks, except the obvious ones, such as christmas, and holidays (labour day, thanksgiving, etc).
and yes, i celebrate the canada thanksgiving, and yes, i am on Robin's side from HIMYM about Canadian Thanksgiving being...what was it....The real thanksgiving? i have absolutely no idea why the canadian and american thankgivings are like, one month apart.
anyways...yeah...not much else i guess...

it has sincerely been forever since i have posted, been completely busy with moving, and soon to be starting school. busy doesn't even describe it; my mother is moving a few blocks away from our old house, my father is moving six hours away to a small town, sis is moving four hours tp college, and i am moving 18 hours away to school, to a city where i myself have to find an apartment. ugh.....so much to do.
over the last five months, ive noticed a slightly small difference in my body size, its become smaller, but still, if i had pictures, i don't think thered be much of a difference visible.
computer is hacked or whatever this thing is that keeps popping up, so may have to post later.
:)

ugh

hello again
anyways
does anybody else who weighs 125 or more, get like this greasy feeling, like your body is greasy and you just can't wait to get out of your top and bra, and put on just a simple tank top?
Well, I feel like that sometimes; i get this feeling like im all greasy. I don't know what it is.
Anyways, i think i have survived a few days without meat. Nest stop: no dairy. So ive been reading the skinny bitch book, and some of the things in there....eewww! for those who have read it, and have read the meat section, then youll know what im talking about, but for those of you who didn't, please don't!! it talks about how animals are treated in the factory, and it is seriously SICK!! it has even put me off from even touching meat!!!

anyways, hope everyone is doing well. its late so ill go now
til later

lovelovelove
~Em

'Low Self Esteem Leads To 'Hefty Hannah''

For those of us who recognize that nickname, right on!! (for those of you who are clueless, it was a nickname Hannah had on Pretty Little Liars before she was thin)
Anyways, so i just spent the last half hour crying over the fact that my life is now officially falling apart. Im on the waitlist...waitlisted in college! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!! I guess its fine a little though, since i still not quite sure exactly what to do; i was thinking of going into English, but hats as far as I go in my mind, for a career path. i have absolutely no clue what i want to do 5 years from now, no clue whatsoever! I know i want to continue in something like fashion or something, but besides that, im not absolutely sure.
So i cancelled my residency thing, so now, in the fall.......
All i can think about right now is the disappointment ill see in my fathers eyes when i tell him what ive decided to do.
oops, someones outside, and its late, write later

lovelove
~Em

when you don't eat, or stop eating, ironically, when your bored or just sitting food is all i tend to think about. When im working, when im on the computer, or when im walking the dog. I think about what i could eat next, how many calories it contains, and how long i would have to jog to get rid of it. Its a constant battle to stop myself thinking about food, and concentrate on other things.
i just wish things were easier, and straight forward.
Doesn't it just seem that back when we were a child, everything was so simple? You knew what you wanted to be when you grew up - a ballerina, firefighter, lawyer - whatever it was, you knew right away whenever a parent asked you. I don't even know what I want to do - its so confusing!

I think im starting to go into a rebel phase. well not really, but im starting to think about completely changing my hair, changing it from the plain layered hair. if you have seen ami walsh on Supersize vs superskinny season 4 episode 2, thats about what i think i want.

I never really had a rebel stage when i was growing up in high school, and to me, i think that the phase comes at some point in a teenagers life. Im starting to see my parents as people who i can't believe anymore, people who are the complete opposite i thought when i was younger, now their completely flawed.

When i say 'the complete opposite i thought when i was young', i mean that, when you were 5 years old, parents seemed like so nice, etc., but as you grow up you start to see that they are seriously flawed, and that they aren't as perfect as you thought they were when you were 5 years old.

Anyways, so yeah, i think im just going through a rebel phase..who knows, maybe i am, maybe not.

Last night I talked to my dad, and talking about taking courses at school, and he started pointing out things, saying how my sister has made everything work for her, how she does things, blah, blah, blah, and he kept asking questions, and i started to feel frustrated and completely mad at myself, and felt that I didn't want to eat at all for the rest of the night. So now I know that when i feel frustrated and angry, i tend to not to want to eat.

anyways, things aren't as good as i would like but sumer is here, hot weather, and stuff, so that is pushing me harder. yeah....

hope everyone is doing well.

Lovelovelove

~Em