for those of you who are reading this, I have a question:
what do you do for punishment when you have eaten too much, not exercised, or done something that you weren't supposed to?

Gorge

"Don't gorge on this whippping cream; it's like 6 bucks."
I secretly died in my mind when my mother said that. I do not gorge myself on whipping cream!! (okay, so I may have done it in the past, but I'm better now. I don't need it, and there is absolutely NO need to put it on my coffee in the morning. NO NEED TO.)
Being worried that someone may come into my room and see the 'thinspiration quotes' I have written to post up on the wall for inspiration, so I have translated some of them into French. Now when we look up at my wall, only I will know what the words mean: Goûts rien aussi bien que mince se sent (Nothing tastes as good as thin feels), and Ne jamais abandonner (Never give up). Now i just hope the translations are right.

Going for a jog tonight even though it is 10 below, and getting colder these days. Snow has fallen on the ground; the world looks so beautiful when its a marshmallow.
I love hot chocolate, but having a cup of it these days seems like im being selfish; I can just picture my mother seeing me pouring myself a cup, and then shaking her head. Even though that has never happened, I won't let her do it. I will keep to myself, keep my hands at my sides, and never, ever indulge in sweets, and meat, or dairy, and bread. Eating white food now seems like so much work.

By Christmas, I hope to be thinner. And disappearing....

A few days ago I was bored, searched a gossip site, and found that Kelly Osbourne will be gracing the cover of Self magazine. It reported that she is now 112 pounds.
IM FATTER THAN KELLY OSBOURNE!!! She's normally been heavier than me, but last year after DWTS she has become healthier; I almost burst completely out into tears, when I saw that number on the computer screen; my chest seized up and I couldn't breathe for a few moments.
I am a failure, and there is nothing that I can do that will impress myself; I am a loser, and no one ever would want to love a failure. Besides I don't deserve love anyway.

Become thinnner and thinner, pretties. Hope you are all well.
xoxo


LATER: (after I posted this, I thought i should add this, as I realized my idea had changed a little)
Okay, so I wrote earlier, my mother was saying to me about how I shouldn't eat all the whipping cream...so later in the day, I realized that I am now actually starting to feel guilty about eating something that someone else didn't - apparently -have enough of. Im am now starting to feel guilty about eating something... the comments about 'did you finish the hot chocolate, did you finish that chicken?" the hate was always there, it just took a while for me to see it, and now that i do, it's a clear black-and-white picture to me.

Is it normal for someone like me, someone my age, to completely question everything? to questoin every possible path that I could take in my life? To question if I really am worth it, worth all the time people take into getting to know me? Am i really worth all the trouble?

Everything is so confusing... I don't know which path to take, or if any path is the right one. Does anyone feel like this?
Life seems so short, yet endless in possibilities...

hmmm...

stay thin and beautiful!
-love
emma

its been a long weekend

it has been a long weekend.
with time change and everything...its weird having the day go darker sooner..very weird..
anywho, i was looking at lod photos on facebook, and im still not happy with how i look.
I know my goal fluctuates all the time, but it mostly is always under 110. My goal is also to be skinnnier then my sister, to be better than her, to have something that my parents can be proud of me for, if it not be for being intelligent. (i am intelligent, but my sister is the a++ student in things that matter like maths and science - im more of the music, art girl)
anyway, so I have recently been watching some videos on youtube, such as 'im an anorexic child' and have changed my diet to be very strict. On that video one thing one of the patients said was that she would not let herself go to sleep before she knew what she was to eat the next day and how many calories it had in it.
So i have again modified my diet.
I do have somewhat of a diet - less meat than everyone else, and not much dairy, or grains, but still. for me it's not enough.

So for th next week I will be seriously testing myself out on the rules of a diet.
I was on a website and have a few ideas of what I could eat each week - low-cal things such a fat-free yoghurt, apple, orange...

so at the end of the week I hopefully will be able to report good progress on this blog.

lovelovelove
~Em

Blog

A few days ago I looked at my profile and realized that a year has passed since i started this blog.
wow.
not much has changed; i can say that my whole outlook on life has changed a bit though - im starting to see beauty in the little things, wild life, nature, and poetry. I have also chosen a path that my life will go, education-wise.

Hope everyone is doing okay.
Canadian thanksgiving has passed, which is awkward since US and Canada do not celebrate their thanksgivings at the same time - their both a month apart.
thanks for reading this blog, and keep up the good work with everything everyone!
Lovelovelovelove,
EM

halloween

halloween really does suck...temptation in the air... ew...starting to hate choclate, which is totally different, since i used to absolutely love chocolate.
guess everythings changing
told mom im going to a party tonight, but i'm not
guess i just don't want her to think of me as such a loner...don't know why i lied.
but at the same time, if i'm becoming thin, and stop eating, i'll have to get used to saying lies, like if she asks that i ate, and i say i did? we'll all know that that's a lie.
but at the same time it also feels good, since in life eventually i'll have to tell a lie, and this is just practice.

Oddly enough, CSI

Last night I was watching an episode of CSI - i don't know if it was a re-run or not - but they are talking about how meat-eaters have yellow fat, and vegetarians have white. EW!!
So I researched it, and found out a bit more, like that being a vegetarian make lessen your chance of so many diseases!! Such as many types of cancer, and heart problems.
For those of you who really do want to go green, and vegan, here is a blog I found: thekindlife.com.
And yes, it is Alicia Silverstone, as in the main character in that teen movie 'Clueless'.

go check it out, they have some yummy recipes that are vegan, some just fruits and veggies (making it low-cal).