just stop

maybe i should just stop speaking completely.

see how long it takes for people to notice.

i doubt it.

whatever.

lovelovelove,
~em

So Confused

Okay, so yesterday as me and my dad were driving back home from a 4 hour trip to the dentist, he talked about the future. Snooze-alert, but he suddenly said that mom kicked him out of the house because she was sick and tired of hearing him talk about how the world is going to be financially in trouble soon.
Seriously, isn't marriage about love, not money.
Sure, yeah, I mean, money probably was the only reason anyone ever married - like 75 years ago. Now everyone can choose who to marry without any limitations from family.
So why would mom kick someone out of the house, just because of money, and then divorce because of money.
Someone who does that is not happy with themsevles - marriage is about love, and sticking through all the hard times - not about how much money everyone has!
I was COMPLETELY appalled that my mother was selfish enough to even consider divorcing someone about money. Even is she wasn't married, she would still be fine, she has a good paying job and is financially stable.

What is the world coming to????

Lovelovelove,
~Em

It's Just All One Big Lie

So, my mother showed her favortism toward my sister again today. She yelled at me for half an hour straight about just some nonsense about whatever the convo was about. I wasn't really paying attention anyway.
So, anyway, went for a 50 minute walk today, and then had a 40 minute jog/walk yesterday.

Everything is so out of whack. I wish someone would come and help me.
Okay, so that line was corny, but it's true.
Whenever I read other books, about troubled teens, there is always someone there to help them and pull them out of their mind, and see reality (in a sense).
I wish i had someone like that.
going shopping again, in a town where a whole bunch of other graduates go to school....will be guaranteed to be feel like such a FAT PIG!!!

Anyway...

Lovelovelove,
~Em

new to religion

I know that I haven't been good on writing on this blog, so sorry, and from now on i will try to write more.

I used to read this diary that some author wrote, pretending to be Anastasia, the last grand duchess from Russia (anastasia, the disney movie is based on that). Anyway, i was reading and before Easter she said she and her family would go into Lent. Basically, what i thought it was was that you don't eat animal products.
So anyway, i learned that it is based on religion, and that it started on Ash Wednesday. Anyway, i am a few days behind, but i think i'm gonna do it. I will abstain from eating any animal products what-so-ever, and that means butter, meat, and milk, which i will note now, i basically eat that evryday. That also includes chocolate, which is one of the best things ever!
So until Easter, I will not eat any meat, butter, or anything else from animal products.
Hopefully i will write more on the days to come.

Anyway, will hopefully talk later.

Lovelovelove,
~Em

'It's Not Getting Better All The Time'

I feel like such a huge idiot.
Nothing is ging according to plan; i'm not losing weight as well as i hoped.
there is a 'no junk food for 30 days' in facebook, and i joined. Now i just hope that i can keep it. Except i had a non-alcoholic pina-colada today, so, for me, that does count. So i will start-well, today--but i don't really count it as the next day until i've woken in the morning (or afternoon...).
No sugar, no chocolate.

So, i went for a half an hour jog last night; i didn't go far down the trail, and it was getting dark fast, and i couldn't really see. I mostly jogged, but sometimes walked fast, as i haven't jogged in like 2 weeks, and even then, i was never really in good shape - not as well as i was 3 years ago, when taking gym was a mandatory thing, and the gym teacher was hard - which is good, but she was hard!
So, now I want to get back into shape, so everyday now on, i will try to get at least half an hour full jog - no walking.
I just hope will power is strong. And my mother keeps calling me fat (motivation!)

Lovelovelove,
~Em

oh no...

oh no....
My diet plans are SO not going the wayI hoped. and now it's snowing outside so i can't go jogging.
Life sucks majorly...

Lovelovelove,
~Em

more babble

I feel like no one i know knows how i feel about failing about everything, and being fat is just another failure. My mother tells me to eat some more, and that I'm not eating enough, but then she tells me hat i eat too much, or that i shouldn't have eaten the last chicken nugget, or the last package of rice.
I was looking at Crystal Light flavors, and found one that i actually wanted, Peach Green Tea, but then my sister saw me looking, and noted to me that there is aspartame. But who really cares, as long as the amount of calories in it is fine, and it doesn't contain sugar.
I am SO effing mad at myself right now, I mean i ate too much popcorn. I had like 2 cups of hot chocolate to keep myself from looking in the cupboards or the fridge for something to eat.
I keep meaning to get my fat a** out and go for a jog in the morning, but the warm bed is SO comfy. Then i decide how much i really want this, how far i will go to finally achieve self perfection, to finally be able to see myself as 'thin' in the mirror.

I hope everyone is doing SO much better than me, for i don't think i'm doing so well, calorie-wise. Yes, i do have hunger pangs right now, but it'll only last for so long, before i reach for those crackers in the cupboard.

Lovelovelove,
~Em

new

if you have been on my blog since the last timi i was on (right now) then you probably would have seen the new picture i put up at the top.

Anyway, i feel totally lost in my life. I have nothing to look forward to, except my jogs in the morning, which i hardly do anyways, but still there just for the 'me' time, which i never really do get, as every damn (sorry) second of the day all i can hear is about how much a disappointment i am to everyone. How i can never do anything right, and how i have nothing, noone but myself.
Life is a loss for me.
Everything is going down the drain. I binged big time on Saturday, making up for the calories i probably burned for hardly eating throughout the week.
I have made a 'food plan' and i AM sticking to it. If i don't, then i know there will never be any hope for me. Ever, and i will die fat, and alone, and be found three weeks later, with nothing in my apartment, except cats.
And to die a lonely cat woman is the worst thing IN THE WORLD!!!!!

Lovelovelove,
~Em