its 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep; i keep thinking about how much of a failure i am.
My sisters prom was this past weekend; she wore a pink champagne strapless dress, with black heels. I felt horrible about how my dress was picked by my mother, but my sister got to wear what she wanted.
I would've given anything in the world to be able to wear heels, but my mother wouldn't let me; she came up with the excuse that she wasn't going to pay more than 100.
I just wish i had broken away ffrom her, and become my own person; i am now starting to truly relize how much my mother rules my life. though it may not seem like it at all, she really does control a lot. she keeps telling me that i should come up with a plan about what im doing in the fall, but Im not sure if i should; she'll just keep convincing me that i shouldn't do this, or i should do that. I scared that when I tell her my final decision, she'll make me doubt everything about it.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
It's official. The house is for sale :(
For the past few years, and most of them the ones i was in high school, I have lived in this house for so long.
Don't you just hate that feeling that when you have to say goodbye to something - a house, for example - you can't actualy believe that you've become so attached to something you never thought you would? Anyway, so the house is for sale, and I have no absolute clue where Im going if it ever sells. My father is moving to a very small town this summer; i feel so...lost. After this, where will my real home be?? Sure, i'll be in college, but is that seriously to be considered a real home? I mean a place that has always been there, since forever! A place that you can always count on being there no matter what goes on in your life, no matter what happens, it's always there, but now ill have no place.
Maybe one day, ill get out, and find a place thats all my own. Have you ever seen Elizabethtown, that scene where Kirsten Dunst shows Orlando Bloom the sunrise, that one scene after that LONG phone conversation? That kind of place, a place where nothing can touch you, a place thats yours, and no one can bother or touch you there, a place that, for infinity, will always be the absolute same.
After all this time, earlier today I realized that so much has changed in 2 years, and yet it hasnt. I learned what a b*t*h my grandmother is, how much my mother changes my mind in one second, and then walks away without so much as a hint of a word, or how about the fact that I have finally found out what I want to do with the rest of my life?
It just feels weird, having everything change so fast; I wish everything would just happen overtime, like in slow motion. Ugh
I got a new phone, after about 2 1/2 months of not having one. It feels weird, to feel the need to check everything every couple of minutes, as if continuously checking if there is a text or what not. Blackberry 9780, bold, something like that. And it was really by chance that I got it, as the contract wasn't that much, and considering that this phone is retail no-contract 500$ price, its pretty good. Ive been thinking of setting up a twitter for this blogger account, to put more about my food intake, exercise, and all around thispiration, and such.
If anyone else on blogger, and is proana, have twitter, give a shout in the comment section below, we can all use a little support now and then. I hope everyone is doing there best to be skinny for summer.
While working today, I thought a horrible thought; what is I was fat, fat, FAT, when I enter the new era of my life; my 20's. What if im fat for the r.....lets not, NOT think about that AT ALL. Then I thought anther thought: that there is no way in hell, EVER, that i will or want to grow old; old people are just....ugh, mean, and sloppy, and....i can't even think f growing old, watching myself become weak, and wrinkly. I can't think about it. gross.
anyways I better go, until i come back and write some more.
Hope everyone is doing good and all that.
loveloveove
~Em
For the past few years, and most of them the ones i was in high school, I have lived in this house for so long.
Don't you just hate that feeling that when you have to say goodbye to something - a house, for example - you can't actualy believe that you've become so attached to something you never thought you would? Anyway, so the house is for sale, and I have no absolute clue where Im going if it ever sells. My father is moving to a very small town this summer; i feel so...lost. After this, where will my real home be?? Sure, i'll be in college, but is that seriously to be considered a real home? I mean a place that has always been there, since forever! A place that you can always count on being there no matter what goes on in your life, no matter what happens, it's always there, but now ill have no place.
Maybe one day, ill get out, and find a place thats all my own. Have you ever seen Elizabethtown, that scene where Kirsten Dunst shows Orlando Bloom the sunrise, that one scene after that LONG phone conversation? That kind of place, a place where nothing can touch you, a place thats yours, and no one can bother or touch you there, a place that, for infinity, will always be the absolute same.
After all this time, earlier today I realized that so much has changed in 2 years, and yet it hasnt. I learned what a b*t*h my grandmother is, how much my mother changes my mind in one second, and then walks away without so much as a hint of a word, or how about the fact that I have finally found out what I want to do with the rest of my life?
It just feels weird, having everything change so fast; I wish everything would just happen overtime, like in slow motion. Ugh
I got a new phone, after about 2 1/2 months of not having one. It feels weird, to feel the need to check everything every couple of minutes, as if continuously checking if there is a text or what not. Blackberry 9780, bold, something like that. And it was really by chance that I got it, as the contract wasn't that much, and considering that this phone is retail no-contract 500$ price, its pretty good. Ive been thinking of setting up a twitter for this blogger account, to put more about my food intake, exercise, and all around thispiration, and such.
If anyone else on blogger, and is proana, have twitter, give a shout in the comment section below, we can all use a little support now and then. I hope everyone is doing there best to be skinny for summer.
While working today, I thought a horrible thought; what is I was fat, fat, FAT, when I enter the new era of my life; my 20's. What if im fat for the r.....lets not, NOT think about that AT ALL. Then I thought anther thought: that there is no way in hell, EVER, that i will or want to grow old; old people are just....ugh, mean, and sloppy, and....i can't even think f growing old, watching myself become weak, and wrinkly. I can't think about it. gross.
anyways I better go, until i come back and write some more.
Hope everyone is doing good and all that.
loveloveove
~Em
Thursday, May 19, 2011
because we all need a little inspiration......
these are not my photos, taken from other sites, such as:
-clavicle camp (claviclecamp.tumblr.com)
-self starvation (self-starvation.tumblr.com)
P.S. - tumblr sites are really great for finding some quick thinspo pics!
Bad
I know ive probably written about going down to Vancouver, and then coming back here a month later. Well, Im not sure if I said that Im happy i left Vancouver. It gave me time to see how horrible a grandmother I have, except that I call her Mary now, because grandmother is too much of a title for someone so horrid. She gossips like you wouldn't believe, and if you have a snack without her knowing, she gets all in your face, spreads the news, and acts all mean, like 'didn't she see it was almost dinner time?'. How the f**k was i supposed to know when dinner time was, since you have dinner whenever your hungry?! Anyway, in the fall, im going to school in Vancouver, and since I found out that i get to go there, Ive been trying to come up with a few excuses to not see her, such as 'you never called, or emailed or anything to see if I was okay, and since, judging by the way you kicked me out of your apartment, and the fact that, you haven't even bothered to write or anything, I am going to return the gesture, and not talk or even bother to try to say hi, or ask how your doing, even if I see you in the street.'
I hope that's good enough.
You see, I just really hate her. Im not sure if i wrote about how she kicked me out, which, even for a human being, is SO low. she accused me of having anger issues, and stuff. Okay, for the record, I may have been a spoiled, and angry child when I was like, 7, but Im 19 now; I know that if something happens that I don't like, or life doesn't go the way exactly as planned, Im not ever going to get angry about it, and Ive learned, just like every other human being on the planet, to go with the flow, and accept it as it is. So, how, in the puny, little, deceiving, and horrible head of hers, did she think i have an anger problem?
I've also found that she only wanted me out of her apartment, and figured that was the way to do it; so I have now cast her out of my life, I will never call her grandma EVER AGAIN, only by her first name, and if she ever tries to visit me while Im hard at work trying to ace my grades, I will only shove the door in her face, and tell her to try a little harder to stay a nice grandmother in the next lifetime she has, if she ever has one.
sorry, if that seemed like a total rant, but i have been meaning to get that off my chest for a while.
since sunday, ive been really good about exercising in the morning, before i eat or go to work, and today I added a few more exercises, and I think Im doing pretty well - foe a beginner anyway. 40 situps, 30 pushups, 20 crunches, 25 lunges, 15 wall sits, and 25 ea. leg lifts.
I feel good. Almost went to buy a donut (stupid, and pathetic, i know, but I did), but i stopped myself, looked at the bigger picture, and instead stayed home, and did my exercises.
hope everyone is getting thinner in time for summer! stay strong lovelies*! (said: *love-lees, not love-lies)
lovelovelove
~Em
I hope that's good enough.
You see, I just really hate her. Im not sure if i wrote about how she kicked me out, which, even for a human being, is SO low. she accused me of having anger issues, and stuff. Okay, for the record, I may have been a spoiled, and angry child when I was like, 7, but Im 19 now; I know that if something happens that I don't like, or life doesn't go the way exactly as planned, Im not ever going to get angry about it, and Ive learned, just like every other human being on the planet, to go with the flow, and accept it as it is. So, how, in the puny, little, deceiving, and horrible head of hers, did she think i have an anger problem?
I've also found that she only wanted me out of her apartment, and figured that was the way to do it; so I have now cast her out of my life, I will never call her grandma EVER AGAIN, only by her first name, and if she ever tries to visit me while Im hard at work trying to ace my grades, I will only shove the door in her face, and tell her to try a little harder to stay a nice grandmother in the next lifetime she has, if she ever has one.
sorry, if that seemed like a total rant, but i have been meaning to get that off my chest for a while.
since sunday, ive been really good about exercising in the morning, before i eat or go to work, and today I added a few more exercises, and I think Im doing pretty well - foe a beginner anyway. 40 situps, 30 pushups, 20 crunches, 25 lunges, 15 wall sits, and 25 ea. leg lifts.
I feel good. Almost went to buy a donut (stupid, and pathetic, i know, but I did), but i stopped myself, looked at the bigger picture, and instead stayed home, and did my exercises.
hope everyone is getting thinner in time for summer! stay strong lovelies*! (said: *love-lees, not love-lies)
lovelovelove
~Em
Thursday, May 12, 2011
125 lbs.
Its been a while since I posted last, and truth is, that Ive been so busy. I don't know if I mentioned that I got a job last month, so I'm working 5 days a week, 32 hours/week. It's a fast food restaurant, but not fried food from McDonalds, it's fresh sandwiches, and coffee, but is also has things like donuts. I feel good about having the job, I get a little extra money in my pocket, and I'm standing all day, so at least I'm burning more than if I didn't have a job.
I weighed myself two days ago, at my mothers friends house. I rarely do get to weigh myself since I don't own my own scale, and so I only get to weigh myself when I can find a weighscale. So I weighed myself, and turns out I am 125 lbs. Which is okay, I guess, But not great, and not what I want.
I looked at a old picture today, one that was taken a year and a half ago, and the moment I saw it, i was completely embarrassed that that was me; in the picture my hair looked completely dull, my face was fat, and what i was wearing......one word: YUCK!!
And I still even wear that same jacket that looks ugly, and is like 4 years old. So I threw it out, with the tiniest bit of remorse, but also with pride. Pride that, knowing I will now most certainly have to get a new jacket.
Anyways, I ll be going, I just wanted to do a quick update post, so that noone will think i've given up (I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE NOT GIVEN UP), or that i died, which, i haven't.
This is goodbye, until next time I write.
Stay strong and thin my friends!
Love, love, love
~Em
I weighed myself two days ago, at my mothers friends house. I rarely do get to weigh myself since I don't own my own scale, and so I only get to weigh myself when I can find a weighscale. So I weighed myself, and turns out I am 125 lbs. Which is okay, I guess, But not great, and not what I want.
I looked at a old picture today, one that was taken a year and a half ago, and the moment I saw it, i was completely embarrassed that that was me; in the picture my hair looked completely dull, my face was fat, and what i was wearing......one word: YUCK!!
And I still even wear that same jacket that looks ugly, and is like 4 years old. So I threw it out, with the tiniest bit of remorse, but also with pride. Pride that, knowing I will now most certainly have to get a new jacket.
Anyways, I ll be going, I just wanted to do a quick update post, so that noone will think i've given up (I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE NOT GIVEN UP), or that i died, which, i haven't.
This is goodbye, until next time I write.
Stay strong and thin my friends!
Love, love, love
~Em
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