Snow

I've been meaning to go on a jog these past few days, but it's been so damn cold, and snowing quite a bit. Funny, but I feel so fat. Had a crepe for breakfast, so I know i'm done for the day. I don't know how much a crepe is, but i'm thinking, since it was small, and I had it with jam, that it's about 100-150. 125 then.
I love hot chocolate, but it has so many calories.
I have impressed myself by writing everything down that I eat for the past week, which is an amazing feat since I usually forget at least once every week. Life has seemed to be going so slow.
For the past few weeks I have been seriously thinking about moving to the city, the lower mainland. Stay with family or something. Next year I want to go back to school, but I'm not sure if I want to continue with the idea that I'll be studying English.
Now I'm not so sure that I want to move until next September. Maybe I can stay and get a job here, where I currently am. But my towns so boring, nothing ever happens, especially now that everyone I knew is gone, has moved on. Mayb e I should get a job here, then move later on, maybe in the summer. I really want to be a road trip next summer, visit places that Id want to see in my country; maybe travel cross country. Canada is funny that way. You start on one side where there are only mountains, and valleys, and rivers, then you continue onto more of the center of Canada, where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is flat, then you continue to the end, and it starts to get mountains again. I personally have never been past the BC-Alberta line in Canada, so maybe for the summer I'll go further.
Anyway...
I probably would stay if I knew someone who was, you know, pro-ana, in my town, but everything is dead here. Besides everyone my age has, like, gone.
MY mother keeps asking me what I want to do, yet I don't have a clue. I like it where I am, but I really want to move to a city where there are more malls, and gyms, a city where, if I go to the gym, I'd be annonymous, as opposed to a town, where everyone knows you.

Life is so confusing.

stay thin,
love
emma

Update

Another year has passed and yet I still done nothing truly productive with my life. I know my mother hates me - what can she tell her friends that I have done in my life that is worth something.
I dont know what it is but the days just seem to keep going by faster than they did a few months ago.
Anyway, I hope in the next few weeks my life will change drastically.
hope everyone is doing good, keeping thin.
love
emma

for those of you who are reading this, I have a question:
what do you do for punishment when you have eaten too much, not exercised, or done something that you weren't supposed to?

Gorge

"Don't gorge on this whippping cream; it's like 6 bucks."
I secretly died in my mind when my mother said that. I do not gorge myself on whipping cream!! (okay, so I may have done it in the past, but I'm better now. I don't need it, and there is absolutely NO need to put it on my coffee in the morning. NO NEED TO.)
Being worried that someone may come into my room and see the 'thinspiration quotes' I have written to post up on the wall for inspiration, so I have translated some of them into French. Now when we look up at my wall, only I will know what the words mean: Goûts rien aussi bien que mince se sent (Nothing tastes as good as thin feels), and Ne jamais abandonner (Never give up). Now i just hope the translations are right.

Going for a jog tonight even though it is 10 below, and getting colder these days. Snow has fallen on the ground; the world looks so beautiful when its a marshmallow.
I love hot chocolate, but having a cup of it these days seems like im being selfish; I can just picture my mother seeing me pouring myself a cup, and then shaking her head. Even though that has never happened, I won't let her do it. I will keep to myself, keep my hands at my sides, and never, ever indulge in sweets, and meat, or dairy, and bread. Eating white food now seems like so much work.

By Christmas, I hope to be thinner. And disappearing....

A few days ago I was bored, searched a gossip site, and found that Kelly Osbourne will be gracing the cover of Self magazine. It reported that she is now 112 pounds.
IM FATTER THAN KELLY OSBOURNE!!! She's normally been heavier than me, but last year after DWTS she has become healthier; I almost burst completely out into tears, when I saw that number on the computer screen; my chest seized up and I couldn't breathe for a few moments.
I am a failure, and there is nothing that I can do that will impress myself; I am a loser, and no one ever would want to love a failure. Besides I don't deserve love anyway.

Become thinnner and thinner, pretties. Hope you are all well.
xoxo


LATER: (after I posted this, I thought i should add this, as I realized my idea had changed a little)
Okay, so I wrote earlier, my mother was saying to me about how I shouldn't eat all the whipping cream...so later in the day, I realized that I am now actually starting to feel guilty about eating something that someone else didn't - apparently -have enough of. Im am now starting to feel guilty about eating something... the comments about 'did you finish the hot chocolate, did you finish that chicken?" the hate was always there, it just took a while for me to see it, and now that i do, it's a clear black-and-white picture to me.

Is it normal for someone like me, someone my age, to completely question everything? to questoin every possible path that I could take in my life? To question if I really am worth it, worth all the time people take into getting to know me? Am i really worth all the trouble?

Everything is so confusing... I don't know which path to take, or if any path is the right one. Does anyone feel like this?
Life seems so short, yet endless in possibilities...

hmmm...

stay thin and beautiful!
-love
emma

its been a long weekend

it has been a long weekend.
with time change and everything...its weird having the day go darker sooner..very weird..
anywho, i was looking at lod photos on facebook, and im still not happy with how i look.
I know my goal fluctuates all the time, but it mostly is always under 110. My goal is also to be skinnnier then my sister, to be better than her, to have something that my parents can be proud of me for, if it not be for being intelligent. (i am intelligent, but my sister is the a++ student in things that matter like maths and science - im more of the music, art girl)
anyway, so I have recently been watching some videos on youtube, such as 'im an anorexic child' and have changed my diet to be very strict. On that video one thing one of the patients said was that she would not let herself go to sleep before she knew what she was to eat the next day and how many calories it had in it.
So i have again modified my diet.
I do have somewhat of a diet - less meat than everyone else, and not much dairy, or grains, but still. for me it's not enough.

So for th next week I will be seriously testing myself out on the rules of a diet.
I was on a website and have a few ideas of what I could eat each week - low-cal things such a fat-free yoghurt, apple, orange...

so at the end of the week I hopefully will be able to report good progress on this blog.

lovelovelove
~Em

Blog

A few days ago I looked at my profile and realized that a year has passed since i started this blog.
wow.
not much has changed; i can say that my whole outlook on life has changed a bit though - im starting to see beauty in the little things, wild life, nature, and poetry. I have also chosen a path that my life will go, education-wise.

Hope everyone is doing okay.
Canadian thanksgiving has passed, which is awkward since US and Canada do not celebrate their thanksgivings at the same time - their both a month apart.
thanks for reading this blog, and keep up the good work with everything everyone!
Lovelovelovelove,
EM