SAD

'It was his birthday today,' mom informed me and my sister and we sat in the car. "He would be 22."

Anyway, so far, have probable eaten way more than 800 cals for one day. went for an hour walk yesterday. Hope it helped.

Funny as it seems, I seem to like to be 'the damaged girl.' It seems more fun that way, or something like that. Being the damaged one, everyone seems to pay attention. How to be damaged?

Stay strong and thin

~em

p.s. hope your weekend was better than mine.

Late

Woke up late today, did chores around house - vacuuming, dishes, etc.
For dinner made 2 slices of bacon, 1 pc of toast, and 1 cup of ceasar salad. Except for the salad, everything else mostly ended up in tissue, as i didn't really want to swallow. New method: 'chew and spit.' Sounds gross, but at least i won't gain.
I am now testing my willpower.
1. Am to lose a minimum of 5 pounds within a month.
2. Drink at least 50 oz. of water per day.
3. Absolutely NO candy, ice cream, or sweets.
4. Cannot eat any more that 800 kcal a day.
5. EXERCISE, lose that weight!!

The test is on. Let's hope I have more willpower than I thought.
Also had one cup of tea w/ milk and sugar. I know i shouldn't have had it, but its what keeps me going, and warms me up in the cold weather.

Stay strong, and cheers to willpower!!

~em

post

I am sick and tired of my mother complaining nonstop about how my work 'isn't satisfactory enough.' what is her problem? I do it, but i's never good enough.

Anyway, ate about 600 cals today, and went for walk in the cold. Sister came home early from school today as she wasn't feeling good. A little sick i think.
I'm kind of glad i have annonymity on the web.
Went for a long walk last night to get ipod at my dad's, which i forgot on sunday Thanksgiving dinner, and he was having dinner with some lady. It's a little disturbing to see dad dating someone when it hasn't even been a year since my mom and him split. Just a little sad to think that 17 years of marriage could mean so little to him. Like i mean so little to him. Like family meant nothing to him. Even my mom still seems to hate seeing him. I don't blame her.
I don't blame him for anything, it's just weird how things turned out the way they did, and hw it meant so little so some of us.
My sister blames me for what happened to our family (parents splitting). I can't wait to shove it in her face that - when i'm skinny -, i'll be skinnier than her. I certainly can't wait.
It's cold up here in the north, and its almost halloween. I have been visiting some pro-ana sites for inspiration, and i fould this one site meepeem.blogspot.com. It has a challenge of losing a minium of 5 pounds. I am seriously considering doing it, but will have to adjust the timing on it, as i only just found it yesterday.
Anyway...tomorrow is a new day, and anything can happen.

Stay strong everyone!

~em

the mirror is the enemy

I looked in the mirror and punched myself for what i saw. I can't believe how i let myself get so carried away with food and not seeming to care how i looked. I cried when i pinched my fat and swore i would do whatever it takes to get back on track.

I don't think i could ever be happy again unless i'm thin. I just feel as if my selfworth depends on how i look. My mom never cares as much as she does for my sister, and crying at night doesn't help. Pushup, after pushup helps me concentrate on one thing: up and down, up and down. Nothing else matters as much as how many calories i burn. Nothing. It hurts but it numbs every other pain around me.

Sick and tired... Pumpkins..

First off, let me just say to those out there who read my blog and comment, it means the world to me when I see those comments. I feel a rush of energy to keep going when I don't have much. Thank you.

I am sick and tired of being fat. My thighs touch, and i hate that my face looks just a little on the chubby side. I am so mad at myself for eating the donuts that i did eat today, but i didn't eat dinner, so i basically ran on donuts today. I don;t know what happened. Once my lips touched the sweet, yet disgusting taste of dough and sugar, i couldn't stop. I feel SO horrible i let myself fall.
Unfortunately Thanksgiving is in two days, but as my parents have split, i'll be at two dinners this year. I used to think 'Yeah, Thanksgiving! Turkey and pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce!'. Now when i think of it, i think of disgusting food, filled with carbs. I know i won't be eating turkey or the mashed potatoes this year; turkey's meat, and potatoes are just starch. Thank god i think of puking when i think of Thanksgiving dinner - no offence to those who love it though.

I have been getting pointers and tips from 'Quest for Perfection.' Tomorrow, i will go and buy the Pro-Ana Essentials she posted. Not sure about laxatives though. Anyway, being thin means the world to me right now, and i will do anything to get it.

Introduction

I used to have a petite frame. Before I really fell in love with food. I used to eat all the time, the occasionally chocolate bar here, the cheese burger there, i ate when i felt like it. I guess i ate to fill the void of being lonely, like i could fill it, if i just kept eating. Deep down i knew i really couldn't fix it, but some part of me said that if i kept eating, it could be filled. I was/am pretty lonely. I dont have any friends and my family doesn't completely appreciate me; not as well as they love my sister.

I am graduated, at home, and am weighing my options of what and where to do about school. My parents, sister especially, think i'm wasting my time being at home. But i have been steadily researching calories, and such about food.

I have now begun to steadily hate food, and have trying ot eat less and less. I haven't weighed myself in a long time, but have just recently decided to buy a scale. I want to be thin, and that includes weighing myself. I have researched it many times.

I have never felt i am good enough for anyone. No matter how many chores i do, or how good i do at school, my parents never congratulate me like they do my sister. I tell them that I got a A on a english test, they say their proud, but when my sister gets an A on anything, they congratulate her, and take her out for lunch. I feel highly under-appreciated.

This blog is to help keep me motivated. I want to be stunning. Perfect. Beautiful, and THIN. Now it is time for Ana to become my best friend. She will hold me in my darkest hour of need; she will always be there for me when i need her the most.

'I will become thin, or die trying.'

~Em