It's been a while

I absolutely hate when this happens: someone talks about something to someone, and its about you, but when you finally hear about it, its not the person who has the problem, its the person they talked to instead.  Apparently my roommate isn't happy with where she is living, so she talked to the landlord about moving out; I had no knowledge of this up until about 5 minutes ago, when the landlord emailed me about this.  How inconsiderate, and rude is that? to hear about it from someone else?  But to be honest, I'm not quite sure how i feel about this; I've not been keen on spending the next six months with her, and have even considered moving before.  But still, to hear it from someone else...it's just...rude.

Sometimes I wonder what i did wrong to make my roommate hate me. If you would even call her a roommate.

Last night, when she and some girl visiting were going ou the door, I heard her say that I had made a mess, and if only i would pick up a broom and sweep it up. So this morning, I looked around the apartment, and, to no surprise, I couldn't find anything on the floor that was mine. All that was there was her dried up orange peel (seriously), and a coffee cup from McDonalds. I want SO bad to get the h*ll out of this apartment, but trying to think of some excuse to get out, as I signed some 1 year thing.

At least when I leave ill have dishes - all the ones in the kitchen are mine. Well most of them. The dish rack, plates, cutlery, cups. She has a few pots and pans, and a cookie sheet, that are hers. But if she even tries to take them, I have the receipt.

Besides, she CANOT call me a bad roommate, when she doesn't try to be friends either. Just because we don't eat the same foods (she eats meat, fries, and burgers, I tend to eat chicken, and sandwiches, and no meat) doesn't mean we're SO different. And yes, from the pictures I've seen on Facebook, we don't really have the same style, but does that really mean there isn't one thing that we could find in common? Just so September could come faster, so I can get the h*ll out of her life! (no offence, but she's a horrible roommate).

But, thanks to her, there are never any dishes. For someone who doesn't even know me, what she says is mean, and rude, and she has no right! she has no idea who i am, nor has she taken the time to say 'hey'. I know. I've said hi to her one evening, when she came home from school, she just walked right by.

Its been a while, hasn't it, since i last blogged.

Ive had some good days and bad days. You know how it goes, every day is different. Good and bad. Im going through a depressed phase. Again. I think i went through a depressed phase when I was in high school. But i guess back then, i wasn't really depressed, just sad that i had no real plans after school was out.

Now I'm in college, and realizing the only person who actually calls me regularly is my dad. Not my mother, which isn't really surprising to me at all - I've always known she never really cared about me - but, still. Why couldn't i have....i don't know... more friends? why does everyone have to hate me, and why do i even care about what they think in the first place?

I wanna go back home to my apartment in the city SO bad. I hate it here, i feel like everyone just wants me to leave, to not be here. My sister hasn't really spent any time with me, but why would she? And thats okay. My mom just got mad at me for something she started in the first place; i don't know what her problem is. I don't know why we're spending more time at her house, and not at my dads. My dad is the one who calls almost every week, i haven't even gotten a call form my mom in over a month. Just a few random texts ever so often. I feel like she thinks i remind her too much of my dad, and maybe she doesn't like me for it. I have absolutely no idea why i think that, but i do. And its my sister that looks like dad more than i do. I guess it could be because i was the first mistake in her life, one that she couldn't take back, one that would keep her in one place for the rest of those 18 years. But she could've left if it was so bad, so i don't know why she makes it seem like she doesn't really want me.

Oh gosh, I'm rambling alot.

Ive probably eaten a lot more than i should be. Like i said in the last post, I've gained like 3 pounds, and all i can think about is how many calories will be in my next mouthful. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I didn't really feel so good last night, and didn't get to sleep till like 3 am. Its so cold in my room, i miss my city apartment room. I wanna go back so bad so i can get out to find a desk. Im of no use here. i feel like no one has ever, or will ever want me. But thats not new at all.

Merry Christmas!

my christmas has sucked so far. I'm at my moms house, and stuck here with nothing to do. My sister has been out all day with friends, but since i don't really have any, I've been stuck here for the past two days.

Since me or my sister won't be with my dad for christmas, we opened our presents on the 19th; i got some keurig stuff, a gift card, an owl, some other stuff; except for the keurig stuff, my sister got basically the same, except she also got a kobo, this reader thing. I looked it up, and saw that it was 130.

Okay, i know, i shouldn't feel like this, but i suppose i should've half expected it, that my sister would always get the better side of things. She always does. But when it happens, its always still a shock. I know i shouldn't be saying this, its the thought that counts for these gifts, but knowing that my parents will always be spending more time, and money on my sister, it makes me sad. makes me sad, wondering if ill ever find anything really worth living for.

No, i will never commit suicide, there is still too much beauty in the world that i have yet to discover, but i wonder if ill find anything that will last, not something that will last for 6 seconds and be gone, but the kind of thing that lasts for years. That kind of thing.

To sum it up, my christmas so far has SUCKED.

oh yeah, and did i mention....i gained 3 pounds.

hope everyone else's christmas has been better :)

I have never hated Starbucks more

I have never hated Starbucks more than i do right now, but only because they put whipping cream on my coffee, when i did say not to. I tried a little bit, and it tasted like actual whipped cream, you know, the kind that you buy in cream form, and have to whip it yourself, not the already-whipped kind in the canisters. It tasted okay, but i knew i would kill myself for it. I practically ran to the bathroom to try and get the whipped cream out of my coffee before it melted with the coffee, but i only got like half of it out, so now i guess i may just have to drink it, and run an extra bit. There was someone in the bathroom, so i couldn't throw it all away. At least i did get most of it out of the coffee. but still...

is it normal

is it normal to think that whenever people are whispering they are talking mean things about me??? does anybody else think that when someone around them whispers??