STUCK

hello to all those who are reading this.

I feel like im stuck, stuck and not getting anywhere.

Good news today is, I got new journals, so I will be writing in them, so I can write everything, like what i eat, how much, and exercise, and what not.

I have a updating photo on how much progress I have made, though I warn, it is unfortunately not much at all.

While finding other blogs, I have found this pic, that I really like, which is called "2011: year of the gap". I find it really symbolizes what, to me, this year is all about. Getting thin, and doing whatever it takes to get there.

Credit to whoever did this photo.

I printed it and put it up, for thinspiration.

Diet starts tomorrow, I will be eating food that contains hardly any salt/sodium in an attempt to greatly lessen my intake. For those of you who are going to prom, and want a smaller tummy, do not eat sodium. I will alsi be eating VERY low carb food (as, from the research I have done lately, it appears everything has carbs) So whatever I eat has, like, NO carbs.

I just hope I can stick to it.

Good luck everyone

~em

In some ways I regret moving to where I am today, but in others, I also got to learn a few things that I may not have learned if I had stayed in the small town I once called home. I have learned that my dad may have been what i'd call a 'player' when I was young, maybe even cheating on my mother. Overhearing grandmother say a few things over the phone to her son, my uncle, who happens to be some kind of a counselor, I hear some things that put everything I know into question. Did my father really love my mother, or was it all just a lie? And if it was a lie, then that would entail that my youth, believing that my parents were in love, was a total scam.
I also learned that my grandmother thinks that it is best for me to not live with my mother for a while. Okay, so I totally understand where she is coming from, I guess I was at a stand still for a while, not sure what I wanted to do, either work, or go to school, but did I really bring my mother down that much by staying with her??
Hearing that, Im not sure if I was/am ever really wanted by anyone in this world.
The only good news out of those conversations is that I now have more motivation to become perfect. I see my face in the mirror, and it still looks like I had the surgery I had a long time ago, ergo, my face is fat. FAT. FATFATFATFAT!!!!

Anyway...
Everyday seems to drag on, and having no current job, though I am trying, ironically makes the days go by faster.
I still regret currently living with grandmother, and am seriously considering moving into residence when I attend college, which will hopefully be very soon. I can't stand the way she looks at me, that look she gets when she sees me sitting there, one that looks like she regrets ever having said 'yes' to letting me stay here; the look that seems to be saying that she wishes I had never been born. Which in a way is kind of like that conversation I heard her saying, about how she thinks my parents made a mistake at some point in my life.

Today started out good, I had one cup of juice (130), one cup hot chocolate (100), and one Neillson Peach yogurt (150), and I was set to not eat anything for the rest of the day. And I didn't, except maybe for the few extra sips of a hot chocolate, but then came 10:00 pm.
I don't know if I have ever said this before on here, but I kind of tend to eat more right before I go to bed, which is the worst time ever to eat. So I had 1 bun, and 1 piece of fish with some lemon sauce. ARGH!!
Okay, okay, I know that is totally under 500 calories for those two items, but it is totally out of my budget, calorie-wise!!!! My goal of under 500 calories is sometimes hard, even when I'm probably eating all the worng foods. When counting calories, everything tallies up faster than one thinks.
Yesterday, while at the mall, my grandmother offered to buy me a hot chocolate from the coffee shop that we passed by, and the very first thing was: but if I buy it from here, then I won't be able to know how many calories it has....... I pratically jumped for joy when my mind thought of that, of all the things (like 'yum,yum, free hot chocolate? count me in'), I was happy, because for once I was thinking logically, and not with my stomach.
Mind over Matter, and I won't get Fatter.

Hope everyone's resolutions have gone good so far this year!!!

lovelovelove
~em
:D

so life seems even more boring, and such a mistake now
i feel like im such a huge burden on my grandmother, and if i dont get a job in the next
week, i will probably leave the big city.
I just can't bear to see the way she looks at me with the disgusted look again. i just can't.

so i have previously written this post, but deleted it because i didn't think it was any good.

I was overhearing my grandmother talking to my uncle about me. Let me just say that out of the two grandmothers, I previously liked this one better, but i think my mind has changed.
I overheard her talking about one period in my life where the decision that my parents made was wrong. When I was born two of my toes didn't split all the way down, and when I was young, the doctors gave my parents the choice to decide if they wanted to recorrect it. They decided not to, for reasons, one being because I wouldn't be walking for quite a while, and being at that young age where were hyper and everything, that would have sucked.
Anyway, so grandmother was saying how she thinks it was a mistake, the choice my parents made.
To sit beside someone and know that they are not happy with the way you look....
anyway, then she goes on about what my father said to my mother. So during high school my mother put me in front of about 4 therapists as she thought I was depressed. I abmit I was depressed at one point of my life, but that was a long time ago, like grade 9. I got over it, and the last few years of high school, i was lonely, but in no way depressed. Grandmother goes on to say how father said that it wasn't me that was depressed, but my mother.
As first I was repulsed at that thought, but then it made sense. My mother is depressed, but she seemes to take it out on me.
Grandmother also talks about how she will be enforcing some small rules.
First of all, let me just point out how self-disciplining I am of my own life. Everything on the bathroom counter is perfectly alined, everything is hung up, as well as the bedroom. I make sure that everything is where it is supposed to be, and where it is meant to be. Everything is neat and tidy, and I accept nothing less.
Anyway...
the night of new years grandmother seemed a little angry, i don't know why, but while we were waiting for the ride who was to pick us up, i started to quietly cry in the lobby of the apartment. I started to think of how much a mistake I made to stay with grandmother, someone who i now know hates everything about me, and thinks im a mistake.
Geez, life is sure stupid.
I have applied for some jobs, so hopefully once I get one, my life will get better.
Till then I hope everyone is doing well.
Happy new years.

lovelovelove
~em



Just a tip for those reading this and think that toe thing is weird: actress gemma arterton was born with polydactly, and hannibal lector has it as well (in the book 'silence of the lambs')