I wanna go back home to my apartment in the city SO bad. I hate it here, i feel like everyone just wants me to leave, to not be here. My sister hasn't really spent any time with me, but why would she? And thats okay. My mom just got mad at me for something she started in the first place; i don't know what her problem is. I don't know why we're spending more time at her house, and not at my dads. My dad is the one who calls almost every week, i haven't even gotten a call form my mom in over a month. Just a few random texts ever so often. I feel like she thinks i remind her too much of my dad, and maybe she doesn't like me for it. I have absolutely no idea why i think that, but i do. And its my sister that looks like dad more than i do. I guess it could be because i was the first mistake in her life, one that she couldn't take back, one that would keep her in one place for the rest of those 18 years. But she could've left if it was so bad, so i don't know why she makes it seem like she doesn't really want me.

Oh gosh, I'm rambling alot.

Ive probably eaten a lot more than i should be. Like i said in the last post, I've gained like 3 pounds, and all i can think about is how many calories will be in my next mouthful. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I didn't really feel so good last night, and didn't get to sleep till like 3 am. Its so cold in my room, i miss my city apartment room. I wanna go back so bad so i can get out to find a desk. Im of no use here. i feel like no one has ever, or will ever want me. But thats not new at all.

Merry Christmas!

my christmas has sucked so far. I'm at my moms house, and stuck here with nothing to do. My sister has been out all day with friends, but since i don't really have any, I've been stuck here for the past two days.

Since me or my sister won't be with my dad for christmas, we opened our presents on the 19th; i got some keurig stuff, a gift card, an owl, some other stuff; except for the keurig stuff, my sister got basically the same, except she also got a kobo, this reader thing. I looked it up, and saw that it was 130.

Okay, i know, i shouldn't feel like this, but i suppose i should've half expected it, that my sister would always get the better side of things. She always does. But when it happens, its always still a shock. I know i shouldn't be saying this, its the thought that counts for these gifts, but knowing that my parents will always be spending more time, and money on my sister, it makes me sad. makes me sad, wondering if ill ever find anything really worth living for.

No, i will never commit suicide, there is still too much beauty in the world that i have yet to discover, but i wonder if ill find anything that will last, not something that will last for 6 seconds and be gone, but the kind of thing that lasts for years. That kind of thing.

To sum it up, my christmas so far has SUCKED.

oh yeah, and did i mention....i gained 3 pounds.

hope everyone else's christmas has been better :)

I have never hated Starbucks more

I have never hated Starbucks more than i do right now, but only because they put whipping cream on my coffee, when i did say not to. I tried a little bit, and it tasted like actual whipped cream, you know, the kind that you buy in cream form, and have to whip it yourself, not the already-whipped kind in the canisters. It tasted okay, but i knew i would kill myself for it. I practically ran to the bathroom to try and get the whipped cream out of my coffee before it melted with the coffee, but i only got like half of it out, so now i guess i may just have to drink it, and run an extra bit. There was someone in the bathroom, so i couldn't throw it all away. At least i did get most of it out of the coffee. but still...

is it normal

is it normal to think that whenever people are whispering they are talking mean things about me??? does anybody else think that when someone around them whispers??