More Question

I'll be honest, i like answering questionnaires like this.  Its makes me think about my life and everything.

1. What starsign are you?

     Im...cancer, which i think is a lobster or something.  

2. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

    Easy.  Back in my hometown, there's this pizza restaurant, famous in our hometown, and they sell a pizza called 'chicken blanco'.  It has tomatoes, olives, cheese, chicken, this crust thats to die for, and instead of pizza sauce, its like this ranch sauce.  I LOVE it!! Except i always get it without onions.

3. What three items would you bring to a desert island

    1- a phone to call people, and to call for help

    2 - a journal, to write.

    3- a knife, so i can make a spear to catch fish, and catch food.  so i won't die

4. Have you ever been in love?

    Probably not, don't think so.  Ive never been in a relationship, which, at 21, is depressing, but i still have time.  Besides family, no i have not.

5. what is your party trick?

   Its not really a party trick, but something along the lines of Mia Thermopolis before she was a princess: 'being invisible'.  its like nobody even cares or sees me at a party.  I guess you can get everyones secrets being that way tho.

6.  Who is your hero?

    I don't really have a true hero, maybe like two: audrey hepburn, she was kind, unselfish, helped others, and never spent more than she needed.  Anne Frank, because, even when things were the worst, she always seemed to look for the positive.  (yes, she was trapped in a extremely small house, but at least she was alive, and with her family; and she knew that)  And she always tried to see the best in people.  She was a kind human being.

7.  What actress would play you in a movie about your life?

    Its not really an actress, but one character springs to mind; the person, parker, from the show leverage.  She baffles me, she seems weird, but at the same time, shes like me; mysterious and weird, no one gets her, but at the end of the day, she makes sense.

As a legit actress...i can't actually picture someone else playing me.

8. Do you prefer giving or recieving gifts?

a little of both; seeing the expression of their faces, as well as having more crap to return and exchange (last part a joke, but i never really get what i ask for, so im like rachel green, in the sense that i would return it if it sucks, and get something better; id rather like it, than have it be something i hate, and keep in a box)

9. What is your motto?

I don't really have one that i stick to, but like, be happy, live life.  When your old, and telling stories, be the main character in the stories - live your life.  Everyday.

10. What is your lowest goal weight?

its always been around 105 - 100.

Happiness

hey guys.
Ive found this little questionnaire, and since i can't really think of what to blog at the moment, I will be posting the answers to these questions.  Hope everyone is doing well; I know I'm...blah at the moment.

1)When are you the happiest?

I've actually thought about this question over the past few weeks (before i even found this questionnaire), and to be honest, I can't remember a time when i was purely happy, i can't remember when i had happiness that was really real.  Sure there are 'happy days' where everything seems to be going right, but...everytime I go back in my mind, there only what i call 'highs'.  I can't remember a time when I was truly happy.  Though I do say that I am happy to be alive today, and to be alive writing this, to be healthy (minus one or two things that i still need work on - like finishing teeth work) but at the end of the day, i know im happy to be alive, to live in a country, and to have free speech, and to be able to walk down the street knowing that i am safer than most countries.  so, asking me this question, i put it into categories..yeah

2)  If you could change 3 things about you, what would they be?

Number one, for starters, I would want my boobs, and legs to be thinner, the rest of my body i have no problem with, its just those two things.  Number two, as it has to be about myself, I would change...i guess my shoe size - I have big feet, about size 9 or 10, depending on the brand, so maybe have them a size 8 or something.  Lastly, Number 3, maybe have my face slimmer, and less fat.  Lets face it, my face is a little chubby at the moment.

3) If you could be an animal, what would it be and why?

This is actually a question that stumps me.  There are both adv. and disadv. to every living thing, but I think I'd be... some sort of a bird, because, when a bird flies, its like they can go anywhere, they have no real restrictions, they can fly and fly and see so much of the world.  I think that's what i would want to be.

4) What made you start writing a blog?

I think i just started to write, in my head, paragraphs that i would've put on a blog, so i guess i realized maybe, that it was time to actually have one.  I started to read more and more blogs, having my own laptop, and knowing that my own opinions would be completely annonymous, it felt better knowing that the person reading this, wouldn't know who i am in the world (i could be anybody passing you by on the street), and having that anonymity, it feels good, knowing that no one can judge me, because they don't know in the first place.

5) What is your biggest fear?

I think...ill be honest.  Lately ive been a fan of taylor swift, and i started to realize that she someimtes doubts herself.  alot.  And so i thought about it, and i realized that my biggest fear is to be alone, and considered a failure.  Ive had about three dreams in the last month, all about how Ive been some sort of failure to my parents, and compared to my sister, I am.  Ive never been really smart, i never got good grades in school, and ive never really given them any reason to be proud of me.  I feel like my mother feels that Im a failure more than my dad does; examples?  My mother got me 3 bags of skittles for my high school grad, while my father got me a laptop.  My father visited me when I graduated from college - which can be expensive, as he drove -, while my mother didn't even really call; i don't even remember of she sent a letter.

So i believe that my biggest fear is knowning that i am a failure to my parents and my family.  I haven't proven myself yet, and don't know if i ever will.  I also fear that i may be a 'bottom-feeder' for the rest of my life, which, to me, means that i will only make enough money to survive, but not enjoy what i earn, because its all spent on necessities.

6) What are you addicted to?

I think this is a totally easy question: entertainment.  I have absolutely no idea why, but i like knowing what is happening in the entertainment world; what books are being turned into movies (roboapocalypse, mortal instruments, etc.), and i like watching tv.  I seem to like watching BBC stuff; such as Doctor Who, Sherlock, and Primeval.  Its really unfortunate that those three shows never get any more than about 13 episodes each season.  But i like reading entertainment sites, seeing who is who, and understanding what they say at award shows (like, i now know who psy is (gangham style, anyone?)) and i think watching scifi, and drama (downton abbey, etc.) shows.  

7) What outfit makes you feel the most comfortable with yourself?

Jeans, mostly skinny jeans, and a comfy sweater, and either flats, or boots, or comfy shoes.  I usually wear my hair in a pony.  and a cute necklace...

8) What is your best memory?

If i understand this questoin right, I think it was when my sister came to visit me where i live, when i had my birthday - she surprised me when she came to visit, so that was nice, i guess.

9)Night in or night out?

Absolutely and completely NIGHT IN.  I'm a 'slow' person, im laid back, and i am not really ever hyper.  I prefer staying in, watching a movie, having tea, making dinner, or reading a book.  I feel most comfy when im home.  Being out at a club or a fancy restaurant, its just not my style.

10) What is your perfect idea of a date?

I remember someone saying, when they were asked this complete question (and i think it was one of the pretty little liar actresses who said this), they said 'something that doesn't resemble a date', in other words, something totally unexpected, because, at the end of the night, thats what stands out the most.  Something intimate (depending on how far the relationship is), quiet, romantic, has a lot of thought in it, and is something that isn't what you expected.

11) what will make you happy?

Having a job that is a hobby, lifestyle, something i enjoy; knowing that what im doing with my life, could never be a disappoint to anyone, knowing that im not a failure, and having a slightly smaller body.

Hey lovelies,
It has sincerely been a while since I last wrote, and I just want you all to know, you who are reading this, that I am still alive, and doing all right.  The past year and a month has been a long time; I was reading my last entry that I wrote, and I don't know if I was really mad when I wrote it or what, but I had so many vocabulary mistakes, going back and reading it, I can't believe that I missed that many, being the kind of person who is quite particular, and meticulous about something like that.  I remember when I would correct my friends papers, if I spotted grammar mistakes, and they wouldn't be happy about it.
The last time I wrote was May 25th, which seems like such an eternity ago.  I graduated from college, but still have some assignments to go back over and hand in.  Looking back, I can really say that I was a little lazy with it.  I wish I could come up with a good punishment that would make me less lazy.
Its about 6 in the morning, right now, where I live, and I don't think I can sleep.  I haven't been able to have a very good night's sleep for a very long time.  I looked back at past entries, and read that I had put in that I hadn't been sleeping well, so it seems like an extremely long time since I've been able to have more than 2 nights of good sleep.  I know I don't really have insomnia, though, trust me, that thought has really crossed my mind.  I just have this habit, that even when the lights are out, and Im trying to sleep, my mind if racing, thinking about everything.  I had a sleepover for the first time in over 5 years, at a friends place last week, and I was talking about what would happen if there was an earthquake, or a tsunami, where she lives - in a apartment, on the 7th floor.  She said that, in the last two months that she's been here, in vancouver, she has never really thought about what to do if any of those scenarios actually happened.  I always think the worst.  Always.  Its a really bad habit.
I've had a few, well, 3, job interview in the last few weeks, first at zara, then at the gap, and lastly for topshop at the bay.  I so much wanted the topshop one, very badly.  I think i threw the interviewer off when I said that i was excited about the dropped waists 60's trend, but what i was actually thinking about, were dropped waists-belts.  And i totally forgot about houndstooth pattern; and I totally should've said something about the shoes, the pointed toe ones, like the ones seen at the Marc Jacobs Spring 2013 show, the 60s inspired one.  I saw the Louis Vuitton Spring 2013 show - also by marc jacobs (designer), and it was absolutely amazing - tied with the train one he did last season!
Whoa, got off track...anyways I really wanted the topshop job, and I thought it went really well.  Until Monday came and went, and I never heard from them.  Now for the past week, Ive felt like...depressed.  
Ive had this dream, it doesn't occur every night, but the theme is the same: the reasons, I can't remember, but I dream that I move back to smithers, where i was before.  Im not sure if i wrote about it, but I did try to move down here before, when I was with my grandmother, but after a while, my 'mother' came to bring me home; thank god too, my 'grandmother', though I call her mary now, accused me of some awful things, things I will never forgive her for.  So, I keep dreaming that I move back.  then I wake up, and I thank god many times, over and over, that it isn't true, and that it was just a dream.  But i still need a job.  And bad.

Wow.  That was a long entry.
Im still about 125 pounds.  My boobs are big, and my legs are nothing to talk about.  Now that fall is coming, I can wear coats and get away with how fat i am more easily.
Hanging with friends makes me eat more, i realized a few days ago, when I hung out with a few friends.
I really do things pick up for me.  I really do.
I really wanted that topshop job, but he did say that they will be hiring within the year, so fingers crossed.  Wish me luck.
Hope everyone is doing well

Love
~Em
:)

Drifter

I have come to the realization that I am a 'drifter'; to me, a 'drifter' is someone who just goes through life with no higher aim, someone like the character Julia Stiles plays in 'it's a guy thing', that person who just goes from one job to the next, and never really excels at anything.  They never go anywhere, just...'drift.'
For the past week, I've been busy trying to move all of my stuff form one apartment to another, an in-between all the commotion, I missed a school project due date, and failed it.
Knowing that I could've dine better, but failed because of someone else, makes me SO mad.  It pisses me off that soneome thinks that can walk all over me like that, and just walk away like nothing happened.  It makes me mad that I suffer for what they decided to do, and they suffer nothing.  I hope she dies a slow painful.....well, those words sound even harsher when being written down.  But I still wish she would suffer, like get what she deserves.  One thing for sure: I am NEVER living with a roommate EVER AGAIN!! Screw the roommate, i just hop she gets what she deserves.
And I'm happy that i live on my own now; that roommate smelled.

Love

~Em

Lost track

My, it really has been a while since I last posted, and to be honest, I haven't really thought about this blog much.  I used to, but i guess being worried about getting a job, and with school, everything has been busy for me.
I just wanted to say hi, and hope everyone who reads this blog is doing well; I sometimes read other pro-ana blogs, and if the reader hasn't written anything in a long time, I start to wonder if they are doing okay. There was one I used to read all the time, but they haven't posted in a long while; so, i just wanted to write that I'm okay.  I unfortunately haven't lost any weight, Im still about 124, but being in a city where there are so many thin people, and WAY more gyms, and fitness programs than a small town, I'm sure the pounds will come off really soon.  I've started a program called 'The Birthday Project', which entails that by July 19, my 21st birthday, I will have lost about 15-20 pounds, so that when I wear a dress and go out for dinner, all eyes will be on me, and NOT because i'm the fattest, but because I'm happy.  Hopefully.
There are rules that I've made up, but at the moment, i can't remember where Ive out them.  Nonetheless, the idea still stands: look fabulous by my birthday.

About a week ago, my dad, who was telling me to have questions about the movers - since I had hired movers to move the big things, as I'm moving to another apartment at the moment, and one with no roommate, just myself!!!!! - , I told him that I didn't have any yet, and he said, 'Nicole would've done this by now."
Now, i know that my parents, in their minds, compare me to my sister, but they have never said it out loud.  This is the actual first time that anyone has said to my face, that my sister is better, and comparing me to her.
I'm not exactly sure to how comprehend this.  Thinking of a way to punish myself, but we all know, Im not that good with rules.
Till next time,
Love,
Em

I've had trouble sleeping for probably half a year now - i don't know why, but i can't ever seem to get to sleep.  I'll lie there with my eyes closed for hours, but still not get to sleep, and when i do sleep, i tend to sleep in late.
Is there something wrong with me? Do i have mild insomnia? Why can't i get to sleep!?????!!!  It's 4:20 in the morning, and I still can't sleep (but i went to bed at, like, 1)
ARGH!!

Its weird, but i keep trying to think of how i could make those girls seem nicer, but i keep coming up blank.  It occurred to me last night, after the last post, that those two who rejected me, could have split up, so we were two groups of two, but they didn't.  And i hate them even more for it now.
this is a really weird post.  All i keep thinking is, if i was thinner they would have let me in their group, and that I will be better than them, they will be left in the dust.